Pizza for the Worst Day of the Year

Dear Reader,

Oh the sadness that overwhelms me on this day! I am full of melancholy and malaise. It is as though a dark curtain has descended upon the nation and there is no sunshine in sight. I’m not talking about the death of Michael Jackson, nor poor overshadowed Farrah and Ed McWhatshisname. I’m talking about the actual worst day of the year. Yes, today is the last day of school.

Of course my children are overjoyed that summer vacation is beginning. I’m sure there exist parents that are also thrilled, but my guess is that their kids go to sleep away camp. Mine will be here. Every day. For seventy six days.

And so, I offer you today a super delicious pizza just for grown ups to enjoy on their last day of freedom. Enjoy.

Pizza for the Worst Day of the Year

You will need:

Wine
Pizza Dough
Taleggio cheese – a lot
2 cups sliced mushrooms
Butter
Brandy
White Truffle Oil
Grated Parmesan cheese – one handful
Activities

Drop kids off at school with huge bags to fill with stuff that you will throw away later when they are not looking. Once home, pour yourself a glass of wine to relax yourself for the endless bickering that will begin come 3:00 and end at 8 AM September 8th. Heat a skillet over medium high heat. About the temperature it is inside their classrooms right now. Toss in the mushrooms. When they are soft, pour in a swig or two of brandy. Don’t drink the brandy, as you still have to pick the kids up later and you don’t want to smell too strongly of booze! Not again! Cook mushrooms until all liquid is absorbed and set aside.

Turn the oven all the way up to as hot as it is going to be in August when your air conditioner breaks. Stretch pizza dough and place on an oiled cookie sheet or pizza pan. Brush the entire top of pizza with white truffle oil and top with globs of Taleggio. Sprinkle on the mushrooms and Parmesan cheese. Dab a little white truffle oil behind your ears because it just smells so damn good.

Cook on lowest oven rack until crust is crisp and cheese melted. Enjoy, listening to the beautiful sound of a quiet house, and coming up with eighty or so activities that will occupy your kids until tomorrow afternoon.

Went To Bed Angry Cheese Strata

Dear Reader,

I had such an amazing response from all of you! Bad marriages, slutty mothers and inappropriate groping at the workplace, it was hard to choose just one trouble to help with. But one letter in particular stood out to me because it highlights a problem that so many of us have had.

Dear Heather,

Please help me!!! My wife and I have been arguing a lot lately, usually late at night. Well, I know you’re not supposed to go to bed angry and all that, but I just get so damn sleepy! What can I do for the awkward and angry silence the next day?

Yours,
Kevin

Kevin, I’m with you! I think people that want to stay up and fight are just plain belligerent. No argument is worth precious sleeping hours, especially when you are in the wrong. Here I have provided you with just the right breakfast for those horrid mornings when you just want the whole thing to blow over.

Went To Bed Angry Cheese Strata

You will need:
6 eggs
1 lb. asparagus
1 ¼ cups milk
½ stick unsalted butter
Humility
¼ cup minced onion
4 slices good quality white bread, cubed
¾ cup crumbled Boursin cheese (any variety)

Wake before spouse and sneak down to kitchen. Very quietly snap off the ends of the asparagus the way your spouse is dreaming of snapping off the ends of your fingers at this very moment. Cut into bite-sized pieces and stick them in a microwavable bowl with a bit of water, cover and nuke for 2 minutes or the length of time you said, “Nananananananana” with your fingers in your ears last night while she was telling you her “feelings.” Drain.

Whisk together eggs, milk salt and pepper in a large bowl. Take out the skillet from behind the sofa where it was hurled the night before. Melt the butter over medium-high heat and throw in the onions. Don’t worry that they will make you cry as you used all your tears in the “You Don’t Love Me Anymore” monologue you performed. When the onions are soft, put in the bread and cook three minutes longer. Remove from heat.

Pour eggs in skillet, poking at bread like she poked you in the chest over and over as if you needed a physical reminder of where the blame lay. Scatter the asparagus into the eggs then top with cheese. Pop into oven until set – about 15 minutes. Be careful to use oven mitt when removing strata, as you will illogically blame any burn on your wife who is still sleeping. Cut her a large piece, and serve it to her with a big smile and even bigger apology.

Cookies for Beleaguered Parents

Dear Reader,

There comes a time in the life of every parent who loves to cook that they want to share that love with their children. However, cooking with your children is fraught with peril. Here I have devised a perfect recipe to prepare you for the task.

Cookies for Beleaguered Parents

You will need:

Patience
6 cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
3 tsp. salt
Water
1 ½ cup butter, softened
1 cup sugar
2 cups brown sugar
1 bottle vanilla extract
6 eggs (or more)
2 bags chocolate chips
Swiffers
Television

Preheat oven to 375° F. Ask Timmy to measure out 1 cup flour. When he dumps it on floor, show him how to use the measuring cup. When he dumps that on floor, show him again, using best patience. Repeat this process until you have 2 ¼ cups flour in a bowl. Add baking soda to the mix and ask Sally to measure 1 tsp. salt. When she mistakes salt for sugar and eats two spoonfuls, give her water to drink. A lot of water. Put 1 tsp. salt into the flour.

Notice out of the corner of your eye that Sally is now gagging and glistening for some reason. Deduce from the stick of butter in Timmy’s hand that he has greased his sister. Remove butter from his hands and put 1 cup into a separate bowl. Try to wash butter off Sally, wiping and smearing and causing much shouting and anger on her part. Give up and let her put the sugar into the bowl. Now DUCK! because she’s about to hurl a handful of sugar at her brother. Show her, again using indoor voice, that she can use the measuring cup to put ¾ cup into the butter.

Add 1 tsp. vanilla to the butter, then drink remainder of bottle. When you realize that kids have found spoons and are eating the brown sugar, grab a spoon for yourself, because brown sugar is good! Make sure to leave ¾ cup to put into butter.

It is very important that you make sure there are no little fingers in the bowl when you turn on the electric mixer! Don’t make that mistake again! Cream butter, vanilla and sugars until as fluffy as the butter/flour mixture in your hair. Ask each child to crack one egg into a bowl. Again, DUCK! Repeat as needed until you have two eggs ready to go. Put them in with the butter and keep mixing then add flour stuff.

Tear open bag of chocolate chips and eat. Don’t share with children, as that much chocolate will make them hyper. Open second bag, allot three chips per child and put the rest into the mix.

Drop onto cookie sheet and bake eight minutes. Enjoy with satisfaction that comes from self-righteous parenting. Make sure to turn off oven and turn on Noggin before falling asleep on couch.

Up next: reader mail! Tell me your troubles and I’ll tell you what to eat to fix ‘em!
Leave a message or send an email!

Noisy Neighbor Porn Again Panini

Dear Reader,

Everyone knows that New York is one of the most diverse cities in the world, and it is my home. In my building alone we have people representing seven countries. There is a doctor, two architects, a single mother, a creepy man downstairs who hangs out in the storage room, a couple of drunks and my next door neighbor is an adult film star. I’m sure many of you are familiar with his work, as he tells me he is the best in the business.

He’s all in all a good neighbor, except that sometimes he works from home and that can be a tad noisy. Last night he and his colleagues kept me up till 3 am. So today I am tired, cranky and in need of a good sandwich. I hope you enjoy my Noisy Neighbor Porn Again Panini as much as I did!

Noisy Neighbor Porn Again Panini

You will need:

1 small ciabatta bread
4 slices Emmenthaler
Sliced tomato
Butter
Diced cornichons
Dijon mustard
Tape recorder.


Split ciabatta in half. Spread Dijon mustard on the top half of the bread, and lather on the butter on the bottom, like the swarthy gentleman you saw in the elevator earlier is no doubt doing to your neighbor’s bottom. Layer cheese slices, tomato and diced cornichons on the bread being sure to tiptoe around kitchen so as not to arouse suspicion that you are trying to hear what is going on. Place a large skillet on the stove and turn up the heat, just as the heat is going up next door. Slide sandwich into pan just like the swarthy guy… You get the picture. (If not, this and many other pictures are for sale on the neighbor’s website.)

Press down on top side of the bread to toast bottom, then flip over and do the other side. Wink wink. When panini is done, bring it to where noise is loudest – in my house this is the top shelf of my closet, behind all my clothes that no longer fit, next to the fax machine that is never used. Eat while making quick recording of the screaming and moaning coming from Apt. 7C to be played back at full volume the next time you’re feeling lonely.

Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves Mother's Day Frittata

Dear Reader,

It is time once again for my most favorite holiday! A day of relaxation and pampering and drinking too much and sleeping it off. I am speaking of course of Mother’s Day. As a mother, this is the best day of my year. I sleep late, have a massage and drink mimosas all day long! Of course this takes a little planning on my part, so I am here to offer some tips to you moms so that you can enjoy your day as much as I will.

I hear from so many women who have complaints about Mother’s Day.

For instance Lauren from Flagstaff writes:

Last year I woke on Mother’s Day to find my husband had left early to go golfing. When I met him later for my Mother’s Day brunch he was already drunk so I had to be the designated driver.

And Sally from Sheboygan writes:

My husband let the kids make me breakfast in bed, which consisted of three Skittles in a tea cup and a giant, inexplicable mess in the kitchen for me to clean.

And poor Beth from Katonah:

Every Mother’s Day I have to go to my mother-in-law’s house and spend the day cleaning out her gutters while she soaks her bunions in Epsom Salts. My husband Danny goes with his dad to the whorehouse in Mt. Kisco. It’s their way of ‘giving the women folk a rest.’ Well I think it stinks.

I couldn’t agree more, Beth. That doesn’t sound like fun at all.

To help, I’ve cooked up a little frittata for the moms. So whether you birthed your kids through your vagina, or your organs were removed from and replaced into your body during a c-section, or you bought your kids on eBay, this one is for you!

Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves Mother’s Day Frittata

You will need:

8 eggs
2 Tbs. butter
Alarm clock
1 cup onions, thinly sliced
1 cup Gruyere, grated
Phone
1 cup sliced mushrooms
Champagne
1 cup spring peas
Handful Parmesan cheese
Salt and Pepper
Pen and paper

The day prior to Mother’s Day, preheat broiler then heat butter in a 10-inch non-stick skillet. Sauté onions until translucent then add mushrooms. Use phone to book any spa treatments you wish your husband would have booked for you.

Crack eggs into a bowl and scramble with a fork. Toss peas into skillet then add in the eggs the way you added your eggs to baby daddy’s sperm to make the kids that are supposed to be making this frittata for you. Season with salt and pepper.

Sprinkle all over with Gruyere and cook until almost set. Throw on the Parmesan and place under broiler until golden brown. Remove from oven and cool.

Set alarm for one hour earlier than kids get up. Heat frittata in oven, enjoy with a glass of champagne. Pen quick note to husband and kids saying “Thanks for the day off! It’s just what I wanted!” Don’t forget to bring champagne with you to spa appointments! Call home at end of day for a ride, as you will be too drunk to drive. Once home, head straight to bed with either the box set of the Twilight series, collected films of Robert Wagner or giant book of crossword puzzles, depending on age.

Shit Yourself Skinny!!!

Dear Reader,

Now that warmer weather is upon us I have realized a startling fact – I forgot to get skinny in time to wear skinny clothing! No matter, there are endless diets to be dieted. I can always just stop eating all together. This diet is called the “Master Cleanse” and enables you to shed upwards of 15 pounds in two weeks. Of course, these pounds will come directly from my brain, as that is always the first to go.

I was thinking of a story a friend told me about an unfortunate incident she had after eating a bag of dried apricots in a park, far from the nearest lavatory, when I had what I think is a stroke of genius. It is my “Shit Yourself Skinny” (patent pending) diet and is sure to help all of us shed those unwanted pounds in no time. The best thing is that you can actually see and feel the extra pounds coming out of you!

Enjoy!

Shit Yourself Skinny
Daily Menu

Breakfast
1 cup prunes, ½ cup All-Bran extra fiber
½ cup soy milk (vanilla is okay)
¼ cup flax seeds
2 cups coffee

Snack
1 pint cherries
½ cup almonds

Lunch
2 slices whole wheat bread
1 medium watermelon, cut into chunks
½ cup flax seed oil, drizzled over watermelon
2 cups coffee

Snack
1 pound bag dried apricots

Dinner
½ cabbage, steamed
2 cups broccoli, steamed
1 cup turnip greens, shredded and drizzled with ¼ cup olive oil and squeeze of lemon
2 hard-boiled eggs
4 Tbs. flax seed oil

You will also need:

Extra underpants in case of accidents or leakage
Super soft toilet paper for overworked sphincters
Reading material
A camera if you like to document your poops
Lysol

Po'Boys

Dear Reader,

I’ve received some sad and frankly, terrifying news from a reader in Queens. Tammy Stamivovich writes:

Heather, please help me!!! I feel like shit. I got a fever and runny nose and now I find out it’s the fuckin' swine flu. I can’t even leave the freakin' house and OMG my mom is driving me nuts. She’s sealing up all the windows and she wears this stupid mask all the time. And those yellow rubber gloves are fugly. It’s so annoying. And that's not even the worst part. Swine flu makes me sound fat. Bird flu would be better than being sick like a frickin' pig!!! And really, I’m not fat. I swear!!! My jeans are a size 6X. What can I possibly eat that is gonna make me feel better and not make me puke?

Well Tammy, I hope you feel better soon! And in the meantime do not leave your house, do not open the windows and do not even look toward Manhattan, where I live. And tell your mom to stay put as well. Enjoy this sandwich from the comfort of your own home with an ice cold root beer or cup of tea.

Pork Po’Boys for Po’Swine Flu Shut Ins

You will need:

1 pound ground pork
½ tsp. cayenne pepper
¼ tsp. garlic powder
¼ tsp. onion powder
Oil
Mayonnaise
Pickles
Lettuce
Tamiflu
Face mask
Inhaler
Antibacterial gel
Baguette
Hot sauce

Call Red Cross or, if you are a minor, Save the Children volunteers to bring you necessary ingredients.

In a medium bowl mix together pork and spices. Vigorous mixing may lead to shortness of breath, so have inhaler handy to open bronchioles. Form pork into long patties, the width of the baguette.

Coat bottom of a pan with oil and place over medium-high heat. The last thing you need is a case of salmonella, so be sure to cook patties well. Root around in dirt for a time, roll in the mud to cool off, then apply a thick coat of anti-bacterial gel to hands and hoofs.

While pork is as sizzling as your fever, chop pickles and mix them with the mayonnaise. Thinly shred lettuce like your endlessly running nose has shredded so many tissues. Rub bristly butt on a fence post for a good scratching then smear mayonnaise on bread and top with pork patty. Douse with hot sauce as you are so congested you won’t be able to taste anything anyway. Enjoy with Tamiflu and television, to maintain contact with the outside world.