Kim Kardashian's Big Booty Bolognese

Dear Reader,

I have not been very good at keeping up with the Kardashians.  However, I am aware that Kim, the doyenne of that domicile, has decided to go completely silent on Twitter (No no no!  Tell me this isn't true!) in order to raise money or something for kids or something.  I offer Kim, and you, something to fill the time.  Enjoy.

Kim Kardashian's Big Booty Bolognese

You will need:

Butter
Olive oil
Bacon
1 lb. ground beef
1 onion, chopped
1 carrot, grated
1 book, opened
1 stick celery, chopped
White wine
1 cup milk
1 large can whole plum tomatoes
Sofa

Melt butter in a large pan with olive oil, and add beef to brown. Toss in chopped bacon.  If you don't have any bacon, call Khloe, she has some.  Bible.  Sizzle it up till it's smokin' hot like your booty.  Add onion, carrot, and celery.  While that cooks, think of ways to fill your time now that you aren't on Twitter anymore.  How about Facebooking?  Or here's a riddle - what did people do before there was twitter and stuff like that?  Read books!  Read a book, Kim.  I have a suggestion - Flaubert.  It sorta sounds like flatulence or something that comes from your booty anyway, like, "OMG Kourtney, did you see the size of that flaubert I just dropped in the toilet?  Jeez!"  Read the book.  Tear the white wine out of your mother's clenched fist, and pour some into the pot, about a cupful.  When that has simmered away, pour in the milk and let it simmer as well.  Now is the time to flip the cushions on the sofa, so that each one gets the same amount of wear and tear from your booty.  When the milk has been absorbed, add in the tomatoes in their juice.  Break the tomatoes up with your hands.  Do not use your butt cheeks to break up the tomatoes, even though they are stronger than your hands.  Fecal matter will contaminate the sauce.  Let sauce simmer for one hour and serve over spaghetti.

Cookies for Beleaguered Parents

Dear Reader,

There comes a time in the life of every parent who loves to cook that they want to share that love with their children. However, cooking with your children is fraught with peril. Here I have devised a perfect recipe to prepare you for the task.

Cookies for Beleaguered Parents

You will need:

Patience
6 cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
3 tsp. salt
Water
1 ½ cup butter, softened
1 cup sugar
2 cups brown sugar
1 bottle vanilla extract
6 eggs (or more)
2 bags chocolate chips
Swiffers
Television

Preheat oven to 375° F. Ask Timmy to measure out 1 cup flour. When he dumps it on floor, show him how to use the measuring cup. When he dumps that on floor, show him again, using best patience. Repeat this process until you have 2 ¼ cups flour in a bowl. Add baking soda to the mix and ask Sally to measure 1 tsp. salt. When she mistakes salt for sugar and eats two spoonfuls, give her water to drink. A lot of water. Put 1 tsp. salt into the flour.

Notice out of the corner of your eye that Sally is now gagging and glistening for some reason. Deduce from the stick of butter in Timmy’s hand that he has greased his sister. Remove butter from his hands and put 1 cup into a separate bowl. Try to wash butter off Sally, wiping and smearing and causing much shouting and anger on her part. Give up and let her put the sugar into the bowl. Now DUCK! because she’s about to hurl a handful of sugar at her brother. Show her, again using indoor voice, that she can use the measuring cup to put ¾ cup into the butter.

Add 1 tsp. vanilla to the butter, then drink remainder of bottle. When you realize that kids have found spoons and are eating the brown sugar, grab a spoon for yourself, because brown sugar is good! Make sure to leave ¾ cup to put into butter.

It is very important that you make sure there are no little fingers in the bowl when you turn on the electric mixer! Don’t make that mistake again! Cream butter, vanilla and sugars until as fluffy as the butter/flour mixture in your hair. Ask each child to crack one egg into a bowl. Again, DUCK! Repeat as needed until you have two eggs ready to go. Put them in with the butter and keep mixing then add flour stuff.

Tear open bag of chocolate chips and eat. Don’t share with children, as that much chocolate will make them hyper. Open second bag, allot three chips per child and put the rest into the mix.

Drop onto cookie sheet and bake eight minutes. Enjoy with satisfaction that comes from self-righteous parenting. Make sure to turn off oven and turn on Noggin before falling asleep on couch.

Up next: reader mail! Tell me your troubles and I’ll tell you what to eat to fix ‘em!
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