Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
In the Flesh and on the You Tube!
Dear Reader,
As you may recall last week I took part in the Sex and Food night for the In the Flesh reading series. And now the results are up on the youtubes! A word of warning - if you are easily offended, or if you are my mom or my dad or my older brother Jason, you may want to skip this.
As you may recall last week I took part in the Sex and Food night for the In the Flesh reading series. And now the results are up on the youtubes! A word of warning - if you are easily offended, or if you are my mom or my dad or my older brother Jason, you may want to skip this.
Monday, February 1, 2010
A CONTEST! YOU COULD WIN A CONTEST!
Dear Reader,
This Valentine's season (yes, it is an entire season) I am feeling generous. And so I offer you a chance to win a copy of my book Eat Your Feelings: Recipes for Self-Loathing, for your very own. I will even sign it for you or your Valentine with whatever you would like inscribed, in whatever medium you desire, short of my own blood.
Here's what you have to do:
Follow me on this blog: just click on the little button to the right that says "Follow." Duh.
Follow me on TWITTER.
and here is the fun part:
Send me the story of your or your "friend's" worst breakup EVER. I'll tell you mine, too. You can send it to heathereatsherfeelings@gmail.com
Whoever has the best worst story will win a copy of my book (valued at $25.95) of their very own! What could be better than that? Nothing, that's what!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Here She Is, Miss America!
Dear Reader,
Last night America crowned a new queen, and our new Miss America is a lovely lady from Virginia. The pageant last night offered many entertainments, particularly in the talent portion of the competition. Miss Nebraska memorably jazz-danced to Legally Blonde in underpants that matched her purse, and you're never going to guess what Miss Hawaii did for her talent. Hula dancing! For real! Seriously, is there any way to determine good hula dancing from average hula dancing? I can't tell. My five year old daughter could do what Miss Hawaii did last night, if I allowed her to watch it.
We all remember the controversy surrounding the question and answer portion of the Miss USA pageant, so I thought I would offer my answers for the questions put to our country's "brightest" young ladies.
1) Sports stars like Tiger Woods can get millions of dollars for endorsements. Do we have a right to expect them to be positive role models?
No. I think a big problem in society right now, particularly with kids, is that they put way too much emphasis on fame and celebrity, to the point that the pursuit of fame is a viable career path regardless of perceivable talent. I think the Tiger Woods saga offers the perfect opportunity to say to our children, "You see? That guy is really good at golf, but he's a total loser when it comes to everything else." I would rather my children look up to people like this as their heroes.
2) We live in an age where we are not only U.S. citizens, but members of the international community. Should learning foreign languages be emphasized in our schools?
Absolutely. Beginning in kindergarten children should learn Spanish, as it is much easier for kids to learn new languages than adults. Also learning languages improves math ability and we all know that most American kids could use some help in that area. Then in middle school kids should be able to choose a third language to master. Only a moron would not want their kids to be multi-lingual.
3) The Miss America Organization promotes healthy choices and fitness, yet teen obesity has become a growing health problem for our nation. What should be done to get our young people back on track?
This is a huge issue and very complicated, as the cheapest food choices are also the most unhealthy. But I think Miss Virginia had the right idea by telling parents to turn off the TV and video games, but more importantly don't feed your kids junk food. Duh. Anyway it's not just American youth that have an obesity problem. We are basically a country of lardasses.
4) Are social networks like Facebook a safe and healthy way for our young kids to engage socially?
Sort of. It's a great way to keep in touch with people that are far away, but it's also a great way for someone to post a photo of you doing naked keg stands and get you kicked off the track team.
5) Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol. Even when he's right his criticism can be very mean. When you're trying to help someone what's better - tough love or being gentle?
I don't particularly like it when Simon is mean to the kids that are on leave from the psych ward. But not everyone is good at everything, and sometimes, when I go to the theater for example, I wish that I could BOO.
6) The U.S. leads the international community in sending emergency aid to Haiti, why should we send money abroad when we're facing so many problems at home?
Because there are kids having their legs amputated with no anesthesia, you selfish woman. Donate here.
7) Mark McGuire and other athletes have admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. Should athelets who use drugs be banned from sports for life?
Yes. That's cheating, and a fine or suspension is clearly no deterrent. On the other hand, I think that kid, Shaun White, aka The Flying Tomato, should have been given an extra medal for kicking ass in snowboarding even though he was stoned out of his mind.
So that's it. Did I win? Oh my god! Oh my god! Thank you Jesus! This is NUTS!
Last night America crowned a new queen, and our new Miss America is a lovely lady from Virginia. The pageant last night offered many entertainments, particularly in the talent portion of the competition. Miss Nebraska memorably jazz-danced to Legally Blonde in underpants that matched her purse, and you're never going to guess what Miss Hawaii did for her talent. Hula dancing! For real! Seriously, is there any way to determine good hula dancing from average hula dancing? I can't tell. My five year old daughter could do what Miss Hawaii did last night, if I allowed her to watch it.
We all remember the controversy surrounding the question and answer portion of the Miss USA pageant, so I thought I would offer my answers for the questions put to our country's "brightest" young ladies.
1) Sports stars like Tiger Woods can get millions of dollars for endorsements. Do we have a right to expect them to be positive role models?
No. I think a big problem in society right now, particularly with kids, is that they put way too much emphasis on fame and celebrity, to the point that the pursuit of fame is a viable career path regardless of perceivable talent. I think the Tiger Woods saga offers the perfect opportunity to say to our children, "You see? That guy is really good at golf, but he's a total loser when it comes to everything else." I would rather my children look up to people like this as their heroes.
2) We live in an age where we are not only U.S. citizens, but members of the international community. Should learning foreign languages be emphasized in our schools?
Absolutely. Beginning in kindergarten children should learn Spanish, as it is much easier for kids to learn new languages than adults. Also learning languages improves math ability and we all know that most American kids could use some help in that area. Then in middle school kids should be able to choose a third language to master. Only a moron would not want their kids to be multi-lingual.
3) The Miss America Organization promotes healthy choices and fitness, yet teen obesity has become a growing health problem for our nation. What should be done to get our young people back on track?
This is a huge issue and very complicated, as the cheapest food choices are also the most unhealthy. But I think Miss Virginia had the right idea by telling parents to turn off the TV and video games, but more importantly don't feed your kids junk food. Duh. Anyway it's not just American youth that have an obesity problem. We are basically a country of lardasses.
4) Are social networks like Facebook a safe and healthy way for our young kids to engage socially?
Sort of. It's a great way to keep in touch with people that are far away, but it's also a great way for someone to post a photo of you doing naked keg stands and get you kicked off the track team.
5) Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol. Even when he's right his criticism can be very mean. When you're trying to help someone what's better - tough love or being gentle?
I don't particularly like it when Simon is mean to the kids that are on leave from the psych ward. But not everyone is good at everything, and sometimes, when I go to the theater for example, I wish that I could BOO.
6) The U.S. leads the international community in sending emergency aid to Haiti, why should we send money abroad when we're facing so many problems at home?
Because there are kids having their legs amputated with no anesthesia, you selfish woman. Donate here.
7) Mark McGuire and other athletes have admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. Should athelets who use drugs be banned from sports for life?
Yes. That's cheating, and a fine or suspension is clearly no deterrent. On the other hand, I think that kid, Shaun White, aka The Flying Tomato, should have been given an extra medal for kicking ass in snowboarding even though he was stoned out of his mind.
So that's it. Did I win? Oh my god! Oh my god! Thank you Jesus! This is NUTS!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Loooove Cookies
Dear Reader,
In my ongoing crusade to not be a total lardass, I recently purchased a copy of Shape Magazine. Not to read, mind you, but to place on the little treadmill tray thingie and serve as inspiration. I couldn't help but notice this piece of flawed advice screaming at me from the cover over Mandy Moore's face:
In my ongoing crusade to not be a total lardass, I recently purchased a copy of Shape Magazine. Not to read, mind you, but to place on the little treadmill tray thingie and serve as inspiration. I couldn't help but notice this piece of flawed advice screaming at me from the cover over Mandy Moore's face:
I will agree that you cannot find love in most cookies. But then again, you can't find love in most people, either. Today I offer you a cookie that won't exactly make out with you, but it will feel like a nice groping. Enjoy.
Loooove Cookies
You will need:
1 1/4 cup butter
2/3 cup brown sugar
1/2 tsp. baking soda
3/4 tsp. sea salt
1 large egg
1/2 tsp. vanilla
1 cup flour
chocolate chips
toffee
malt balls
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Instead of creaming your jeans over your latest ex, how about creaming some butter with brown sugar, baking soda and sea salt instead? When that's done, crack in a large, round egg to represent the chance you have of getting laid anytime soon, and mix that up, too. Pour in the vanilla to match your personality. Stir it all together and dump in the flour.
Place chocolate chips, toffee and malt balls in a food processor and pulse a few times, keeping time to your own pulse just to make sure you still have one. Mix this into the dough and drop in tiny spoonfuls onto a cookie sheet.
Bake for seven minutes or until as delicious and gooey as the scuba instructor you met in Barbados last year. Click on the video below, and eat cookies either very, very slowly and tenderly or with total abandon, as desired.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
People of the world!
Dear Reader,
I would like to take the time to welcome citizens of six additional countries that have read this blog. This week EatYourFeelings.com reached readers in Vietnam, Malaysia, Saudi Arabia, Bulgaria, Greece and my personal favorite - as it was home to my great-grandparents - Ukraine! Welcome! Send me recipes for the food that you find most comforting when feeling bad or sad or terribly hungover. I will make it!
Alternatively I have noticed that I have not yet had a single reader from Switzerland, which hurts me deeply as fondue is my most favorite food in the world. Surely one of you knows someone in perhaps Basel or Bern or Vals or Zurich! Send them a link to this blog and I will be most thankful!
Also a quick note to let you know that, in North America, Starbucks has teamed up with the Red Cross so now you can donate to relief effort in Haiti when you get your coffee. You can even donate the remainder of your Starbucks gift card. Wyclef will tell you all about it.
Have a great weekend!
Friday, January 22, 2010
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