Mind Blowing Eggs for Smarty Pants Teenagers

Dear Reader,

Last week as I was polishing off the last of the chocolate eggs, I was wondering aloud why the Easter holiday even features eggs. It's really kind of creepy when you think about a giant rabbit sneaking around and hiding eggs all over your house. I mean, if a person were doing that, they'd likely get shot. Well lucky me, I have a smarty pants in the family, in the person of one teenage son, who told me that eggs are featured in Easter celebrations because the holiday is derivative of pagan fertility rituals, and eggs are, duh, all about fertility. Then he went on to tell me about gender fluidity, and that our universe began as a singularity and is expanding in all directions at the same time, and therefore has no center. I tried really hard, but I can't get my mind around that, and did you guys even know about gender fluidity? I needed a drink.

All of a sudden it was time to make dinner, and I wasn't in the mood to go to the grocery store to buy food stuffs for cookery, because like I said, I had been drinking. I opened my cupboards and did a quick inventory, and found the perfect solution in the form of the almighty egg.  I present to you, the ultimate food for any meal. Seriously - breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, late night snack, second dinner, it's perfect

Enjoy.

Mind Blowing Eggs for Smarty Pants Teenagers

You will need:
Olive oil
Onion, chopped fine
Garlic, minced
Paprika
White wine
1 can crushed tomatoes
Eggs
Cheeses
Chives
Baguette

First up, preheat the oven to 425. Pour some olive oil into a sauce pan, and when it gets glossy, add in the onion. Saute for five minutes or so, then add the garlic. Give it a stir, then add a half teaspoon of paprika. If you like, you can also add a pinch of crushed red pepper. I skipped this because I was making this for my family, and if I make something that is at all spicy, I have to sit across the table from people who are gasping, clutching their throats, gulping down water, and sometimes trying to wipe off their tongues with a napkin. So I left it out. If you like it, toss it in. Next up, mommy's little helper, aka white wine. Pour in a glug and stir everything around. My buzz was starting to wear off, so I also poured a few glugs into a glass for my enjoyment. Then I added the tomatoes and some salt and pepper. I let it simmer for about twenty minutes, you can let it simmer for longer, but I was hungry.

I greased the inside of my ramekins with a little butter, then ladled in some of the tomato sauce. Then I cracked an egg into a small bowl and tipped it into the ramekin. NOTE: I did not simply crack the egg into the ramekin itself, as this might result in shells in the dish, and subsequent micro-inspection of food by fellow diners, nor did I hide the whole egg under the sauce, as that would be disgusting. Once the egg is inside, sprinkle on some salt and pepper.

I placed my ramekins on a baking sheet and also threw on some sliced baguette that I had brushed with olive oil. I kept a close eye on the whole affair once it went into the oven, so I could remove the baguette once nicely toasted. When the egg whites were almost set, I sprinkled grated cheeses over the ramekins. One of us wanted Cheddar, two wanted Parmesan, one wanted Gruyere. No problem for me, as I had all three. If you have to choose, I'd go for the Parmesan. Back into the oven until the whites were set, the cheese melted, and the yolks still runny. Snip, snip, snip, went the chives on top, and are you freaking kidding me?!? This was so delicious I made it again two nights later, and nobody even complained. In fact, they were delighted. Mind blown.

Mind-Blowing Mac and Cheese

Dear Reader,

Here is how I spent a recent Saturday afternoon.  A brief warning, this was an activity done with the help of children, so excuse the shaky creative camera work.  Also a note:  My son, the resident food police, was horrified at the amount of fat involved in this macaroni and cheese, but what he didn't know is that the cheese, or some of the cheese I used was of the lower fat variety, and the milk was 2%.  I was trying to make a lighter version of a gooey, crunchy-topped mac and cheese, and I have to say, it was divine. I've listed the ingredients below.  Enjoy!

Mind-Blowing Mac and Cheese

You will need

1 baguette (most of one)
4 Tbs. butter
1 box elbows (noodles - not actual elbows, bleh)
1/2 cup flour
6 Tbs. butter
5 1/2 cups 2% milk
1 tsp. dry mustard
1/4 tsp. cayenne
salt and pepper
1 8 oz pkg. Cabot Extra Sharp 75% fat Cheddar
1 8 oz. pkg. Cabot Extra Sharp Cheddar
8 oz. Gruyere


For Pickle Deliciousness:

1 shallot
Handful parsley
Handful chives
Handful tarragon
Half of a jalapeño (I removed seeds for benefit of wimpy kids who didn't try it anyway)
Handful cornichons (otherwise known in my house as, "snack")
Splash Sherry vinegar

Totally Forgot About Swim Suit Season Garlic Bread Pudding

Dear Reader,

It has been raining for what seems like weeks.  This cold grey weather feels more late September than early June, which perhaps explains my lack of judgment in preparing last night's dinner.  Smart gals plan June menus with an eye toward fitting into a bathing suit at the beach rather than having to wrap yourself in two garbage bags tied together with duct tape.  But I kind of don't care because what I made was so freaking good.  Real good.  I had almost an entire loaf of garlic bread left over from the night before, and maybe I've been watching too many episodes of Chopped, but my mind immediately went to bread pudding.  Holy cow.

Totally Forgot About Swim Suit Season Garlic Bread Pudding

 I had some mushrooms, so I sauteed them in my skillet with a little butter.

 I also had some soy sausage, so I fried that up as well.

I put these things in a dish with my torn up garlic bread.  Everything was looking a little brownish, so I threw in some sliced sun-dried tomatoes because I don't care if it's not 1994 anymore, I still love the damn things.  I mixed three eggs and three egg yolks with two cups of milk, salt and pepper, and poured it over the whole mess.  Then I waited about 45 minutes.  I didn't really just wait for 45 minutes.  I was doing other things during that time.  That would be pretty sad if I just sat and watched the bread sopping up the custard for 45 whole minutes while I cried deep down on the inside that I had nothing better to do.  What I should have done is filled up on carrot sticks or broccoli to avoid the coming feeding frenzy.  I sprinkled on a generous handful of grated parmesan and baked at 350 for about 40 minutes.

I know, it doesn't look like I ate much, but this was the plate I served to my son, who almost gagged literally to death on the sun-dried tomatoes, but otherwise thoroughly enjoyed this dish.

To make up for this decadence, I offer this musical sampling, perfectly distracting for the long slog on the treadmill.  And this dude kind of looks like a musical theater version of my husband.  Enjoy.

Suburban Salad

Dear Reader,

I know I have been silent for a while, but with good reason.  I moved!  Goodbye NYC, hello rabid raccoon chewing on my garage door!  There are many ways in which a move can enrich one's life, lessons to learn, new friends to make, but the most important lesson of all is this:  moving sucks.  First there were the heart wrenching goodbye ceremonies for my children in their classes.  My kids were crying, other kids were crying, it was an emotional Hunger Games.  Then the stress of hoping that the people who are buying your house won't suddenly change their minds so that the kids have to go back to school on Monday after all the farewells.  The worry that there might be poltergeists or radon (God, the radon!) lurking in your new basement, and then, once you move in, what the hell is that noise coming from under the living room floor every night at three in the morning?  It sounds like squirrels are bowling under there.  But to every cloud there is a silver lining, and today it arrived in the form of a mouse stuck to a glue trap just outside a previously undetected gap from the garage into the floor of the living room.  Gotcha.  It's amazing how blood thirsty you can become after a few nights lost sleep.

I thought I would miss NYC more than I do.  Of course I miss friends, but in this day and age, people are never really very far away.  For instance, I knew the moment my friend Sophia was egged in the head by neighborhood hooligans, and she lives in London.  I do miss bumping into people that I know walking down the street.  Hell, I miss walking down the street.  But I love my car and it costs less than we used to pay for our parking space in NYC.  Nobody ever tells you that life in the suburbs is a paradise for parents.  In New York mornings began with a 7 AM leap out of bed, hurrying the kids into their clothes, force feeding them freezer waffles and then everybody hustling out the door to wait for the elevator, because you can't take the stairs, not when your neighbor leaves used condoms between the second and third floor landings.   Then rushing down the street for a cab, or to the subway, then rushing down another street to the school, avoiding traffic, then being swept up into a sea of parents and children all funneling into a mouse-infested, lice-ridden old building, kissing goodbye while avoiding eye contact with other parents who might try and lure you into volunteering for mouse turd clean up duty.

This morning, we woke to the sound of birds singing. The kids got dressed and came downstairs for egg sandwiches and french toast, and I'm not making that up.  Then we all walked to the end of the driveway where we said hello to the neighbor, then to the friendly bus driver, who whisked my kids off to their idyllic school which is surrounded by forsythia and has two gyms and two music rooms and where the lunch room has windows!  I then went back to my house and ate a bowl of cereal.  Then stared at the wall until The View came on, which I listened to just for the sound of their voices.  No.  I'm kidding about that.  Except the cereal.  Newman's Own Vanilla Almond with a banana.  Then I found the dead mouse, jabbed my finger at it and said, "Fuck you, you noisy little fucker."  You can take the girl out of the city...

In honor of my new life here in the country, I offer you a salad on account of I've gained about ten thousand pounds because it's too damn hilly here to run very far.  Enjoy.

Suburban Salad

You will need

Glue Traps
Watercress
Butter Lettuce
Vidalia Onion
Blue Cheese
Cherry Tomatoes
Carpenter
Avocado
Mulch
Hard Boiled Egg
Professional Window Cleaner
White balsamic vinegar
Olive Oil
Dry mustard
Salt
Pepper


When woken in the night by animals scampering in the attic, the garage, the nearby woods, or gnawing on your apparently tasty garage door, do not freak out!  Go to refrigerator, remove watercress and butter lettuce, tear into a bowl.  Slice Vidalia onion as thin as the deed for your new home.  Sprinkle on blue cheese, which is the most prevalent cheese in WASP country.  You might find some growing right outside on your blue cheese tree.  Halve cherry tomatoes.  While looking out the window, notice that the lawn guy didn't finish mulching the flower bed.  Realize that you have spent more on mulch, a product which you heretofore did not even know existed, than you spent on three years of nursery school for your firstborn.  Notice the warp on the window sill.  Slice and chop an avocado and add "fix old window sill" to the ten page list of jobs for the carpenter, while resolving to learn how to fix things for yourself.  Surely it can't be too hard to replace a faucet?  Right?  Chop a hard boiled egg and place in the salad bowl.  While staring in the direction of the noise coming from the attic, notice that the absurdly tall window in the foyer is filthy.  Realize that whoever installed this window must have been in cahoots with a professional window cleaning company because only they would be in possession of the tools required to clean it.  Wonder if you could call the volunteer fire department and pretend there is a fire around that window so they might squirt it with the high powered hose.  In a small bowl mix together white balsamic vinegar, dry mustard, salt and pepper.  Toss together and enjoy before setting glue traps.  When finished, empty remaining contents into sink and listen to the sweet sweet sound of the garbage disposal as it grinds up all your scraps along with your worries.

 

It's My Birthday Puff Pastry With Love and Affection and Brie

Dear Reader,

That's right!  Today is my birthday!  To celebrate, I am going to spend a little time with my very best friend, Puff Pastry.  Then, before the kids get home, I'm going to sit in a dark movie theater with all the other dirty old ladies and watch New Moon again.  I can if I want, cause like I said, it's my birthday!

Enjoy.

It's My Birthday Puff Pastry With Love and Affection and Brie

You will need:

Love

Affection

Puff Pastry

Brie

Egg

Fruits

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.  Hug the puff pastry tightly, whispering affectionate words until it is thaw.  Place the brie on the pastry and give it a kiss.  Then wrap the pastry around the brie like a little present.  Place on a baking sheet into the oven that is as warm as the love in your heart, on this day, my birthday!  Crack an egg into a bowl and paint the pastry all over.  Any leftover pastry can be cut into letters to spell out, "Happy Birthday Heather!  Enjoy the cheese!"  Pop into the oven for about 20 minutes and then bring to my house for me to enjoy.

Ham Souffle for a High School Reunion

Dear Reader,

Apologies, but it has taken me some time to process this whole high school reunion thing.  First off, it was completely overwhelming.  The first hour was spent having the same two minute conversation thirty times.  And then one thing became painfully evident - people don't change.  If you were a douchebag in high school, chances are you're still a douchebag.  A fat, balding douchebag.  The one exception to this rule is nerds.  Nerds are great.  If you were a dorky nerd in high school, chances are good that you look better than ever - perhaps due to high earning potential resulting from proficiency in math and computer science, and chances are even better that you've got a winning personality, having honed your wit to prevent being stuffed in a locker.  Whatever stereotype you fit into in high school, I offer you not only something delicious to eat, but also some tips should you attend your own reunion.  Enjoy.

Ham Souffle for a High School Reunion

You will need:

Honesty

Parmesan cheese

1 cup milk

2 1/2 Tbs. butter

3 Tbs. flour

1/2 tsp. salt

4 egg yolks

Facial 

5 egg whites

1 cup shredded Gruyere cheese

1 cup diced Prosciutto

Limo

Photographer

Look yourself in the eye, either by standing in front of a mirror or by staring at a recent photo of yourself, and honestly answer the question, "Have I ever been happier than I was in high school?"  If the answer is, "Are you kidding?  Of course I have!  High school was alright, but kind of a nightmare sometimes."  You'll be fine.  If you answer,  "Of course not.  High school was the absolute most best time of my life.  Everybody loved me.  I ruled the school and all those dorks wished they could be just like me," get ready, because your upcoming reunion is going to be a very BIG NIGHT for  you, and you've got work to do.

Begin with your body.  It's true that nobody looks the same as they did in high school, but trust me, some of these stay-at-home moms have been doing non-stop Pilates instead of rooting around in the fridge like you have.  Spare no expense and put yourself on a juice fast starting right after you eat the delicious souffle that is as full of ham as your campaign for Student Council President.  Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Call old high school friends to see who is planning on attending, and most important - what they will be wearing!  Grease a souffle dish with butter, dabbing a little bit around the eyes to soften your crow's feet.  Pour Parmesan cheese into the dish and tilt to coat all over.  Speaking of coats, do an assessment of your marriage.  If it is falling apart before your eyes, purchase a gigantic jewel or great big fur coat to distract from your evident loneliness.  Warm the milk in a pot.

In a large saucepan, melt the butter over low heat and stir in the flour.  Whisk vigorously for two or three minutes to tighten and tone your wobbly triceps, then pour in the milk and keep whisking until as thick as your high school boyfriend's skull.  Season with salt and add the yolks one at a time as you remember all your greatest moments - when three boys on the lacrosse team asked you to the prom; the talent show where you received a standing ovation for your hilarious send up of Principal Foster; the graduation party your parents threw - 4 kegs!  Set saucepan aside to cool.

Whip the egg whites until stiff, then fold into the yolk mixture alternately with Gruyere and Prosciutto.  Pour into the prepared dish and decide what to wear.  Obviously this will be determined by your household income and your sense of self-worth.  If you are fortunate to have come from a wealthy family, make a list of all that your wealth has allowed you to accomplish for yourself and the world.  If you spend part of the year, say, handing out mosquito nets in Uganda, then it really won't matter to you.  However, if you spend part of the year in St. Barths and the other part hanging around the house and shopping, what you wear makes a big difference!  Keep it understated, to minimize your selfishness.

Pop souffle into oven and turn the heat down to 375.  Bake until golden brown and puffed up like your high school boyfriend is now.  Eat entirety while reading old yearbooks and crying.  Do not forget the old adage: The less you have to offer, the more you have to prove!  Depending on how sloppy drunk and slutty you acted the last time you saw these people, the more time you are going to want to spend with your hot rollers.  Book daily sessions with a personal trainer, a facial and hire a limo to take you to the prom, I mean reunion.  Also book a professional photographer, because this is going to be the last great night of your life.  Well, for the next ten years anyway.

Noisy Neighbor Porn Again Panini

Dear Reader,

Everyone knows that New York is one of the most diverse cities in the world, and it is my home. In my building alone we have people representing seven countries. There is a doctor, two architects, a single mother, a creepy man downstairs who hangs out in the storage room, a couple of drunks and my next door neighbor is an adult film star. I’m sure many of you are familiar with his work, as he tells me he is the best in the business.

He’s all in all a good neighbor, except that sometimes he works from home and that can be a tad noisy. Last night he and his colleagues kept me up till 3 am. So today I am tired, cranky and in need of a good sandwich. I hope you enjoy my Noisy Neighbor Porn Again Panini as much as I did!

Noisy Neighbor Porn Again Panini

You will need:

1 small ciabatta bread
4 slices Emmenthaler
Sliced tomato
Butter
Diced cornichons
Dijon mustard
Tape recorder.


Split ciabatta in half. Spread Dijon mustard on the top half of the bread, and lather on the butter on the bottom, like the swarthy gentleman you saw in the elevator earlier is no doubt doing to your neighbor’s bottom. Layer cheese slices, tomato and diced cornichons on the bread being sure to tiptoe around kitchen so as not to arouse suspicion that you are trying to hear what is going on. Place a large skillet on the stove and turn up the heat, just as the heat is going up next door. Slide sandwich into pan just like the swarthy guy… You get the picture. (If not, this and many other pictures are for sale on the neighbor’s website.)

Press down on top side of the bread to toast bottom, then flip over and do the other side. Wink wink. When panini is done, bring it to where noise is loudest – in my house this is the top shelf of my closet, behind all my clothes that no longer fit, next to the fax machine that is never used. Eat while making quick recording of the screaming and moaning coming from Apt. 7C to be played back at full volume the next time you’re feeling lonely.