Sunday, March 29, 2009

Salade de Tomate

Dear Reader,

This week has been a doozy for me! I came down with the most dreadful cold and could do nothing but lie in my bed all day surrounded by Theraflu and Puffs Plus, with nobody to take care of me as my husband was out of town “on business.” What’s a girl to do in those circumstances but order up a good movie on demand? My choice was Twilight. And, oh what a can of worms did I open! I watched the movie straight through ten times in twenty-four hours switching to Day-Quil shots and diet Red Bull chasers to keep me from falling asleep before the movie expired. In the morning, I had no choice but to venture out and buy the whole ridiculous and addictive teen-aged romance saga, and also a copy of the DVD to keep for my very own. Needless to say, all this worked up quite an appetite, so I whipped up this Salade for lunch. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. And now I must get back to the books.

Yours most sincerely,


Salade de Tomate for Frustrated Grown Ups Obsessed with Fictional Teen-age Vampires

You will need:



The complete Twilight series (book two optional as concerns mostly werewolves, bo-ring)

DVD of Twilight

When husband/ wife or significant other and any children you may have collected leave house, begin by coating face with a thick layer of white pancake makeup. Stick head in freezer for ten minutes to make it nice and icy like Edward Cullen’s. Take in hand one firm, ripe, blood red tomato. Raise it to your icy face and give it a good sniff, inhaling its scent. Then gently caress the tomato with just your fingertips the way that Edward Cullen does to Bella for one thousand sexually frustrating pages. Resist urge to bite tomato and instead, do a search on YouTube for Edward Cullen + sexy. Watch three of the many photomontages set to the music of Josh Groban, Kanye West and Miley Cyrus.

By this time your face has probably warmed up, so stick it back in the freezer for a few minutes, then fire up the DVD player and pop in your copy of the newly released Twilight. Fast forward to the meadow scene. Watch this three or four times as desired, then move on to the scene in her bedroom when Edward tries to kiss her and says in his icy-breath-teen-idol-vampire-that-can-dazzle-you-with-his-smouldering-eyes voice, “Don’t move-“ for fear he may devour her whole. Watch this scene at least six times, but no more then twelve or else extreme sexual frustration will ensue. Now quickly skip ahead to the prom scene. Not the whole thing, just the part in the gazebo where you think that maybe Edward and Bella are finally going to get it on – if it’s not gonna be in the sack, couldn’t he at least bite her, for crying out loud. Watch this as many times as you like.

Refreeze face and, while prom scene is playing, follow through where teenage vampire spawned from the imagination of a Mormon author cannot. Hold tomato to your icy lips and, with your teeth, pierce the skin. Bury your face in the tomato (harder to do if all you have on hand is cherry tomatoes) as you suck all the juice from its flesh. Clean yourself up, and try to act your age. And in future, if you are going to read racy novels, make sure the characters are adults and that they like to get craaaaaaazy.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Dear Reader,

I would like to share with you a little story about my friend Sheila. This girl is not only gorgeous, but also works in a high-paying creative job where she gets a clothing allowance and travel vouchers, so you know she’s a big deal. For the past four years she has lived with her boyfriend who is in the music industry – I won’t tell you his name, because he is a lying scumbag and doesn’t need the publicity, but suffice it to say that if you are a living breathing person, you know who he is.

Anyhoo, on Saturday I received a call that he had left her. To be exact, Sheila had come home to find another woman sitting on the sofa, snuggled up to her man, wearing her favorite sable robe. Oh, was Shelia distraught! Of course she launched herself at the new girl, tearing off the robe. The girl had the nerve to grab Sheila by the hair – tearing out her very expensive and expertly highlighted extensions until they lay on the floor like so many worms. Shelia did the only thing possible in that situation- she grabbed the nearest thing she could find, which happened to be a nine inch steel pipe wrench left by the plumber, and swung it at the younger girl’s head. The poor thing was immediately arrested and charged with assault.

As for the other girl, let’s just hope that there is nothing like ten hours in the emergency room and fourteen staples to the head to make you feel like a real jerk.

Of course I told Sheila that she could stay with me for one night after she paid her bail. We sat in my kitchen and she told me the whole, very painful sounding story. What a day! She needed something to calm her down and boost her up at the same time, so I made for her my famous Chicken with Mushrooms for when the Bitch Deserved It. You can find the recipe below.
I know you must be worried about how Sheila is doing, and I am happy to report that she was sentenced to a mere two months of anger management classes! Easy peasy! Enjoy the chicken!

Till next time,

With deepest sympathy,

Heather Whaley

PS Also check out the video of my fun afternoon making

Hamburger Casserole for When Nobody Loves You and Never Will
with my depressed friend Zak!

Chicken with Mushrooms for When the Bitch Deserved It

You will need:

2 chicken breasts
olive oil
1 package crimini mushrooms
prim and proper suit or other attire

Heat olive oil in a sauté pan over medium high heat. Add the mushrooms and cook until all liquid has evaporated and mushrooms are brown. Dump in a few slugs of brandy – as many slugs as you would have liked to empty into that bitch’s head if you had a firearm handy. Cook the mushrooms until they are caramelized then turn onto a plate.

Add more oil to the pan and toss in the chicken breasts, jabbing them around like you jabbed your fingers into that bitch’s eye sockets, until they are cooked on one side, them flip them over the way she flipped you over the couch giving you a nasty bruise. Season with salt and pepper.

When the chicken is almost cooked, take a long pull off the brandy to calm yourself down and pour some into the pan. Then throw in the mushrooms. Phone attorney and pick out outfit to wear to court date, being mindful that as the defendant, you are the star of the show! And also that the jury is going to convict you based entirely on first impressions just to be done with jury duty faster.

When everything is nice and cooked, put it on a plate and squeeze on some lemon juice being careful not to get any in the large scratches she put into you with those nasty long fingernails.

This pairs well with a crisp red wine such as Pinot Noir or with more brandy, or a combination of both, as desired.

Hamburger Casserole for when Nobody Loves You and Never Will