I’ve received some sad and frankly, terrifying news from a reader in Queens. Tammy Stamivovich writes:
Heather, please help me!!! I feel like shit. I got a fever and runny nose and now I find out it’s the fuckin' swine flu. I can’t even leave the freakin' house and OMG my mom is driving me nuts. She’s sealing up all the windows and she wears this stupid mask all the time. And those yellow rubber gloves are fugly. It’s so annoying. And that's not even the worst part. Swine flu makes me sound fat. Bird flu would be better than being sick like a frickin' pig!!! And really, I’m not fat. I swear!!! My jeans are a size 6X. What can I possibly eat that is gonna make me feel better and not make me puke?
Well Tammy, I hope you feel better soon! And in the meantime do not leave your house, do not open the windows and do not even look toward Manhattan, where I live. And tell your mom to stay put as well. Enjoy this sandwich from the comfort of your own home with an ice cold root beer or cup of tea.
You will need:
1 pound ground pork
½ tsp. cayenne pepper
¼ tsp. garlic powder
¼ tsp. onion powder
Call Red Cross or, if you are a minor, Save the Children volunteers to bring you necessary ingredients.
In a medium bowl mix together pork and spices. Vigorous mixing may lead to shortness of breath, so have inhaler handy to open bronchioles. Form pork into long patties, the width of the baguette.
Coat bottom of a pan with oil and place over medium-high heat. The last thing you need is a case of salmonella, so be sure to cook patties well. Root around in dirt for a time, roll in the mud to cool off, then apply a thick coat of anti-bacterial gel to hands and hoofs.
While pork is as sizzling as your fever, chop pickles and mix them with the mayonnaise. Thinly shred lettuce like your endlessly running nose has shredded so many tissues. Rub bristly butt on a fence post for a good scratching then smear mayonnaise on bread and top with pork patty. Douse with hot sauce as you are so congested you won’t be able to taste anything anyway. Enjoy with Tamiflu and television, to maintain contact with the outside world.