Shit Yourself Skinny!!!

Dear Reader,

Now that warmer weather is upon us I have realized a startling fact – I forgot to get skinny in time to wear skinny clothing! No matter, there are endless diets to be dieted. I can always just stop eating all together. This diet is called the “Master Cleanse” and enables you to shed upwards of 15 pounds in two weeks. Of course, these pounds will come directly from my brain, as that is always the first to go.

I was thinking of a story a friend told me about an unfortunate incident she had after eating a bag of dried apricots in a park, far from the nearest lavatory, when I had what I think is a stroke of genius. It is my “Shit Yourself Skinny” (patent pending) diet and is sure to help all of us shed those unwanted pounds in no time. The best thing is that you can actually see and feel the extra pounds coming out of you!

Enjoy!

Shit Yourself Skinny
Daily Menu

Breakfast
1 cup prunes, ½ cup All-Bran extra fiber
½ cup soy milk (vanilla is okay)
¼ cup flax seeds
2 cups coffee

Snack
1 pint cherries
½ cup almonds

Lunch
2 slices whole wheat bread
1 medium watermelon, cut into chunks
½ cup flax seed oil, drizzled over watermelon
2 cups coffee

Snack
1 pound bag dried apricots

Dinner
½ cabbage, steamed
2 cups broccoli, steamed
1 cup turnip greens, shredded and drizzled with ¼ cup olive oil and squeeze of lemon
2 hard-boiled eggs
4 Tbs. flax seed oil

You will also need:

Extra underpants in case of accidents or leakage
Super soft toilet paper for overworked sphincters
Reading material
A camera if you like to document your poops
Lysol