Unexpected Financial Windfall Watermelon Wahoo!

Dear Reader,

Sometimes you win the lottery.  Sometimes you are walking through an empty parking lot and find two hundred and forty dollars in twenties just lying on the ground. I once won one hundred dollars in a scratch off game. And sometimes you are at Staples, shopping for a new electric pencil sharpener, when out of the blue Mr. Moneybags Deeppockets calls from Twentieth Century Fox in Hollywoodland, USA, to tell you they want to option your book, Eat Your Feelings: Recipes for Self-Loathing, to make a T.V. show. Trust me, it happens. It did happen! Wahoo! This news deserves a drink, don't you think? And not my usual tall glass of vodka with a straw. For this, I'm whizzing up a delicious celebratory cocktail, and I hope you'll have one with me. Cheers!

Unexpected Financial Windfall Watermelon Wahoo!

You will need:
Frozen watermelon chunks
Limeaid
Mint
Vodka
Ice

Fill a blender with frozen watermelon.  Add equal parts vodka and Limeaid - or more of one or the other depending on taste, tolerance and alcoholism.  Toss in a sprig of mint, a few ice cubes and whiz. Pour into a glass, top with a an additional sprig of mint for added panache. Slurp. If you feel like dancing, go right ahead, nobody's watching.

Drunken Grandma Cranberry Sauce

Dear Reader,

It's that time of year again!  If your family is anything like mine, the holidays mean many things- coming together, family and that Grandma is hitting the sauce pretty hard.  This year, hit her back - not literally  - a broken hip is expensive!  But with a little sauce of the cranberry variety.

Drunken Grandma Cranberry Sauce

You will need:

1 bag fresh cranberries

3/4 cup sugar

1/4 cup brown sugar

Vodka

Cointreau

Orange peel

Robert Goulet records

First, figure out where she has hidden the vodka.  Check the garage, the bathroom and her socks.  If you can't find it, try to remove Cosmo from Grandma's hand.  Be careful because the arthritis has made her fist into a pretty tight claw, and those fingers are brittle!  If it is not possible to remove tumbler, lure her over to the stove by asking to hear her stories about how much fun they had during the war.  When she is not expecting it, knock into her so the Cosmo in her glass tips into a measuring cup.

Grandma's yelling is going to frighten the children, so tell them Grandma just heard that some of them have been naughty, and she's going to get them if they don't sit quietly and wait for dinner.

In a sauce pot, heat cranberries with a half cup of water and the sugar.  Bring to a boil like Grandma's temper.  Play some Robert Goulet records and offer to dance with her to calm her down.  To get her out of your hair, spin her around really quickly so that she needs to go lie on the couch.  Lower the heat and simmer for 15 minutes while she "closes her eyes."

Pour sauce into a mixing bowl to cool.  Conspire with other family members while Grandma is sleeping.  A fun game is to switch names!  And calling Grandma "Jack" is sure to lead to hours of confusing fun after dinner!

When sauce is cool, stir in Grandma's Cosmo and garnish with orange peel.  To keep children from eating this sauce, stick a Brussels Sprout on top.  Enjoy with turkey, stuffing or a beer chaser.

Pizza for the Worst Day of the Year

Dear Reader,

Oh the sadness that overwhelms me on this day! I am full of melancholy and malaise. It is as though a dark curtain has descended upon the nation and there is no sunshine in sight. I’m not talking about the death of Michael Jackson, nor poor overshadowed Farrah and Ed McWhatshisname. I’m talking about the actual worst day of the year. Yes, today is the last day of school.

Of course my children are overjoyed that summer vacation is beginning. I’m sure there exist parents that are also thrilled, but my guess is that their kids go to sleep away camp. Mine will be here. Every day. For seventy six days.

And so, I offer you today a super delicious pizza just for grown ups to enjoy on their last day of freedom. Enjoy.

Pizza for the Worst Day of the Year

You will need:

Wine
Pizza Dough
Taleggio cheese – a lot
2 cups sliced mushrooms
Butter
Brandy
White Truffle Oil
Grated Parmesan cheese – one handful
Activities

Drop kids off at school with huge bags to fill with stuff that you will throw away later when they are not looking. Once home, pour yourself a glass of wine to relax yourself for the endless bickering that will begin come 3:00 and end at 8 AM September 8th. Heat a skillet over medium high heat. About the temperature it is inside their classrooms right now. Toss in the mushrooms. When they are soft, pour in a swig or two of brandy. Don’t drink the brandy, as you still have to pick the kids up later and you don’t want to smell too strongly of booze! Not again! Cook mushrooms until all liquid is absorbed and set aside.

Turn the oven all the way up to as hot as it is going to be in August when your air conditioner breaks. Stretch pizza dough and place on an oiled cookie sheet or pizza pan. Brush the entire top of pizza with white truffle oil and top with globs of Taleggio. Sprinkle on the mushrooms and Parmesan cheese. Dab a little white truffle oil behind your ears because it just smells so damn good.

Cook on lowest oven rack until crust is crisp and cheese melted. Enjoy, listening to the beautiful sound of a quiet house, and coming up with eighty or so activities that will occupy your kids until tomorrow afternoon.