Sunday, January 16, 2011

Bloody Marys For Hurling Insults At Celebrities On Television

Dear Reader,

The Golden Globes are tonight which always make me want Bloody Marys.  Many years ago, before we had children, my husband and I arrived in Los Angeles the night of the Golden Globes.  We were staying in a bungalow at the Sunset Marquis, next door to Jennifer Lopez.  We sat in the room all night, ordering Bloody Marys from room service.  The poor waiter was making so many trips that eventually I just ordered six at a time.  Like I said, this was a long time ago.  Nowadays, I have to make the damn things myself.

Bloody Marys For Hurling Insults At Celebrities on Television

You will need:

A television
20 oz. tomato juice
1 clove garlic
6 + oz. Absolut Peppar vodka
Splash Worcestershire sauce
Celery Salt
1 lemon, halved
Pickled green beans
1 chile pepper
Smug and false sense of superiority

Rub garlic around the container you are making the Bloody Marys in.  Pour in tomato juice, Worcestershire Sauce, and celery salt.  Squeeze in the juice of one lemon.  Chop chile pepper and toss that in, too.  Pour in vodka, tasting to make sure that you achieve the perfect balance between booze and cocktail mix, which should make the drink just barely potable without needing a chaser.  Pour over ice and plunk in some pickled green beans.  Drink five or six while making disparaging remarks about Angelina Jolie.  Honestly, watching an entire Angelina Jolie movie is like listening to the Van Morrison song Moondance all the way through.  You already know how it's going to turn out.  Let's get rid of her already.  And while we're at it... toss out Cameron Diaz as well.  Can't we collectively decide we are done with her already?  And don't get me started on Drew Barrymore.  Puh-lease!  Oh hi Geoffrey Rush, you creepy old slob who looks like you'd keep me in a basement dungeon.  Cheers.

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