Bloody Marys For Hurling Insults At Celebrities On Television

Dear Reader,

The Golden Globes are tonight which always make me want Bloody Marys.  Many years ago, before we had children, my husband and I arrived in Los Angeles the night of the Golden Globes.  We were staying in a bungalow at the Sunset Marquis, next door to Jennifer Lopez.  We sat in the room all night, ordering Bloody Marys from room service.  The poor waiter was making so many trips that eventually I just ordered six at a time.  Like I said, this was a long time ago.  Nowadays, I have to make the damn things myself.

Bloody Marys For Hurling Insults At Celebrities on Television

You will need:

A television
20 oz. tomato juice
1 clove garlic
6 + oz. Absolut Peppar vodka
Splash Worcestershire sauce
Celery Salt
1 lemon, halved
Ice
Pickled green beans
1 chile pepper
Smug and false sense of superiority

Rub garlic around the container you are making the Bloody Marys in.  Pour in tomato juice, Worcestershire Sauce, and celery salt.  Squeeze in the juice of one lemon.  Chop chile pepper and toss that in, too.  Pour in vodka, tasting to make sure that you achieve the perfect balance between booze and cocktail mix, which should make the drink just barely potable without needing a chaser.  Pour over ice and plunk in some pickled green beans.  Drink five or six while making disparaging remarks about Angelina Jolie.  Honestly, watching an entire Angelina Jolie movie is like listening to the Van Morrison song Moondance all the way through.  You already know how it's going to turn out.  Let's get rid of her already.  And while we're at it... toss out Cameron Diaz as well.  Can't we collectively decide we are done with her already?  And don't get me started on Drew Barrymore.  Puh-lease!  Oh hi Geoffrey Rush, you creepy old slob who looks like you'd keep me in a basement dungeon.  Cheers.

Eclipse is only 21 days away...

In honor of the upcoming release of Eclipse, I wanted to share with you the latest results from my favorite time waster, seeing what I look like with other people's hair, which is what I did while watching The Today Show this morning.

Hello Bella, I love your hoodie. Do you like my fitted sport coat?

I don't know, Edward.  I just want you inside me. This is torture. Don't make me wait for the next movie.  It's too long!

Don't even think about it, bloodsuker. 

Who let the dogs out?

If you even imagine making her one of you, I will eat you alive.  Right after I tie my pants to my leg with a little strap. Aarrrrrrrrrf.

Would you guys cut it out already? I'm going home to stare out my window and listen to Muse.

Hi there guyth! I'm Drew. I'll hang out with you while the's gone. Letth party!

It is a pleasure to meet you, Drew.  However, you don't smell very good to me.

She smells pretty good to me. Perhaps she would like to accompany me on a peace keeping mission to Africa. I would only require that she takes my six children out for fast food and ice cream three times per day, and to alert the media when I am going to be with my children, so they can take photos.

OMG Africa? Like, I totally love everybody, but I'm not sure I want to go to Africa! Will they appreciate my new 1950'th look? I'm like a bombthell!

I was alive in the 1950's and you, ma'am, are not 1950s.

Can we just keep focused on me? God!

Sorry, Bella.

Yes, I'm so very sorry.

Whatever. Where's Renesmee?

Who?

Renesmee. Our daughter.

That's not until the next book.  I read them on the plane to Somalia.

Wait. We have a daughter and you name her... Renesmee?

Yeah. So what?

Seriously?  And I'm cool with that?

Yeah. Whatever Edward. I don't have time for this.

Renethmee ith like a really lame-o name!

I agree with Drew.  I'm sorry Bella. I'm just not that into you anymore.

Renesmee sounds HOT.