Dear Reader,
I had to share this video because it fills my heart with joy, and also makes me a little teary for some reason. But what's more, and so unexpected, it makes me hunger for sesame chicken. Does it do the same for you?
Friday, December 10, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Lady Gaga Go Go Rugelach
Dear Reader,
It's Hanukkah! That special time of year when we get presents for not one, not two, but EIGHT days in a row! Someone totally awesome thought of this holiday. To top it all off, Hanukkah is an excuse to pig out for not one, not two, but EIGHT days in a row! Excellent. What do celebrities do to celebrate this celebration? I have no idea, but here is some rugelach. Happy Hanukkah!
You will need:
2 1/2 cups flour
2 sticks cold, unsalted butter, cut into cubes
2 8 oz. packages cream cheese
3/4 tsp. cinnamon
9 Tbs. raspberry preserves
1 cup shelled, unsalted pistachios, chopped
Okay you little monster, throw the flour and butter into the food processor and give it the finger. Then pulse until the mixture looks like little beads that you might sew on your underpants. Take one package of cream cheese and smear it all over your face. Add false eyelashes. Add second package cream cheese to processor and whiz until a dough forms. Divide into three parts, and chill in the fridge while you call Alejandro. When he sends your call straight to voicemail, throw cell phone against the wall and scream silently like Mother Courage for five or six minutes.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Squeeze half a stick of butter in your hands and smear it all over a cookie sheet and then in your wig. Take a kitchen towel, throw sugar on it, and roll one third of dough into a big circle. Spread preserves on top, then sprinkle on the pistachios and some cinnamon and sugar. Use a pizza cutter to cut the circle into sixteen wedges. Roll up each wedge like a big goof butt and put on the cookie sheet. Bake for 15 minutes, or as long as it takes you to take a shower, wash your face, put on some sweatpants, and think about doing something for that yeast infection you can't get rid of from wearing leotards 24 hours a day.
It's Hanukkah! That special time of year when we get presents for not one, not two, but EIGHT days in a row! Someone totally awesome thought of this holiday. To top it all off, Hanukkah is an excuse to pig out for not one, not two, but EIGHT days in a row! Excellent. What do celebrities do to celebrate this celebration? I have no idea, but here is some rugelach. Happy Hanukkah!
Lady Gaga Go Go Rugelach
2 1/2 cups flour
2 sticks cold, unsalted butter, cut into cubes
2 8 oz. packages cream cheese
3/4 tsp. cinnamon
9 Tbs. raspberry preserves
1 cup shelled, unsalted pistachios, chopped
Okay you little monster, throw the flour and butter into the food processor and give it the finger. Then pulse until the mixture looks like little beads that you might sew on your underpants. Take one package of cream cheese and smear it all over your face. Add false eyelashes. Add second package cream cheese to processor and whiz until a dough forms. Divide into three parts, and chill in the fridge while you call Alejandro. When he sends your call straight to voicemail, throw cell phone against the wall and scream silently like Mother Courage for five or six minutes.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Squeeze half a stick of butter in your hands and smear it all over a cookie sheet and then in your wig. Take a kitchen towel, throw sugar on it, and roll one third of dough into a big circle. Spread preserves on top, then sprinkle on the pistachios and some cinnamon and sugar. Use a pizza cutter to cut the circle into sixteen wedges. Roll up each wedge like a big goof butt and put on the cookie sheet. Bake for 15 minutes, or as long as it takes you to take a shower, wash your face, put on some sweatpants, and think about doing something for that yeast infection you can't get rid of from wearing leotards 24 hours a day.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Kim Kardashian's Big Booty Bolognese
Dear Reader,
I have not been very good at keeping up with the Kardashians. However, I am aware that Kim, the doyenne of that domicile, has decided to go completely silent on Twitter (No no no! Tell me this isn't true!) in order to raise money or something for kids or something. I offer Kim, and you, something to fill the time. Enjoy.
You will need:
Butter
Olive oil
Bacon
1 lb. ground beef
1 onion, chopped
1 carrot, grated
1 book, opened
1 stick celery, chopped
White wine
1 cup milk
1 large can whole plum tomatoes
Sofa
Melt butter in a large pan with olive oil, and add beef to brown. Toss in chopped bacon. If you don't have any bacon, call Khloe, she has some. Bible. Sizzle it up till it's smokin' hot like your booty. Add onion, carrot, and celery. While that cooks, think of ways to fill your time now that you aren't on Twitter anymore. How about Facebooking? Or here's a riddle - what did people do before there was twitter and stuff like that? Read books! Read a book, Kim. I have a suggestion - Flaubert. It sorta sounds like flatulence or something that comes from your booty anyway, like, "OMG Kourtney, did you see the size of that flaubert I just dropped in the toilet? Jeez!" Read the book. Tear the white wine out of your mother's clenched fist, and pour some into the pot, about a cupful. When that has simmered away, pour in the milk and let it simmer as well. Now is the time to flip the cushions on the sofa, so that each one gets the same amount of wear and tear from your booty. When the milk has been absorbed, add in the tomatoes in their juice. Break the tomatoes up with your hands. Do not use your butt cheeks to break up the tomatoes, even though they are stronger than your hands. Fecal matter will contaminate the sauce. Let sauce simmer for one hour and serve over spaghetti.
I have not been very good at keeping up with the Kardashians. However, I am aware that Kim, the doyenne of that domicile, has decided to go completely silent on Twitter (No no no! Tell me this isn't true!) in order to raise money or something for kids or something. I offer Kim, and you, something to fill the time. Enjoy.
Kim Kardashian's Big Booty Bolognese
Butter
Olive oil
Bacon
1 lb. ground beef
1 onion, chopped
1 carrot, grated
1 book, opened
1 stick celery, chopped
White wine
1 cup milk
1 large can whole plum tomatoes
Sofa
Melt butter in a large pan with olive oil, and add beef to brown. Toss in chopped bacon. If you don't have any bacon, call Khloe, she has some. Bible. Sizzle it up till it's smokin' hot like your booty. Add onion, carrot, and celery. While that cooks, think of ways to fill your time now that you aren't on Twitter anymore. How about Facebooking? Or here's a riddle - what did people do before there was twitter and stuff like that? Read books! Read a book, Kim. I have a suggestion - Flaubert. It sorta sounds like flatulence or something that comes from your booty anyway, like, "OMG Kourtney, did you see the size of that flaubert I just dropped in the toilet? Jeez!" Read the book. Tear the white wine out of your mother's clenched fist, and pour some into the pot, about a cupful. When that has simmered away, pour in the milk and let it simmer as well. Now is the time to flip the cushions on the sofa, so that each one gets the same amount of wear and tear from your booty. When the milk has been absorbed, add in the tomatoes in their juice. Break the tomatoes up with your hands. Do not use your butt cheeks to break up the tomatoes, even though they are stronger than your hands. Fecal matter will contaminate the sauce. Let sauce simmer for one hour and serve over spaghetti.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Seeing The Light At Last
Dear Reader,
Today, I am feeling, for the first time in well over ten days, pretty much human. And, due to the lack of food I have been able to eat, and the millions of calories burned by excessive coughing and sweating, I was able to forage in my closet for some things I have been unable to wear for the past months. Like a nice pair of boots. A few weeks ago, these boots were so tight, that my calf sausaged out over the top. That is disgusting. A muffin top can be easily explained away by contemporary denim fashions not conforming to a realistic idea of women's bodies, whereas a muffin top on your boots can only be explained by muffins.
I am going to enjoy this day or two I have in sudden slender form, as I know it will all come back with one glance at the leftover birthday cake in the fridge. For motivation to keep it off I look here:
She may be smiling now, but she's going to require more than those itty bitty shorts to guard against the rash from her thighs chafing together. Especially after she gets out of the hot tub with Moto Moto.
And now something to put you in the holiday spirt, if you're not there already. Enjoy.
Today, I am feeling, for the first time in well over ten days, pretty much human. And, due to the lack of food I have been able to eat, and the millions of calories burned by excessive coughing and sweating, I was able to forage in my closet for some things I have been unable to wear for the past months. Like a nice pair of boots. A few weeks ago, these boots were so tight, that my calf sausaged out over the top. That is disgusting. A muffin top can be easily explained away by contemporary denim fashions not conforming to a realistic idea of women's bodies, whereas a muffin top on your boots can only be explained by muffins.
I am going to enjoy this day or two I have in sudden slender form, as I know it will all come back with one glance at the leftover birthday cake in the fridge. For motivation to keep it off I look here:
She may be smiling now, but she's going to require more than those itty bitty shorts to guard against the rash from her thighs chafing together. Especially after she gets out of the hot tub with Moto Moto.
And now something to put you in the holiday spirt, if you're not there already. Enjoy.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
It's my birthday (cough, sputter, hack, wheeze)
It is official. I have pneumonia. I haven't gotten out of bed for four days. And it is my birthday. Bwaaaaaah! Feeling very sorry for myself, of course, and can't eat anything, as am totally nauseous. But to every dark cloud there is a silver lining! Not only am I losing the pounds that I meant to lose before my birthday, the fine people at Penguin/ Plume sent me an advance copy of the paperback of my book. On sale January 4th! Just in time to return all that stuff you didn't want for Christmas, and get the gift you really want - my book!
My book will fill you with the love that your friends and family are too selfish to provide. My book will nurture you with delicious, creamy, salty, and sweet treats, as well as decadent pastas and super-crispy fried chicken. My book will sustain you with the easiest ever recipe for Mom's Old Fashioned Chicken Noodle Soup for Closet Cases! In fact, I am going to ask my husband to make some for me right now - wait! I don't mean... You know... Just the recipe is real easy and delicious. He's not a closet case. Totally not. Okay, stopping now.
My book will fill you with the love that your friends and family are too selfish to provide. My book will nurture you with delicious, creamy, salty, and sweet treats, as well as decadent pastas and super-crispy fried chicken. My book will sustain you with the easiest ever recipe for Mom's Old Fashioned Chicken Noodle Soup for Closet Cases! In fact, I am going to ask my husband to make some for me right now - wait! I don't mean... You know... Just the recipe is real easy and delicious. He's not a closet case. Totally not. Okay, stopping now.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Things For Which I Am Thankful
Dear Reader,
I am thankful for a lot of things. A lot. Like my children and my husband, and my family and my friends. But also I am thankful for cocktails. If you are still trying to figure out what to serve with your turkey, here is a delicious concoction that will go perfectly with not only said fowl, but all those side dishes as well. I heard about the Stone Fence on the Rachel Maddow show after she was served one at a White House cocktail party. It turns out that this was the favorite drink of Thomas Jefferson, so what could be more perfect on this most American of days? Cheers.
Stone Fence
Apple Jack, Brandy, or Bourbon
Apple Cider
Dash Bitters
Sprig of mint
Add each to a glass in proportions according to your taste for booze. Plop in a couple of ice cubes. Drink.
I must also give a shout out of thanks to the University of Kansas Hospital and the Richard and Annette Block Cancer Care Pavilion for taking such great care of my mother. Much appreciation sent to Kansas. Happy Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for a lot of things. A lot. Like my children and my husband, and my family and my friends. But also I am thankful for cocktails. If you are still trying to figure out what to serve with your turkey, here is a delicious concoction that will go perfectly with not only said fowl, but all those side dishes as well. I heard about the Stone Fence on the Rachel Maddow show after she was served one at a White House cocktail party. It turns out that this was the favorite drink of Thomas Jefferson, so what could be more perfect on this most American of days? Cheers.
Stone Fence
Apple Jack, Brandy, or Bourbon
Apple Cider
Dash Bitters
Sprig of mint
Add each to a glass in proportions according to your taste for booze. Plop in a couple of ice cubes. Drink.
I must also give a shout out of thanks to the University of Kansas Hospital and the Richard and Annette Block Cancer Care Pavilion for taking such great care of my mother. Much appreciation sent to Kansas. Happy Thanksgiving.
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