Kim Kardashian's Big Booty Bolognese

Dear Reader,

I have not been very good at keeping up with the Kardashians.  However, I am aware that Kim, the doyenne of that domicile, has decided to go completely silent on Twitter (No no no!  Tell me this isn't true!) in order to raise money or something for kids or something.  I offer Kim, and you, something to fill the time.  Enjoy.

Kim Kardashian's Big Booty Bolognese

You will need:

Butter
Olive oil
Bacon
1 lb. ground beef
1 onion, chopped
1 carrot, grated
1 book, opened
1 stick celery, chopped
White wine
1 cup milk
1 large can whole plum tomatoes
Sofa

Melt butter in a large pan with olive oil, and add beef to brown. Toss in chopped bacon.  If you don't have any bacon, call Khloe, she has some.  Bible.  Sizzle it up till it's smokin' hot like your booty.  Add onion, carrot, and celery.  While that cooks, think of ways to fill your time now that you aren't on Twitter anymore.  How about Facebooking?  Or here's a riddle - what did people do before there was twitter and stuff like that?  Read books!  Read a book, Kim.  I have a suggestion - Flaubert.  It sorta sounds like flatulence or something that comes from your booty anyway, like, "OMG Kourtney, did you see the size of that flaubert I just dropped in the toilet?  Jeez!"  Read the book.  Tear the white wine out of your mother's clenched fist, and pour some into the pot, about a cupful.  When that has simmered away, pour in the milk and let it simmer as well.  Now is the time to flip the cushions on the sofa, so that each one gets the same amount of wear and tear from your booty.  When the milk has been absorbed, add in the tomatoes in their juice.  Break the tomatoes up with your hands.  Do not use your butt cheeks to break up the tomatoes, even though they are stronger than your hands.  Fecal matter will contaminate the sauce.  Let sauce simmer for one hour and serve over spaghetti.