Lady Gaga Go Go Rugelach

Dear Reader,

It's Hanukkah!  That special time of year when we get presents for not one, not two, but EIGHT days in a row!  Someone totally awesome thought of this holiday.  To top it all off, Hanukkah is an excuse to pig out for not one, not two, but EIGHT days in a row!  Excellent.  What do celebrities do to celebrate this celebration?  I have no idea, but here is some rugelach.  Happy Hanukkah!

Lady Gaga Go Go Rugelach

You will need:

2 1/2 cups flour
2 sticks cold, unsalted butter, cut into cubes
2 8 oz. packages cream cheese
3/4 tsp. cinnamon
9 Tbs. raspberry preserves
1 cup shelled, unsalted pistachios, chopped

Okay you little monster, throw the flour and butter into the food processor and give it the finger.  Then pulse until the mixture looks like little beads that you might sew on your underpants.  Take one package of cream cheese and smear it all over your face.  Add false eyelashes.  Add second package cream cheese to processor and whiz until a dough forms.  Divide into three parts, and chill in the fridge while you call Alejandro.  When he sends your call straight to voicemail, throw cell phone against the wall and scream silently like Mother Courage for five or six minutes.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Squeeze half a stick of butter in your hands and smear it all over a cookie sheet and then in your wig.  Take a kitchen towel, throw sugar on it, and roll one third of dough into a big circle.  Spread preserves on top, then sprinkle on the pistachios and some cinnamon and sugar.  Use a pizza cutter to cut the circle into sixteen wedges.  Roll up each wedge like a big goof butt and put on the cookie sheet.  Bake for 15 minutes, or as long as it takes you to take a shower, wash your face, put on some sweatpants, and think about doing something for that yeast infection you can't get rid of from wearing leotards 24 hours a day.

Tuna Noodle Kwanzaa Challah Baby Jesus Bake

Dear Reader,

Let's face it, the best part of the holiday season is the receiving of gifts.  Other than that it is expensive, fattening and exhausting.  Everyone knows that a good way to assure yourself lots of gifts is to host a holiday party.  It stands to reason that the more people you invite, the more gifts you will receive.  So make your holiday party as inclusive as possible.  This delicious meal is sure to become a new tradition in your home and will allow you to include absolutely everyone in the occasion!

Enjoy!

Tuna Noodle Kwanzaa Challah Baby Jesus Bake

You will need:

2 cans tuna
1/2 box elbow noodles
1 sweet potato, diced
4 1/2 Tbs. butter
3 Tbs. flour
1/4 cup sherry
1/4 cup cream
1 1/2 cups milk
5 slices day-old challah
Kwanzaa candles
Tiny baby Jesus
Dreidels

Some time in December gather all your friends round for a holiday party!  If they ask what they can bring a safe bet is to request booze or candles.  Make sure to have a Christmas tree, a Menorah and a Kwanzaa bush.  To be cost efficient and eco-friendly, just get a small fir tree that can serve as both O Tannenbaum and the bush.  Quick note: Avoid singing carols in German!  Place Menorah on top of tree.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.  Drain tuna from cans.  Cook noodles according to package directions.  Blanch sweet potatoes in boiling, salted water, then drain and combine with cooked noodles.  Tell holiday stories about freedom from tyranny and oppression and the joy of kindness!  In a saucepan, melt butter and add flour to make a roux.  Pour in sherry, cream and milk, stirring until the mixture has thickened.

Put challah in food processor and pulse to make breadcrumbs.  Toast them in a pan with a little butter.  Mix all ingredients together, calling friends around to witness in the form of tuna,  the symbolic coming together we all do during the holidays, and pour everyone a drink.  Tell Kwanzaa celebrants that they are the sweet potatoes.  Tell your Jewish friends that they are the Challah, sprinkled over the top.  And for your Christian friends, take a little baby Jesus and hide it in the casserole.

Bake for thirty-five minutes, then top with Kwanzaa candles, decorate with Dreidels and sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.  Tell guests that whoever eats the baby Jesus wins the special prize!  A beautiful embossed set of Al Hijra* cards!

*Islamic New Year

House Arrest Hanukkah

Dear Reader,

This time of year is difficult for people that are alone.  Never mind the fact that I often wish during the holidays that I were alone, for some, it is quite painful.  In particular for Josh who wrote me this letter:

Dear Heather,


This past year really stunk for me.  At this time in '08 I was making s**tloads of cash, and now I'm totally unemployed for pretty much the rest of my life and all because my former assistant was a total stoolie!  And now my MBA from Wharton is useless!  Nobody is coming over this Hanukkah, and it really sucks to be me.  Can you help?  And it has to be on the cheap.

-Josh

Of course I can help you, Josh, and maybe earn you some good behavior points to boot.  Happy Hannukkah!

House Arrest Hanukkah

You will need:

4 large russet potatoes, peeled and grated
1 large onion, grated
4 eggs
Netflix
Two handfuls herbs
1 Tbs. salt
1/2 tsp. pepper
Oil
Aquaphor Lotion

Invite over the last remaining friend you have, your probation officer, to help celebrate.  If he balks, tell him the Ghostbusters box set just arrived via Netflix.

Rub Aquaphor Lotion under your ankle monitor to relieve chaffing.  Soak potatoes in water the way you soaked all the clients at your former hedge fund.  Drain and mix with grated onion.  If the onion should make you cry, leverage your tears and cry over your lost wealth at the same time.  Press between two paper towels to wring out any moisture left in them, then blow your nose.

Tie a rope around your waist (not your neck!), anchor it to the bed and reach out the window to the herb garden.  Grab a handful of chives and a handful of parsley.  Hoist yourself back in.  If you get stuck, don't ask for help!  You're not supposed to be out here!  Crack the eggs into a bowl and combine with chopped herbs and potato mix.  Season with salt and pepper.  Note that your hair now contains far more salt than pepper due to lack of access to Frederic Fekkai.

Heat oil in a non-stick skillet and pour some over ankle - that chaffing!  Drop heaping spoonfuls of the mix into the pan.  Smoosh it down with a spatula the way your face would be smooshed down into your pillow every night had you gone to prison like you deserved.  Turn over and fry other side until golden brown the way you would be turned over in the prison shower.  Repeat with remaining mix.  Eat with sour cream.  Give thanks for Ghostbusters.