Lady Gaga Go Go Rugelach

Dear Reader,

It's Hanukkah!  That special time of year when we get presents for not one, not two, but EIGHT days in a row!  Someone totally awesome thought of this holiday.  To top it all off, Hanukkah is an excuse to pig out for not one, not two, but EIGHT days in a row!  Excellent.  What do celebrities do to celebrate this celebration?  I have no idea, but here is some rugelach.  Happy Hanukkah!

Lady Gaga Go Go Rugelach

You will need:

2 1/2 cups flour
2 sticks cold, unsalted butter, cut into cubes
2 8 oz. packages cream cheese
3/4 tsp. cinnamon
9 Tbs. raspberry preserves
1 cup shelled, unsalted pistachios, chopped

Okay you little monster, throw the flour and butter into the food processor and give it the finger.  Then pulse until the mixture looks like little beads that you might sew on your underpants.  Take one package of cream cheese and smear it all over your face.  Add false eyelashes.  Add second package cream cheese to processor and whiz until a dough forms.  Divide into three parts, and chill in the fridge while you call Alejandro.  When he sends your call straight to voicemail, throw cell phone against the wall and scream silently like Mother Courage for five or six minutes.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Squeeze half a stick of butter in your hands and smear it all over a cookie sheet and then in your wig.  Take a kitchen towel, throw sugar on it, and roll one third of dough into a big circle.  Spread preserves on top, then sprinkle on the pistachios and some cinnamon and sugar.  Use a pizza cutter to cut the circle into sixteen wedges.  Roll up each wedge like a big goof butt and put on the cookie sheet.  Bake for 15 minutes, or as long as it takes you to take a shower, wash your face, put on some sweatpants, and think about doing something for that yeast infection you can't get rid of from wearing leotards 24 hours a day.