Mind Blowing Eggs for Smarty Pants Teenagers

Dear Reader,

Last week as I was polishing off the last of the chocolate eggs, I was wondering aloud why the Easter holiday even features eggs. It's really kind of creepy when you think about a giant rabbit sneaking around and hiding eggs all over your house. I mean, if a person were doing that, they'd likely get shot. Well lucky me, I have a smarty pants in the family, in the person of one teenage son, who told me that eggs are featured in Easter celebrations because the holiday is derivative of pagan fertility rituals, and eggs are, duh, all about fertility. Then he went on to tell me about gender fluidity, and that our universe began as a singularity and is expanding in all directions at the same time, and therefore has no center. I tried really hard, but I can't get my mind around that, and did you guys even know about gender fluidity? I needed a drink.

All of a sudden it was time to make dinner, and I wasn't in the mood to go to the grocery store to buy food stuffs for cookery, because like I said, I had been drinking. I opened my cupboards and did a quick inventory, and found the perfect solution in the form of the almighty egg.  I present to you, the ultimate food for any meal. Seriously - breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, late night snack, second dinner, it's perfect

Enjoy.

Mind Blowing Eggs for Smarty Pants Teenagers

You will need:
Olive oil
Onion, chopped fine
Garlic, minced
Paprika
White wine
1 can crushed tomatoes
Eggs
Cheeses
Chives
Baguette

First up, preheat the oven to 425. Pour some olive oil into a sauce pan, and when it gets glossy, add in the onion. Saute for five minutes or so, then add the garlic. Give it a stir, then add a half teaspoon of paprika. If you like, you can also add a pinch of crushed red pepper. I skipped this because I was making this for my family, and if I make something that is at all spicy, I have to sit across the table from people who are gasping, clutching their throats, gulping down water, and sometimes trying to wipe off their tongues with a napkin. So I left it out. If you like it, toss it in. Next up, mommy's little helper, aka white wine. Pour in a glug and stir everything around. My buzz was starting to wear off, so I also poured a few glugs into a glass for my enjoyment. Then I added the tomatoes and some salt and pepper. I let it simmer for about twenty minutes, you can let it simmer for longer, but I was hungry.

I greased the inside of my ramekins with a little butter, then ladled in some of the tomato sauce. Then I cracked an egg into a small bowl and tipped it into the ramekin. NOTE: I did not simply crack the egg into the ramekin itself, as this might result in shells in the dish, and subsequent micro-inspection of food by fellow diners, nor did I hide the whole egg under the sauce, as that would be disgusting. Once the egg is inside, sprinkle on some salt and pepper.

I placed my ramekins on a baking sheet and also threw on some sliced baguette that I had brushed with olive oil. I kept a close eye on the whole affair once it went into the oven, so I could remove the baguette once nicely toasted. When the egg whites were almost set, I sprinkled grated cheeses over the ramekins. One of us wanted Cheddar, two wanted Parmesan, one wanted Gruyere. No problem for me, as I had all three. If you have to choose, I'd go for the Parmesan. Back into the oven until the whites were set, the cheese melted, and the yolks still runny. Snip, snip, snip, went the chives on top, and are you freaking kidding me?!? This was so delicious I made it again two nights later, and nobody even complained. In fact, they were delighted. Mind blown.

Kim Kardashian's Big Booty Bolognese

Dear Reader,

I have not been very good at keeping up with the Kardashians.  However, I am aware that Kim, the doyenne of that domicile, has decided to go completely silent on Twitter (No no no!  Tell me this isn't true!) in order to raise money or something for kids or something.  I offer Kim, and you, something to fill the time.  Enjoy.

Kim Kardashian's Big Booty Bolognese

You will need:

Butter
Olive oil
Bacon
1 lb. ground beef
1 onion, chopped
1 carrot, grated
1 book, opened
1 stick celery, chopped
White wine
1 cup milk
1 large can whole plum tomatoes
Sofa

Melt butter in a large pan with olive oil, and add beef to brown. Toss in chopped bacon.  If you don't have any bacon, call Khloe, she has some.  Bible.  Sizzle it up till it's smokin' hot like your booty.  Add onion, carrot, and celery.  While that cooks, think of ways to fill your time now that you aren't on Twitter anymore.  How about Facebooking?  Or here's a riddle - what did people do before there was twitter and stuff like that?  Read books!  Read a book, Kim.  I have a suggestion - Flaubert.  It sorta sounds like flatulence or something that comes from your booty anyway, like, "OMG Kourtney, did you see the size of that flaubert I just dropped in the toilet?  Jeez!"  Read the book.  Tear the white wine out of your mother's clenched fist, and pour some into the pot, about a cupful.  When that has simmered away, pour in the milk and let it simmer as well.  Now is the time to flip the cushions on the sofa, so that each one gets the same amount of wear and tear from your booty.  When the milk has been absorbed, add in the tomatoes in their juice.  Break the tomatoes up with your hands.  Do not use your butt cheeks to break up the tomatoes, even though they are stronger than your hands.  Fecal matter will contaminate the sauce.  Let sauce simmer for one hour and serve over spaghetti.

Sophisticated Cranberry Sauce For When You Are Intimidated By Your Guests

Dear Reader,

Thanksgiving can be fraught will all manner of insecurities, particularly if you are entertaining guests who scare the shit out of you.  Maybe you married for money and your new wealthy relatives are coming over, or your new boyfriend has much cooler friends than you are accustomed to, or you somehow managed to find a boyfriend or girlfriend at all, after many years of Hungry Man Turkey Dinners for one.  Whatever the case, you can NOT serve a gloppy can of cranberry sauce to these people.  I can help.

Sophisticated Cranberry Sauce For When You Are Intimidated By Your Guests

You will need:

Balsamic vinegar

Garlic

Dried cherries

Dried cranberries

Ella Fitzgerald CD

Artisanal Small Batch Wine

With the turkey in the oven, pour a quantity of vinegar into a sauce pan.  Add two cloves of whole, peeled garlic.  Put on Ella Fizgerald CD, as though some people might not love Ella Fitzgerald, nobody can argue that she is not worth listening to, and the choice of this sort of music says that you are familiar with music outside of the Nickleback and Rascal Flatts which take up most of the space on your iPod, and that you can appreciate arty things.  Toss in a handful of dried cherries and dried cranberries to the vinegar, and simmer.  Pour glass of small batch wine.  Purchasing this sort of wine eliminates the odds that you will buy a wine that is considered gauche or declasse, and if your guests have never heard of it, chances are they won't know it cost only $9.99.  Reduce the vinegar being careful not to stick your face directly over the saucepan as the fumes from the simmering vinegar will cause your throat to close up and your eyes to water.  Remove garlic.  When serving guests, the sauce may be smeared artistically beneath the turkey, dotted around the edge of the plate, or drizzled over the turkey, the choice is yours.  Just make sure you have a can of cranberry sauce on hand, because everybody likes that.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Dear Reader,

For me the best part of Thanksgiving, aside from the stuffing, is that it is socially acceptable to drink early in the day.  No matter what sort of holiday you are planning for today, from my family to yours - Cheers.

Warm regards,

Heather

Quaffs for Bad Crafters

Dear Reader,

I apologize for not providing you a recipe, but sometimes even food won't help and there is nothing to do but drink. Allow me to explain-

This week found me at my wits end, practically perched on my window ledge with a very heavy and unstable Singer Sewing Machine Quantum 2623.




When my son's teacher sent an email saying that she needed parent volunteers to sew together the pieces of a "Climate Quilt" the children made, I said, sure I can help with that! After all I made a beautiful quilt when I was pregnant with that very same son. That I was still making that quilt long after my daughter had been born, almost three years later, did not occur to me. I had imagined that other parents would help with the quilt also, so was therefore surprised when she handed me all twenty four squares.

Now a word on these squares. They were of varying fabrics, sizes and some were so loaded down with glue and felt and yarn and doo dads they were nearly an inch thick. Some of the glued on hearts and stuff were falling off. The first step was to go to a fabric store and buy some reinforcement in the form of Tacky Glue.

That done, I had my husband go down to the basement and lug up the old sewing machine. Luckily the last person to use that machine was my mother, who won the Singer Sewing Contest at the tender age of fourteen, so the thing was threaded correctly. I sewed together two of the squares in about four seconds. But then a snag. A literal snag. And the thread came out of the needle and lord only knows what was happening with the freaking bobbin and something was making a clunking noise. I called my mom, who was having friends over for dinner and not in the mood to help. Harumph.

I fiddled around with the machine for a while, and then I started to cry. I cried out of frustration, feeling like a failure, knowing that I have been shown how to work the stinking sewing machine about a hundred times and was completely useless at it, because I always volunteer to do stuff and this was exactly the kind of half-assed job I usually did. And I cried for the children of Caitlin's class, whose contribution to the global climate quilt was going to look crappy all because of me, and because it was going to take me three whole days to sew the thing by hand.

So I had a glass of wine and googled "How to thread a sewing machine." I was instantly provided with infuriating videos from smug and crafty ladies, like irritating Rebecca, and this one with totally annoying music that makes it impossible to hear what she's saying, and Natalie who just makes me feel entirely inadequate for myriad reasons. I cried some more and blamed my husband for buying me this impossible machine in the first place. What kind of sick Christmas present was this?

I had another glass of wine along with some deep breaths. I called my friend Heidi who can sew stuff in her sleep. She didn't answer. I polished off that glass of wine and poured myself another. I picked up two more squares and sewed them by hand, pricking my fingers because my vision was so obscured by tears and wine. Then Heidi called. Without even seeing what kind of sewing machine I have, she talked me through the entire threading process from start to finish. When I got it working and sewed some more stuff, I cried again and then had another glass of wine to celebrate.

And now, I actually like my sewing machine. I'm not sure when I will use it again, but thanks to Heidi, the Climate Quilt lives on!

BIG EXCITING NEWS!!!

Dear Reader,

I have big, exciting news! Not only is my book Eat Your Feelings: Recipes for Self-Loathing in stores September 17^th but you are also invited to join me for two spectacular events in NYC.

On September 24th I will be dramatically and enthusiastically reading from my book at the BARNES & NOBLE near Lincoln Center. And join me on September 30^th at 7 PM for a SUPER FUN PARTY and COOK-OFF.

POWERHOUSE ARENA in Brooklyn is hosting this extraordinary event that will feature a conversation with the author (ME) and JOHN DELUCIE the marvelous chef from THE WAVERLY INN, a celebrity packed restaurant you’ve probably never been to. Also there will be a cook-off featuring three recipes from the book. So pick one, two or all of the recipes to enter and you may win FABULOUS PRIZES! And if you play your cards right you just might sweet talk your way to a table at the Waverly to boot.

If you don’t want to put your culinary skills on display, do not fear! It’s always fun to sit in judgment of others and you can help vote for the audience award. I look forward to seeing you all there and tasting your feelings! Oh, and there will be wine for drowning your sorrows if nobody likes your food.

Powerhouse Arena

37 Main Street in DUMBO

September 30^th 7-9 PM

www.powerhousearena.com

The recipes for the cook-off are:

Foreclosure Fiesta

You Will Need:

Spare change

6 avocadoes

1 lime

1 clove garlic, halved

1 small onion, chopped

small bunch cilantro, chopped

1 tomato, chopped

salt

Arrange 4 chairs, you know, the ones that have yet to be repossessed, in a semi-circle for the few friends who haven't abandoned you. Take jar of change to nearest Coinstar machine, use proceeds ($56.34) to buy ingredients and rent frozen margarita machine. (Note: In parts of the Western United States, limes and avocadoes grow on trees and may be procured by shimmying up trunk and self-picking.)

Use extra long extension cord to siphon electricity from neighbor for margarita machine. Soak onion in juice of one lime. Mash avocado into a bowl that has been rubbed with garlic. Add onions and all other ingredients and season with salt.

Should repo man arrive for chairs, invite him in and serve guacamole with chips. The more the merrier! When party is over, do not feel despondant; look on the bright side - no more annoying mortgage payments or nosy neighbors to worry about and there is no need to clean up. Simply pack leftovers in a cooler and go sit in the park.

Hamburger Casserole For When Nobody Loves You And Never Will

You will need:

½ lb. ground beef

2 cans condensed tomato soup

½ box egg noodles

DVD of motion picture 'Kramer vs. Kramer' or 'Terms of Endearment'

1 onion, chopped

American cheese slices, orange variety

Salt and pepper

Go to the video store and rent something sad. 'Terms of Endearment' is a good one. Or 'Kramer vs. Kramer.'

Once home, preheat the oven to 400° F. Brown beef in a pan. Add onions and sauté until beef is cooked and onions translucent. Boil noodles. (Duh.) After you drain noodles, change into your fanciest outfit since you are unlikely to ever get an opportunity to wear it in public.

In a large bowl, combine condensed soup, beef and onion mix, add noodles and season with salt and pepper. Pour into a baking dish and top with cheese singles. Bake until cheese is melted and bubbly. Eat. Cry. Eat more while watching 'Kramer vs. Kramer.' Cry some more. Eat the rest. Repeat for next 50-70 years depending on age and life expectancy.

Drunk and Disorderly Donut Pudding

You will need:

1 box donuts, any variety

2 cups milk

1/4 tsp. salt

3 egg yolks

1/3 cup sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

Once released from lockup, stop by donut store. Do not take donuts from the station house, as police tend to be territorial about their pastries. When home, preheat oven to 350° F.

Break donuts into large chunks. Warm milk together with salt in a small pot. Vow, with absolute sincerity, that you will never ever drink again. Place donut chunks in baking dish. Check fridge to see if you have any beer. You do. Natch. Have one.

Beat egg yolks, sugar and vanilla. (Don't bother with the electric mixer, a fork will do.) Drizzle into milk, then pour egg mixture over donuts. Put baking dish in a water bath (a larger dish filled part-way with water) and bake for 45 minutes.

While it's cooking, enjoy three or four more beers, as desired. Then, prank call officers who busted you last night, tell them you found Mike Oxlong's wallet. Hang up. Enjoy more beer, as available. Take donut pudding out of oven; eat directly from baking dish. Pass out.

When you wake up, go down to precinct and tell arresting officers in person what they can do with their warrants.

Repeat.