Fat Mom's Lunch Fajita for One

Dear Reader,

I don't know if it is the end of summer, the return of election year anxiety, or all of this suburban pudge I have packed on since moving out of the city, but I'm kind of down in the dumps.  A frumpy dumpy mom is what I am, as a matter of fact.  Yesterday I was explaining to my eight year old daughter that her math homework really wouldn't take that much time.  She looked at me in my yoga pants and Aerosmith t-shirt from Target that is now covered in paint from when I decided I could paint the garage, and said, "You know what else doesn't take much time?  Putting together a decent outfit."

If I had the energy or the inclination I might have scolded her for rudeness.  But, she's right.  It takes no more time to put on a casual dress than it does those dorky yoga pants - you know, the ones for people that don't actually do yoga.  After moving I developed some awful thing in my foot - a heel spur and Plantar Fascitis, so gone are the days when I would run five or six miles every morning.  My foot hurt so badly for a while, that I could barely walk, much less run.  But then I went to the Nike outlet in Freeport, ME and bought myself a pair of Nike Icarus running shoes.  They felt different - better even that the fancy orthotics I was told to buy by the podiatrist.  So I ran.  The first day I made it one mile, the second a mile and a half, and on and on until today.  Thanks to those Nike's and the super fun app Zombies, Run! I managed to pound out four miles this morning.  Up hills and everything!  After my shower I pulled on a cotton dress from the J. Crew outlet in Freeport, ME (do you sense a pattern?) went to the regfrigerator, opened the doors and let the icy air waft over me for a minute until I was faced by another problem.  Food, ugh.  See, this suburban pudge I mentioned comes in the form of eight pounds that have settled on me seemingly for good.  No amount of Weight Watchers tracking points or bowls of watermelon have made a bit of difference.  Bleh.  Maybe this is just me now?  Maybe this is me becoming a middle-aged lady.  It's true that I find myself watching Face the Nation most Sundays.  I never did that before.  Perhaps I need to go to the mall and buy myself a nice new outfit at Lane Bryant to cheer me up.  Maybe I'll do that later, but for now, I'm going back to the fridge to rustle up some lunch, and what I feel like is something a little spicy, a little sweet, something healthy but that won't leave me feeling famished in an hour because I have four different cheeses and three kinds of crackers that are actually singing to me the soundtrack to Jesus Christ Superstar a capella.  So I am armed with a little bit of advice for myself.  It's okay to eat my feelings, but not okay to look like I do.

Fat Mom's Lunch Fajita for One

You will need:

One whole wheat tortilla
Green pepper
Mushrooms
Lime
Onion
Garlic
Cabbage
White Vinegar
Mango
Cumin
Chili powder
Cooking spray
Black beans
Orange

First, take off the old college sweatshirt and pajama bottoms.  If you have nothing better to wear then put on a robe, do not go naked as you might scar your flabby body in the cooking process.  Chop green pepper and onion, place in a large bowl with mushrooms.  Mix together juice of one lime, one clove of garlic, a teaspoon of cumin, and a teaspoon of chili powder, and some pepper and pour over the vegetables - NOT on your face.  This is not an acid peel, although lord knows you could use one.  Let sit for a few minutes while you SHOULD be doing some sit ups, but instead are chopping cabbage and mango.  Pour some white vinegar over cabbage and mango, add a little salt.  Place one quarter cup black beans in a small pot with juice of half an orange, let simmer to heat.  Spray a skillet with cooking spray (duh) and toss in marinated veggies.  Cook about ten minutes, then warm the tortilla either in the microwave, in a pan, or under your fat ass, then fill it with the vegetables, black beans, and coleslaw.  Add light sour cream only if absolutely necessary.  Weight Watchers PointsPlus value 3 as far as I can tell.

Mother of the Year Cookies

Dear Reader,

I have told you before about my friend Claire who is a superstar baker.  Recently she told me of a cookie that was so light, so delicious, and so guilt-free - just 1 Weight Watchers point, and that sent me into a complete tizzy, because I've have lost almost twenty pounds on Weight Watchers.  TWENTY POUNDS.  Here are some things that weigh twenty pounds:

Anyhow, I had to have one of Claire's cookies, and I did - for breakfast.  It was a meringue, chocolatey, crunchy, chewy and so damn good that I had to eat while carefully holding my hand under the cookie because I wasn't going to waste a crumb.

Claire's perfect meringue.

Claire told me the recipe is from Giada De Laurentiis, so I looked it up and made them myself.  I couldn't get them quite as chewy inside as Claire who claimed that she used magic to make them.  I was also too lazy to use a pastry bag, so I sort of glopped them on the cookie sheet, and I ran out of vanilla, so used almond extract, but let me tell you, they were delicious.

My gloppy meringues.

I went a little meringue crazy and made peppermint chocolate chip meringues the following day, and for those puppies I did use the pastry bag, as it was absolutely imperative that I dot red food coloring around the meringue so that when it was piped out it looked like a candy cane.  You understand.

If that weren't enough, I made chocolate cookies the day AFTER THAT.  They aren't quite one point, probably three, but they're worth it.  I think I've aptly titled them.  Enjoy.

Mother of the Year Cookies

You will need:

12 oz. chocolate chips
3/4 cup flour
1/4 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
1/4 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla
little bit more salt

Melt 2/3 of your chocolate either in a double boiler if you're a masochist, or in the microwave if you're a normal person.  Mix together the flour, cinnamon, baking powder and salt in a small bowl.  Pack down that brown sugar (but good!), and beat it with the other sugar and the butter in a larger bowl.  Add the melted chocolate and beat again.  Then mix in the flour stuff on low speed until it's blended.  Stir in the remaining chocolate chips and drop onto a parchment covered baking sheet and sprinkle with just a tiny bit more salt.  It's not necessary to actually count the crystals, but don't add more than, say, ten per cookie.  Bake at 375 for 8 minutes until they are set.

You Ate All the Halloween Candy After the Kids Went to Bed Linguini with Peanut Sauce

Dear Reader,

This one speaks for itself.  Oof.

 You Ate All the Halloween Candy After the Kids Went to Bed Linguini with Peanut Sauce

You will need:

Candy
Linguini
Peanut Butter
Apple cider vinegar
Garlic
Soy sauce
Crushed Red Pepper
Weight Watchers Membership
Broccoli florets
Cherry tomatoes
Scallions

First things first, you need to hide the evidence. Toss all wrappers and sweep up all crumbs before innocent children, still reeling from hauling in so much candy, realize you've eaten it all.  In future, remember the Mommy Tax on Halloween candy is 10%.  No more.  You've got to replace all of it, so head out to the store. Realize you'll have to buy one of every kind of bag, even disgusting circus peanuts, because your child has written a complete inventory of their loot and will know exactly what is missing.  This is going to leave you with a lot of leftover candy, so eat some in the car.

Start with the peanut butter cups, and nibble around the chocolate, saving the peanut butter centers.  Do this enough times until you have one half cup of peanut butter.  Put it in a bowl. Add two teaspoons of soy sauce, three minced cloves of garlic, three tablespoons of cider vinegar, don't use the rancid cider you bought when pumpkin picking now festering in the back of the fridge, it's not the same thing.  Sprinkle in some crushed red pepper.

Boil some salted water and put some linguini in to cook.  Log in to WeightWatchers.com and sign yourself up for a membership, because you've got a lot of candy in the house and you can not be trusted with it, lady.  Scoop half a cup of the pasta water out, and mix it with the peanut sauce.  When the pasta has about a minute left to cook, drop in your broccoli florets.  Drain the pasta and broccoli, mix it with the sauce and top with halved cherry tomatoes, scallions and candy corn.

Seeing The Light At Last

Dear Reader,

Today, I am feeling, for the first time in well over ten days, pretty much human.  And, due to the lack of food I have been able to eat, and the millions of calories burned by excessive coughing and sweating, I was able to forage in my closet for some things I have been unable to wear for the past months.  Like a nice pair of boots.  A few weeks ago, these boots were so tight, that my calf sausaged out over the top.  That is disgusting.  A muffin top can be easily explained away by contemporary denim fashions not conforming to a realistic idea of women's bodies, whereas a muffin top on your boots can only be explained by muffins.

I am going to enjoy this day or two I have in sudden slender form, as I know it will all come back with one glance at the leftover birthday cake in the fridge.  For motivation to keep it off I look here:

She may be smiling now, but she's going to require more than those itty bitty shorts to guard against the rash from her thighs chafing together.  Especially after she gets out of the hot tub with Moto Moto.

And now something to put you in the holiday spirt, if you're not there already.  Enjoy.

Someone sent me something AWESOME.

Dear Reader,

My friend Jon sent me a link to the most excellent site.  I have a collection of obscure and vintage cookery books, but this takes the cake.  Enjoy with an ice cold Jellied Tomato Refresher.

Voila.