Here is another goodie. This time from my sister, Lindsay. Thanks Lindsay!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Double Dream Hands!
Dear Reader,
My sincere hope for you is that you have a friend that is as kind as my friend Luke, and that they will bring such delights as this to your attention. Enjoy.
My sincere hope for you is that you have a friend that is as kind as my friend Luke, and that they will bring such delights as this to your attention. Enjoy.
Monday, December 13, 2010
O Little Town Of Gingerbread!
Dear Reader,
After last year's gingerbread fiasco, I was dreading breaking out the molasses this holiday season. First of all, molasses is pretty disgusting, and I can't believe that people used to use it as if it were sugar. I would rather sweeten my hotcakes with garlic than molasses, but no matter. I began the process this year by sketching what I wanted to build, and I was ambitious! A gingerbread house is so time consuming and nerve-wracking in construction that it seems a waste to build just one paltry house. So I set out to make a whole block. Of course, this was in the throes of my pneumonia, so I had to make a few attempts at the design, as I kept crawling back into bed.
Finally, thanks to Azithromycin, I was able to get at my mixer and make the dough. As always, I used Martha Stewart's recipe, which results in gingerbread so strong and durable that it will break your teeth if you try to eat it, and usually break your mixer as well. The dough took a couple of days to make - so many walls! I had forgotten that the fumes from baking gingerbread (again, vile molasses) give my husband a massive headache for two days, so in total we had two days of baking and four days of headaches. But we had the walls!
I added windows using the melted candy method, and made some lovely stained glass using Jolly Ranchers. Ordinarily, I am an advocate of using marshmallow Fluff to hold the thing together, but it took forever to dry. As it turns out, Martha's "Royal Icing Glue" when made with too much confectioner's sugar, is better. It dries really quickly and is super strong. It made the process so easy that I only threatened once that my kids better enjoy this because it was the last gingerbread house we were making.
So how did it turn out? See for yourself:
After last year's gingerbread fiasco, I was dreading breaking out the molasses this holiday season. First of all, molasses is pretty disgusting, and I can't believe that people used to use it as if it were sugar. I would rather sweeten my hotcakes with garlic than molasses, but no matter. I began the process this year by sketching what I wanted to build, and I was ambitious! A gingerbread house is so time consuming and nerve-wracking in construction that it seems a waste to build just one paltry house. So I set out to make a whole block. Of course, this was in the throes of my pneumonia, so I had to make a few attempts at the design, as I kept crawling back into bed.
Finally, thanks to Azithromycin, I was able to get at my mixer and make the dough. As always, I used Martha Stewart's recipe, which results in gingerbread so strong and durable that it will break your teeth if you try to eat it, and usually break your mixer as well. The dough took a couple of days to make - so many walls! I had forgotten that the fumes from baking gingerbread (again, vile molasses) give my husband a massive headache for two days, so in total we had two days of baking and four days of headaches. But we had the walls!
I added windows using the melted candy method, and made some lovely stained glass using Jolly Ranchers. Ordinarily, I am an advocate of using marshmallow Fluff to hold the thing together, but it took forever to dry. As it turns out, Martha's "Royal Icing Glue" when made with too much confectioner's sugar, is better. It dries really quickly and is super strong. It made the process so easy that I only threatened once that my kids better enjoy this because it was the last gingerbread house we were making.
So how did it turn out? See for yourself:
Children eating candy that is meant for the houses.
My son was recruited to hold the walls while the Fluff dried.
Walls kept falling down. You can tell by the sour expression on my face that this is when I threatened to never do this again.
Daughter helping out by eating gingerbread men.
Finished! Note the hairdryer on the floor which was used to dry the Fluff.
O little town of gingerbread...
24 Gumdrop Lane
Not sure what this building is supposed to be. A mosque?
Next door to the mosque... the First Church of The Grateful Dead?
Mike Bloomberbread lives here.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Christmas Cheer
Dear Reader,
I had to share this video because it fills my heart with joy, and also makes me a little teary for some reason. But what's more, and so unexpected, it makes me hunger for sesame chicken. Does it do the same for you?
I had to share this video because it fills my heart with joy, and also makes me a little teary for some reason. But what's more, and so unexpected, it makes me hunger for sesame chicken. Does it do the same for you?
Monday, December 6, 2010
Lady Gaga Go Go Rugelach
Dear Reader,
It's Hanukkah! That special time of year when we get presents for not one, not two, but EIGHT days in a row! Someone totally awesome thought of this holiday. To top it all off, Hanukkah is an excuse to pig out for not one, not two, but EIGHT days in a row! Excellent. What do celebrities do to celebrate this celebration? I have no idea, but here is some rugelach. Happy Hanukkah!
You will need:
2 1/2 cups flour
2 sticks cold, unsalted butter, cut into cubes
2 8 oz. packages cream cheese
3/4 tsp. cinnamon
9 Tbs. raspberry preserves
1 cup shelled, unsalted pistachios, chopped
Okay you little monster, throw the flour and butter into the food processor and give it the finger. Then pulse until the mixture looks like little beads that you might sew on your underpants. Take one package of cream cheese and smear it all over your face. Add false eyelashes. Add second package cream cheese to processor and whiz until a dough forms. Divide into three parts, and chill in the fridge while you call Alejandro. When he sends your call straight to voicemail, throw cell phone against the wall and scream silently like Mother Courage for five or six minutes.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Squeeze half a stick of butter in your hands and smear it all over a cookie sheet and then in your wig. Take a kitchen towel, throw sugar on it, and roll one third of dough into a big circle. Spread preserves on top, then sprinkle on the pistachios and some cinnamon and sugar. Use a pizza cutter to cut the circle into sixteen wedges. Roll up each wedge like a big goof butt and put on the cookie sheet. Bake for 15 minutes, or as long as it takes you to take a shower, wash your face, put on some sweatpants, and think about doing something for that yeast infection you can't get rid of from wearing leotards 24 hours a day.
It's Hanukkah! That special time of year when we get presents for not one, not two, but EIGHT days in a row! Someone totally awesome thought of this holiday. To top it all off, Hanukkah is an excuse to pig out for not one, not two, but EIGHT days in a row! Excellent. What do celebrities do to celebrate this celebration? I have no idea, but here is some rugelach. Happy Hanukkah!
Lady Gaga Go Go Rugelach
2 1/2 cups flour
2 sticks cold, unsalted butter, cut into cubes
2 8 oz. packages cream cheese
3/4 tsp. cinnamon
9 Tbs. raspberry preserves
1 cup shelled, unsalted pistachios, chopped
Okay you little monster, throw the flour and butter into the food processor and give it the finger. Then pulse until the mixture looks like little beads that you might sew on your underpants. Take one package of cream cheese and smear it all over your face. Add false eyelashes. Add second package cream cheese to processor and whiz until a dough forms. Divide into three parts, and chill in the fridge while you call Alejandro. When he sends your call straight to voicemail, throw cell phone against the wall and scream silently like Mother Courage for five or six minutes.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Squeeze half a stick of butter in your hands and smear it all over a cookie sheet and then in your wig. Take a kitchen towel, throw sugar on it, and roll one third of dough into a big circle. Spread preserves on top, then sprinkle on the pistachios and some cinnamon and sugar. Use a pizza cutter to cut the circle into sixteen wedges. Roll up each wedge like a big goof butt and put on the cookie sheet. Bake for 15 minutes, or as long as it takes you to take a shower, wash your face, put on some sweatpants, and think about doing something for that yeast infection you can't get rid of from wearing leotards 24 hours a day.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Kim Kardashian's Big Booty Bolognese
Dear Reader,
I have not been very good at keeping up with the Kardashians. However, I am aware that Kim, the doyenne of that domicile, has decided to go completely silent on Twitter (No no no! Tell me this isn't true!) in order to raise money or something for kids or something. I offer Kim, and you, something to fill the time. Enjoy.
You will need:
Butter
Olive oil
Bacon
1 lb. ground beef
1 onion, chopped
1 carrot, grated
1 book, opened
1 stick celery, chopped
White wine
1 cup milk
1 large can whole plum tomatoes
Sofa
Melt butter in a large pan with olive oil, and add beef to brown. Toss in chopped bacon. If you don't have any bacon, call Khloe, she has some. Bible. Sizzle it up till it's smokin' hot like your booty. Add onion, carrot, and celery. While that cooks, think of ways to fill your time now that you aren't on Twitter anymore. How about Facebooking? Or here's a riddle - what did people do before there was twitter and stuff like that? Read books! Read a book, Kim. I have a suggestion - Flaubert. It sorta sounds like flatulence or something that comes from your booty anyway, like, "OMG Kourtney, did you see the size of that flaubert I just dropped in the toilet? Jeez!" Read the book. Tear the white wine out of your mother's clenched fist, and pour some into the pot, about a cupful. When that has simmered away, pour in the milk and let it simmer as well. Now is the time to flip the cushions on the sofa, so that each one gets the same amount of wear and tear from your booty. When the milk has been absorbed, add in the tomatoes in their juice. Break the tomatoes up with your hands. Do not use your butt cheeks to break up the tomatoes, even though they are stronger than your hands. Fecal matter will contaminate the sauce. Let sauce simmer for one hour and serve over spaghetti.
I have not been very good at keeping up with the Kardashians. However, I am aware that Kim, the doyenne of that domicile, has decided to go completely silent on Twitter (No no no! Tell me this isn't true!) in order to raise money or something for kids or something. I offer Kim, and you, something to fill the time. Enjoy.
Kim Kardashian's Big Booty Bolognese
Butter
Olive oil
Bacon
1 lb. ground beef
1 onion, chopped
1 carrot, grated
1 book, opened
1 stick celery, chopped
White wine
1 cup milk
1 large can whole plum tomatoes
Sofa
Melt butter in a large pan with olive oil, and add beef to brown. Toss in chopped bacon. If you don't have any bacon, call Khloe, she has some. Bible. Sizzle it up till it's smokin' hot like your booty. Add onion, carrot, and celery. While that cooks, think of ways to fill your time now that you aren't on Twitter anymore. How about Facebooking? Or here's a riddle - what did people do before there was twitter and stuff like that? Read books! Read a book, Kim. I have a suggestion - Flaubert. It sorta sounds like flatulence or something that comes from your booty anyway, like, "OMG Kourtney, did you see the size of that flaubert I just dropped in the toilet? Jeez!" Read the book. Tear the white wine out of your mother's clenched fist, and pour some into the pot, about a cupful. When that has simmered away, pour in the milk and let it simmer as well. Now is the time to flip the cushions on the sofa, so that each one gets the same amount of wear and tear from your booty. When the milk has been absorbed, add in the tomatoes in their juice. Break the tomatoes up with your hands. Do not use your butt cheeks to break up the tomatoes, even though they are stronger than your hands. Fecal matter will contaminate the sauce. Let sauce simmer for one hour and serve over spaghetti.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Seeing The Light At Last
Dear Reader,
Today, I am feeling, for the first time in well over ten days, pretty much human. And, due to the lack of food I have been able to eat, and the millions of calories burned by excessive coughing and sweating, I was able to forage in my closet for some things I have been unable to wear for the past months. Like a nice pair of boots. A few weeks ago, these boots were so tight, that my calf sausaged out over the top. That is disgusting. A muffin top can be easily explained away by contemporary denim fashions not conforming to a realistic idea of women's bodies, whereas a muffin top on your boots can only be explained by muffins.
I am going to enjoy this day or two I have in sudden slender form, as I know it will all come back with one glance at the leftover birthday cake in the fridge. For motivation to keep it off I look here:
She may be smiling now, but she's going to require more than those itty bitty shorts to guard against the rash from her thighs chafing together. Especially after she gets out of the hot tub with Moto Moto.
And now something to put you in the holiday spirt, if you're not there already. Enjoy.
Today, I am feeling, for the first time in well over ten days, pretty much human. And, due to the lack of food I have been able to eat, and the millions of calories burned by excessive coughing and sweating, I was able to forage in my closet for some things I have been unable to wear for the past months. Like a nice pair of boots. A few weeks ago, these boots were so tight, that my calf sausaged out over the top. That is disgusting. A muffin top can be easily explained away by contemporary denim fashions not conforming to a realistic idea of women's bodies, whereas a muffin top on your boots can only be explained by muffins.
I am going to enjoy this day or two I have in sudden slender form, as I know it will all come back with one glance at the leftover birthday cake in the fridge. For motivation to keep it off I look here:
She may be smiling now, but she's going to require more than those itty bitty shorts to guard against the rash from her thighs chafing together. Especially after she gets out of the hot tub with Moto Moto.
And now something to put you in the holiday spirt, if you're not there already. Enjoy.
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