Some of you are thrilled with last night's election results, probably outside right now hiding in the bushes with your shotgun on the lookout for Muslims and "lazy black people" that are out to take your stuff. Others are packing up your old college text books and back issues of the New Yorker and telling everyone you are heading for Canada (you'll never go, and anyway, they don't want you). But whatever your politics, there is one thing you are undoubtedly excited for - Sandra Lee is the First Lady of New York State! I am giddy with anticipation of the tablescapes she will be able to create in the Governor's Mansion! Think of the myriad glasses in every shape, and size, and color in which she will concoct delicious ice-creamy cocktails. Albany has no idea what is in store! For Sandra Lee, Andrew Cuomo, and the residents of the capital district, I offer First Lady Martini, New York Style. Cheers!
First Lady Martini, New York Style
You will need:
Vanilla Pudding
Grenadine
Blue Curacao
Graham Cracker crumbs
Lick the rim of your martini glass, the big one with the twisty, braided stem, but not the green one, and dip it gently in the graham crackers - crushed like the nuts of Carl Palladino. Layer the bottom of the glass with vanilla pudding. Pour on one dram of grenadine, and then float blue curacao on top. Finish with a delightful Maple leaf collected from the lawn, and wonder what the heck Andrew is going to do, because the RENT IS STILL TOO DAMN HIGH.
I am going to relate to you a strange set of coincidences, a mysterious turn of events which happened recently - Wednesday, in fact. Wednesday morning I decided to forgo my slog on the treadmill in favor of a brisk walk uptown to my therapist's office, where we talk mostly about Sarah Palin and how much we don't like her.
It was a glorious day in NYC, and I was listening to my favorite podcast, Stuff You Should Know. At the end of the podcast called, "Why would anyone want multiple spouses?" the hosts, Josh and Chuck, very briefly mentioned a prediction made by a former employee of NORAD. Retired Air Force Officer Stanley A. Fulham, claimed that on October 13, the very day I was walking uptown, visitors from a distant planet were going to appear over major American cities to warn us humans about the dangers of global warming.
I proceeded to my therapist, then went to pick the kids up from school. I thought my son would get a kick out of the UFO prediction, and I was right. He's eight. Then, on the way home, we came around our corner and were faced by a dozen news fans, crowds of people staring up at the sky, and at least ten helicopters hovering overhead. I asked the gentleman who hands out promotional material for the threading salon ("Tweeze your eyebrow? Wax your body?") what was going on. "There is a UFO" he said.
We rushed home and turned on the television.
Now, I am not saying that this was, indeed a UFO. Mr. Fulham does have a book coming out, and if anyone knows that you need to engage in all manner of stunts to get people to buy your book, it's me. Maybe it's because I watched too many episodes of the X Files in the 90's, or maybe because one night, over my brother's baseball game, an enormous object appeared overhead, blocking out the stars, seeming to just hover, then move off very slowly, to the astonishment of everyone present, the incident later chronicled in this book, but I'm inclined to believe that if not today, then some day certainly, it is possible that the little blue doctors will come to save us. Or maybe to harvest us.
When that day arrives, you can be sure that I will not be heading for my pantry, but directly for the liquor cabinet. In the spirit of Brownie Troop 5374 I shall be prepared. Enjoy.
Alien Abduction
You will need:
Galliano
Vodka
Gatorade
Hard evidence
Awake cold and naked in the middle of a dark forest with a painful sunburn on one side of your face. Make your way down to the nearest town and stop into a liquor store to a) borrow their phone b) find out where you are c) find out what day it is d) borrow some clothes e) buy booze because you’re gonna need it.
Mix equal parts vodka and Galliano in a highball glass over ice. When memories of the flashing lights, the large, empty eyeballs and the probe (oh God, the probe!) come flooding back to you, tell nearest person that you were abducted by aliens. Plead and cry that they believe you until they unclench your fists from around their elbows and run quickly away from you. Drink half of Gatorade, then pour vodka and Galliano into bottle for inconspicuous consumption.
Return to where you first saw the lights and heard the loud, whooshing sound. Search entire area for evidence – bizarre patterns burned into the ground, pieces of unearthly metals, and seven fingered gloves are all good finds. Use empty Galliano bottle to fashion antenna so your space friends can find you the next time they’re in town.
To begin, go to cupboard.Decide that you have far too many coffee mugs with silly sayings on them.Throw them in the garbage.Go to writing implement and sit, holding it in hand.
Put down writing implement.Go to refrigerator.Stand before the open fridge and survey its contents, looking perhaps for something left there by elves.Hmmmm... Have one chocolate pudding cup.Go back to writing implement, pick it up and put it on paper.Tap against paper for 2 – 3 minutes, or until you want to jump out the window.
Go to computer and try and look for inspiration by surfing celebrity gossip and photo websites.Consider writing something about Nicole Kidman.Begin by writing, “Nicole was standing on line at the supermarket, just like regular folks…” tear paper off notebook, discard, and go to refrigerator.Before refrigerator, look for something that may have appeared by magic since the last time you were there.Nope, nothing.Look in cupboard, grab handful of almonds and go back to writing implement.Notice dull, incessant thumping of music coming from slacker neighbor’s apartment.
Go back to computer and visit www.LiftMagic.com.Upload photo of yourself to see how you might look after various plastic surgeries, should you ever be able to afford plastic surgery.Go to refrigerator; find one piece Swiss cheese, one piece bologna, salami or other lunchmeat, and one pickle.Layer bologna on top of cheese and place pickle in center, spread a bit of mayo and a bit of mustard on either side of pickle, roll up and eat.Return to writing implement, and begin, “Nicole held the Swiss cheese, limp and full of holes, just like she was beginning to feel about Johnny’s alibi for the night Mike the Fish was gunned down in cold blood outside Pizza Hut.”Put down writing implement and go to refrigerator.
Pour one glass root beer and return to writing implement, but do not pick up.Instead, remove atlas from nearby shelf, and hurl against neighbor’s wall.Pick up atlas and flip through while waiting to think of something to write about.Pick up writing implement and begin, “Nicole lived in the High Tatra Mountains which lie in Poland and Slovakia and form part of the Carpathian Mountains. The tallest peak is 8,710 feet high, which sometimes left Nicole dizzy and gasping for air…” Go back to cupboard and find container microwavable Beefaroni.Prepare according to package directions and eat.Return to writing implement.
Put down writing implement, go to computer and visit www.sothebysrealty.com.Browse homes in exotic locations that would surely provide more inspiration for your projects.Rethink decision to abandon coffee mugs.Fish the one with all the Presidents on it out of the garbage as it comes in handy when doing crossword puzzles.Return to refrigerator and eat four baby carrots dipped in jar of black bean dip.Put writing implement away, go to couch, comfy chair or floor, lie flat on your back and sleep six to eight hours, as desired.
Thanks to Anna for alerting me to The Geometry of Pasta. There aren't many things I love more than pasta. Super cool website, and looks like a good book. Enjoy!
Dear Reader,
I have had another letter, this time from Samantha in Portland, Maine.
"...I quit my job when I had kids, thinking it was best for them that I stay home. But now they're in school and I'm home by myself with nothing to do but housework. Am I really going to spend my life cleaning? I need something to take away my boredom."
Samantha, you are certainly not alone, the tediousness of taking care of children (and husbands) has led many women to turn to Mommy's Little Helper, aka Vodka. Cheers.
Bored Housewife
You will need:
Swiffers
Vodka
Duct tape
Dance Music
Pickled Onions
After dropping kids at school, swing by liquor store for a quart of vodka. Make sure to say, “It’s for later,” at the checkout. Say it at least three times, loudly, so that everyone in the store will hear you. Once home, pour three jiggers vodka in a large tumbler. Put on dance music from the 80’s such as Duran Duran, Soft Cell or Dexy's Midnight Runners.
Place two Swiffers on floor and use duct tape to fashion into shoes. Drop several pickled onions into vodka and, if desired, a small amount of brine. Drink while dancing around house cleaning floors. If you should catch sight of yourself in mirrors, add two more jiggers vodka to glass before calling stay-at-home dad next door over for a game of seven minutes in heaven.
Dear Reader,
I have made no secret of my adoration of Martha Stewart. But if there is one thing I love even more than uber bakers, it is snarky drunks. Who knew that Martha was such a sassy saucer?! Watch from the 3:30 mark.
Dear Heather, My husband and I have a sex life that can only be called lackluster. He just doesn't seem interested and when I try and talk to him about it he just sits in front of the television watching Desperate Housewives. It is really frustrating! Last night I tried to ignite some romance with candles and a sexy nightie and he had a huge fit and said that he couldn't stand for one more minute to look at our ugly duvet which didn't even match the sham. All he ever wants to do is tidy up the house. What can I do? Thank you, Sue Ann
Oh, Sue Ann. Here is the problem. Your husband is gay. He is not going to want to have sex with you ever. But why not let him pick out some modern bedding for your boudoir? Think of him as your own personal Nate Berkus. I'm sure many many women would gladly trade in their husbands for one of those. Cook up a big pot of my Mom's Old Fashioned Chicken Soup For Closet Cases to enjoy in your stylish new home!
