Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Writer's Block Snackstravaganza

Writer’s Block Snackstravaganza

You will need:

Writing implement

To begin, go to cupboard.  Decide that you have far too many coffee mugs with silly sayings on them.  Throw them in the garbage.  Go to writing implement and sit, holding it in hand.

Put down writing implement.  Go to refrigerator.  Stand before the open fridge and survey its contents, looking perhaps for something left there by elves.  Hmmmm... Have one chocolate pudding cup.  Go back to writing implement, pick it up and put it on paper.  Tap against paper for 2 – 3 minutes, or until you want to jump out the window. 

Go to computer and try and look for inspiration by surfing celebrity gossip and photo websites.  Consider writing something about Nicole Kidman.  Begin by writing, “Nicole was standing on line at the supermarket, just like regular folks…” tear paper off notebook, discard, and go to refrigerator.  Before refrigerator, look for something that may have appeared by magic since the last time you were there.  Nope, nothing.  Look in cupboard, grab handful of almonds and go back to writing implement.  Notice dull, incessant thumping of music coming from slacker neighbor’s apartment.

Go back to computer and visit www.LiftMagic.com.  Upload photo of yourself to see how you might look after various plastic surgeries, should you ever be able to afford plastic surgery.  Go to refrigerator; find one piece Swiss cheese, one piece bologna, salami or other lunchmeat, and one pickle.  Layer bologna on top of cheese and place pickle in center, spread a bit of mayo and a bit of mustard on either side of pickle, roll up and eat.  Return to writing implement, and begin, “Nicole held the Swiss cheese, limp and full of holes, just like she was beginning to feel about Johnny’s alibi for the night Mike the Fish was gunned down in cold blood outside Pizza Hut.”  Put down writing implement and go to refrigerator.

Pour one glass root beer and return to writing implement, but do not pick up.  Instead, remove atlas from nearby shelf, and hurl against neighbor’s wall.  Pick up atlas and flip through while waiting to think of something to write about.  Pick up writing implement and begin, “Nicole lived in the High Tatra Mountains which lie in Poland and Slovakia and form part of the Carpathian Mountains.  The tallest peak is 8,710 feet high, which sometimes left Nicole dizzy and gasping for air…” Go back to cupboard and find container microwavable Beefaroni.  Prepare according to package directions and eat.  Return to writing implement.

Put down writing implement, go to computer and visit www.sothebysrealty.com.  Browse homes in exotic locations that would surely provide more inspiration for your projects.  Rethink decision to abandon coffee mugs.  Fish the one with all the Presidents on it out of the garbage as it comes in handy when doing crossword puzzles.  Return to refrigerator and eat four baby carrots dipped in jar of black bean dip.  Put writing implement away, go to couch, comfy chair or floor, lie flat on your back and sleep six to eight hours, as desired.




  1. heather how i love you. ive missed your posts so much. you cheer me up. marc jacobs is afraid of white papers i hear, he likes red papers apparently, upon which he can put a black line. before and after no difference. i will test myself now. s

  2. Your link to www.LiftMagic.com actually goes to LensCrafters, where you can upload a pic and put glasses on yourself. I bet you did both. Thanks for the very funny post!

  3. Ha ha! I'm so busted. Absolutely did both... Lift Magic is better, though!


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