Showing posts with label Cocktail. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cocktail. Show all posts

Monday, November 12, 2012

Gimme Shelter on the Rocks

Dear Reader,

You might have heard we had some weather in these parts.  I'm not going to try and say anything funny about Hurricane Sandy, because there's really nothing funny about it.  However, when you are talking about secondary effects of a storm, and primary effects of being the only one in your family with a generator, hilarity ensues.  Or hysteria in any case.  Here is something to calm the nerves left raw and frazzled by family members camping out in your home.  Enjoy.




Gimme Shelter on the Rocks

You will need:

Generator
Spare bed/ sleeping bags
Ice
Patience
Tequila


First, place all perishables into a chest full of ice, reserving ice to be used in this cocktail.  Then place any elderly relatives in areas near a bathroom if they are functioning, or near the door if they are not, to encourage them to go by themselves.  Leave a trowel by the door to prevent piles in the yard.  Crush the ice using a hammer or other blunt instrument.  Do not crush by bashing your head on the ice - even though it may provide some numbing now, it will hurt like a mofo in an hour.  Likewise do not use size D batteries to crush the ice as you will need these for portable radios, flashlights, or to sell to neighbors who do not have generators and didn't buy enough batteries.  Throw some mint in the bottom of a large glass, and smash it around with anything but the trowel.  Place crushed ice into the glass and top with six ounces of tequila and two ounces of lemonade, limeaid, orange juice, or whatever juice your have on hand.  If your mother-in-law is staying with you, chances are she brought some juice, so take some when she's not looking.  Swirl the whole drink around a bit and find a quiet place where you can be alone, such as a closet, cupboard, or inside the dryer.  Take a deep, cleansing breath and drink with a straw.  Repeat.




To Donate to the American Red Cross relief effort for those affected by Hurricane Sandy,
CLICK HERE.




Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Brothers and Sisters Cocktail

Dear Reader,

Last night's GOP primary debate has me all in a funk.  I turned on the television at 8:08 just in time to hear Michelle Bachmann announce her candidacy.  That was a surprise, because I had no idea that anyone could just show up.  I would have loved to debate Keynesian Economics with those folksie folks.  Not really.  I'd rather sit on my couch with my large cocktail and feel the anxiety welling up from my toes to my neck where it constricts, tighter and tighter, like an Anaconda, until I can't sleep at night.  Do we really have seventeen whole months of this to endure?  I'm still recovering from post traumatic stress after the 2008 election, and I can't go through another one.  To gear up for the upcoming political onslaught, I offer this cocktail, for everyone on both sides of the fence except the Mormons, because they can't drink, so sucks for them.


Brothers and Sisters Can Get Along Cocktail

You will need:
Neighbors
Lemon
Sugar
Valium

Ask the older lady who lives next door if you can borrow some of the tea bags she has hanging off her hat, then ask the gay guys across the street if you can borrow a bottle of Grey Goose.  Put the tea bags in the Grey Goose and set outside in the sunshine of America to steep.  When the tea has infused into the vodka like divisive feelings that seeped into your veins, bring it inside and mix up a simple syrup by boiling one cup water and mixing in an equal amount of sugar.  Squeeze a generous amount of lemon into the vodka, and add the syrup to taste.  Pour over mint leaves stolen from the old lady down the block who knows better than to let politics ruin her year.  Pop one or two Valium and then invite them all over for game night, being careful to avoid lefty elitist games like Scrabble, and honest right wing favorites like Bunco.  How about a nice game of Sorry?


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Eat Your Feelings Sandra Lee!

Dear Reader,

Some of you are thrilled with last night's election results, probably outside right now hiding in the bushes with your shotgun on the lookout for Muslims and "lazy black people" that are out to take your stuff.  Others are packing up your old college text books and back issues of the New Yorker and telling everyone you are heading for Canada (you'll never go, and anyway, they don't want you).  But whatever your politics, there is one thing you are undoubtedly excited for - Sandra Lee is the First Lady of New York State!  I am giddy with anticipation of the tablescapes she will be able to create in the Governor's Mansion!  Think of the myriad glasses in every shape, and size, and color in which she will concoct delicious ice-creamy cocktails.  Albany has no idea what is in store!  For Sandra Lee, Andrew Cuomo, and the residents of the capital district, I offer First Lady Martini, New York Style.  Cheers!


First Lady Martini, New York Style

You will need:
Vanilla Pudding
Grenadine
Blue Curacao
Graham Cracker crumbs

Lick the rim of your martini glass, the big one with the twisty, braided stem, but not the green one, and dip it gently in the graham crackers - crushed like the nuts of Carl Palladino.  Layer the bottom of the glass with vanilla pudding.  Pour on one dram of grenadine, and then float blue curacao on top.  Finish with a delightful Maple leaf collected from the lawn, and wonder what the heck Andrew is going to do, because the RENT IS STILL TOO DAMN HIGH.