8:45 AM
Woke up this morning at the ungodly hour of 5:30 for no reason at all, and totally convinced myself that someone was breaking into my house. Turned out to be the stupid hamster tossing her food down the tube thing. Had a tall skim cappuccino with one pump of sugar free caramel. Now I'm at the Apple Store listening to a big fight at the Genius Bar - he says her kid broke the iPad by using inferior German headphones, but she says that is bullshit!
I'm going home.
10:30 AM
Had an egg and more of Bittman's salad, as well a nice cup of Constant Comment because it is so fuddy duddy delicious. I'm eating a lot of eggs. The thought of eating a lot of eggs makes me never want to eat an egg again. Eggs are really revolting when you think about it. Even the word "egg" sounds awful, like it should mean "phlegm," as in, "When I had pneumonia I coughed up a huge egg." Once I saw a photo of a premature egg - they eat them in places like France. Made me want to puke. If you want to see that, and more, click here.
12:07 PM
Sometimes cashews taste like chocolate, and sometimes they taste like bark.
3:00 PM
Spent 45 minutes on the elliptical reading The Passage. Came home and had one of those cottage cheese cups.
7:15 PM
Made a delicious red lentil soup for dinner, very spicy and fragrant with cumin and lemon, without any rice or potatoes. Also had an arugula salad.
9:06 PM
I'm trying to get the hamster to like me, so every night I put a little treat on my hand and try to get her to eat off of it. Tonight I had a pecan in my palm, and lo and behold, she climbed right up with her soft little feet, picked it up and ate it. She didn't even run away with it to her sky dome like she did last week. She just sat there eating her nut. She made it look so tasty... So now I'm eating some nuts. Stealing the hamster treats...
I haven't been able to post anything in a while as I have been really self-absorbed and lazy, constantly googling myself and generally messing around on the computer doing all kinds of things that are entirely unproductive and useless. I thought I would share with you some of the fruits of my labor.
Amazon offers a great program that allows people to review stuff.Fortunately the large majority of reviews for my book have been great.For example Katie Osborne called it “Laugh out loud funny” and thanks to NaughtiLiterati who said, “This is the funniest and most fun cookbook I've ever read.” And I want to give a special shout-out to Gordon M. Wagner who said, “I keep wanting to use the word 'laser' for just how precise the humor is -- sharp and biting, yet completely charming.”But then I came across this one by a fellow who goes by the moniker MagicSkip:
The other thing about this book is that it is NOT, as you might expect (in spite of the title), emotional comfort foods to make you feel BETTER when you're down -- it really is recipes for "self-loathing"; stuff that you could pig out on and end up feeling worse than you did before. Seriously. "Double Crust Apple Pie for Recreational Bulimics" has about two sentences of pie-prep, followed by "Actually, you're just going to throw it up anyway. Forget it." and don't even get me started on the "Cocktail Nibblers for Alcoholics". Don't read this book depressed -- it will push you over the edge.
MagicSkip plunked down one lousy star for his rating.So I thought I would take a look at who this magic man is.
MagicSkip has reviews for all sorts of things!For example he simply adores his Bucket Boss Brand Mug Boss saying, “The best thing is that it lets people know that in your heart-of-hearts, you are a hands-on TOOL PERSON.”He also has fond feelings for Caldrea Dish Soap and would have given it five stars but for the fact that, “When I squirt it on a messy pan, it doesn't stick to where I squirted it.”And don’t get him started on The Switch Black Cherry Drink, “When I get more, I want to try it as a mixer with vodka.”
Alas, my book is not alone on the list of things MagicSkip does not like.For example he did not at all appreciate the children’s book Guess How Much I Love You, railing, “Little Nutbrown Hare (why couldn't he/she have a NAME?!?!?)” And he says of the Whole Spice Chipotle Chili Powder, “When I sprinkle it into a sauce, enough of it enters the air and I end up inhaling it, and it feels like I'm burning my nose. YUCK!”
That’s the wonderful thing about the Internet.It offers a little window into the life and mind of someone else.And it lets you see what you look like with someone else’s hair.
Tonight it is my turn to read and I will be doing so with verve and gusto! Join me at Barnes and Noble, Lincoln Triangle, at 7:30 to hear excerpts from Eat Your Feelings!
Here is an example of a letter I receive from across this great nation on a daily basis:
Dear Heather,
I have been following the tantalizing morsels you have provided, and really want to get the book – when is it coming out?
Eating my feelings in Sheboygan, Theresa
Well Theresa, the long wait is over! The book is on sale today! Personally I will be congratulating myself with a huge I Wrote A Book And It Is On Sale Today In Bookstores Everywhere Chicken Salad Sandwich on a Raisin Bagel With a Side of Tequila. Cheers!
I have big, exciting news! Not only is my book Eat Your Feelings: Recipes for Self-Loathing in stores September 17th but you are also invited to join me for two spectacular events in NYC.
On September 24th I will be dramatically and enthusiastically reading from my book at the BARNES & NOBLEnear Lincoln Center. And join me on September 30th at 7 PM for a SUPER FUN PARTY and COOK-OFF.
POWERHOUSE ARENAin Brooklyn is hosting this extraordinary event that will feature a conversation with the author (ME) andJOHN DELUCIEthe marvelous chef from THE WAVERLY INN, a celebrity packed restaurant you’ve probably never been to. Also there will be a cook-off featuring three recipes from the book. So pick one, two or all of the recipes to enter and you may win FABULOUS PRIZES! And if you play your cards right you just might sweet talk your way to a table at the Waverly to boot.
If you don’t want to put your culinary skills on display, do not fear! It’s always fun to sit in judgment of others and you can help vote for the audience award. I look forward to seeing you all there and tasting your feelings! Oh, and there will be wine for drowning your sorrows if nobody likes your food.
Powerhouse Arena
37 Main Street in DUMBO
September 30th 7-9 PM
www.powerhousearena.com
The recipes for the cook-off are:
Foreclosure Fiesta
You Will Need:
Spare change
6 avocadoes
1 lime
1 clove garlic, halved
1 small onion, chopped
small bunch cilantro, chopped
1 tomato, chopped
salt
Arrange 4 chairs, you know, the ones that have yet to be repossessed, in a semi-circle for the few friends who haven't abandoned you. Take jar of change to nearest Coinstar machine, use proceeds ($56.34) to buy ingredients and rent frozen margarita machine. (Note: In parts of the Western United States, limes and avocadoes grow on trees and may be procured by shimmying up trunk and self-picking.)
Use extra long extension cord to siphon electricity from neighbor for margarita machine. Soak onion in juice of one lime. Mash avocado into a bowl that has been rubbed with garlic. Add onions and all other ingredients and season with salt.
Should repo man arrive for chairs, invite him in and serve guacamole with chips. The more the merrier! When party is over, do not feel despondant; look on the bright side - no more annoying mortgage payments or nosy neighbors to worry about and there is no need to clean up. Simply pack leftovers in a cooler and go sit in the park.
Hamburger Casserole For When Nobody Loves You And Never Will
You will need:
½ lb. ground beef
2 cans condensed tomato soup
½ box egg noodles
DVD of motion picture 'Kramer vs. Kramer' or 'Terms of Endearment'
1 onion, chopped
American cheese slices, orange variety
Salt and pepper
Go to the video store and rent something sad. 'Terms of Endearment' is a good one.Or 'Kramer vs. Kramer.'
In a large bowl, combine condensed soup, beef and onion mix, add noodles and season with salt and pepper. Pour into a baking dish and top with cheese singles. Bake until cheese is melted and bubbly.Eat. Cry. Eat more while watching 'Kramer vs. Kramer.' Cry some more. Eat the rest. Repeat for next 50-70 years depending on age and life expectancy.
Drunk and Disorderly Donut Pudding
You will need:
1 box donuts, any variety
2 cups milk
1/4 tsp. salt
3 egg yolks
1/3 cup sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
Once released from lockup, stop by donut store. Do not take donuts from the station house, as police tend to be territorial about their pastries. When home, preheat oven to 350° F.
Break donuts into large chunks. Warm milk together with salt in a small pot. Vow, with absolute sincerity, that you will never ever drink again. Place donut chunks in baking dish. Check fridge to see if you have any beer. You do. Natch. Have one.
Beat egg yolks, sugar and vanilla. (Don't bother with the electric mixer, a fork will do.) Drizzle into milk, then pour egg mixture over donuts. Put baking dish in a water bath (a larger dish filled part-way with water) and bake for 45 minutes.
While it's cooking, enjoy three or four more beers, as desired. Then, prank call officers who busted you last night, tell them you found Mike Oxlong's wallet. Hang up. Enjoy more beer, as available. Take donut pudding out of oven; eat directly from baking dish. Pass out.
When you wake up, go down to precinct and tell arresting officers in person what they can do with their warrants.
