Fancy French Cuisine for Ass Kickers

Dear Reader,

You know how sometimes after the New Year, you think everything's going to be different, everything is going to be better, this is going to be my year goddammit!  And then it's not?  Well that's not going to happen this time, baby!  Because this is your year!  And to celebrate we are going to have something a little fancy, well, maybe not exactly "fancy" but definitely French.  You deserve it for all the ass kicking you're about to do in 2012.  Enjoy.

Fancy French Cuisine for Ass Kickers

You will need:

4 Chicken breasts, cubed, or other proteinish substance
Olive oil
1 onion
Garlic
2 carrots
12 fingerling potatoes, sliced
1/2 pound sliced mushrooms
Pinot Noir
1 Tbs. Herbs de Provence
Tomato Paste
Bay leaf

First thing you need to do is put on some music to suit your awesomeness.  Here's what I suggest, but feel free to use your incredible and vast imagination.

Next, place onions, carrots, potatoes, garlic, herbs, bay leaf, and chicken into a large bowl.  Pour wine over all to marinate for about an hour.  Meanwhile look into the mirror and admire your glowing confidence.  Take a picture while you're at it because friends and family are going to want to see your gorgeous face.  Everything that you want is going to happen for you - and soon!

Strain the chicken and vegetables, saving the marinade.  Heat a large skillet with some olive oil, and toss in the chicken and things, stirring them around until they are brown and as awesome as you.  Add a spoonful of tomato paste, and stir for a minute, then add the wine and mushrooms.  Simmer until the sauce has reduced to a silky goodness.  Season with salt and pepper and then eat either on mashed potatoes, rice, pasta or pureed cauliflower, making sure to share with others so that they will be able to admire your culinary superiority, because you rock.

Begrudging Chicken Picatta

Dear Reader,

I have received an email from "D."  Her issue, not really a problem, but definitely a concern, is something I think we can all relate to.  See for yourself:

Heather,

My best friend, who I've been best friends with since second grade, just got a really great job.  She is making $30,000 more than I am.  We had a little party to celebrate, but inside I really hate her.  She doesn't deserve this.  She's really lazy, she never did her homework in school, and she went to community college. I went to real college.  It's not fair, and I hate myself even more for hating her.

Fed up,

D.

Well, "D," I don't blame you.  People that are happy for the success of their friends are lying.  It is a natural human emotion to feel envy, in fact envy, and comparison to others, is what drives many to success.  The trick is to not beat yourself up about it.  Worse than the envy, is the anxiety you create by trying not to feel envy.  You'd be better off just saying, out loud, "Congratulations on the awesome new job, I am seething with jealousy, and hope you get fired just so I don't feel like such a loser."  Chances are your friend would laugh, and you would have gotten over this by now.  In the meantime, have some Chicken Picatta.

Begrudging Chicken Picatta

You will need:

Pencil

Paper

Chicken breasts, boneless, skinless

Butter

Olive oil

Wine

Nicoise Olives

Rice

Using pencil and paper, write down at least five things you have accomplished in your life.  If you can't come up with five, you may as well skip ahead to the wine.  Melt butter in a skillet with some olive oil.  Toss in chicken breasts in skillet to brown on both sides.  Remove chicken from skillet and poke at it with a sharp knife, not imagining it is your friend, of whom you are insanely jealous, but imagining it is your jealousy itself, in chicken form.  Drain off excess oil from pan.  Pour one glass of wine for yourself, and then about half a glass in the skillet, then add a chunk of butter.  Throw in the olives, season with salt and pepper.  Place chicken on a plate with some rice, and pour on the sauce, also dabbing a little bit behind your ears to attract good fortune.  Using pencil and paper, write down one realistic goal for yourself, such as, "Find underachieving friends of whom I can feel superior," or "Finish eating chicken."

Egyptian Freedom Chicken

If you are like me, watching people on television fighting for democracy provides more than just inspiration.  For example, watching women on the streets of Tehran a year ago prompted me to wear more eyeliner, and gave me an intense desire for Ghormeh Sabzi.  And now Egypt.  All week long I have been watching coverage of the crowd in Tahrir Square on televison, and following protesters on Twitter, dreaming of fava beans and tagines.  And just now, when Mubarak finally agreed to leave, I ran to my kitchen to make some Egyptian food, because today we can all be Egyptian.

Egyptian Freedom Chicken

I didn't actually have any chicken, and wanted to quickly whip this up, so as not to miss the celebration, so I used Quorn cutlets.  I put these in a pan with some olive oil, 1/4 tsp allspice, 1/4 tsp coriander, 1/4 tsp paprika and 1/2 tsp cumin.

The recipe called for onion, which I also did not have, so I used some shallot, and poured on 1/4 cup chicken stock.

Sizzle.

Next I added rice, which was leftover from last night's dinner.  Had I used uncooked rice, I would have used more stock.

The recipe called for currants, which I also do not have, so I used prunes.  Next, I added slivered almonds.

The recipe said to cover the whole thing with a tea towel, but I do not have a tea towel - certainly not one that is (at this moment) clean enough to involve in cooking.  So I just covered the pan in the usual manner.

Awesome.

This dish is really and truly delicious, was prepared in under ten minutes, and is the perfect accompaniment to revolution.  Enjoy before the chaos ensues.

Here you can find the recipe that I used.

World's Best Curry For Friday Night

Dear Reader,

If you are anything like me, you got exactly what you wanted for Christmas this year, and that was a really great curry powder.  Of course you can make your own curry, but it is certainly handy to have one around that doesn't have too much turmeric, which I can't stand.  Curry can be used on many, many foods, like nachos for example.  Yes, nachos!  Mix a little curry, cumin, Old Bay and chili powder together, and lightly dust chips covered with a combination of monterey jack and white cheddar.  TRUST ME.

I wrote a while back about the world's best curry that I was craving, and here it is.  It is the perfect food for when you've had a long week.  Which I assuredly have!

WORLD'S BEST CURRY FOR FRIDAY NIGHT

You will need:

Feel-good music
Sweatpants
Wooly socks
Large sweatshirt
Cocktail
Olive oil
Butter
Garlic
Ginger
Chicken
Onion
Potato
Tomato Paste
Peas
Prunes
Chicken stock
Cream

Come home from whatever you do all week.  If you are a person like myself who works at home, then just stay where you are.  Turn off the phone, put away your Blackberry/iPhone/Walkie-Talkie, lock the door.  Play some music that makes you feel good.  This is at your discretion, but something along the lines of this:

Remove work clothes and put on sweatpants, wooly socks, and large sweatshirt, unless you work at home like me, in which case don't change anything.  Pour yourself a large cocktail.  How about a nice vodka with soda and a splash of LimeAid?  Easy!  

Chop the onion, potato, really whatever vegetables you like.  Pour oil into a hot pan and add butter and some curry powder.  Add some minced ginger and garlic.  Again, I'm not giving you measurements because it is Friday and I'm not going to boss you around.  Add a squeeze, or a spoonful of tomato paste, depending on whether you have a tube or a can.  Stir it around.  Put in cubed chicken breasts - if you want to use something else, fine!  Make it all veggie, use lamb, use Quorn Tenders, use the hamster you accidentally bought the kids for Christmas.  Everything is good in this curry.  Put the chicken into the pan to brown, add onions and potatoes.  If you like a lot of onions, use a lot.  If you hate them, throw them out the window.  When the onions are soft, add a glug or two of chicken stock.  Season with salt and pepper.  Throw in some frozen peas, unless you are a masochist, and then by all means shell your own damn peas!  Now add prunes.  You can just add a few, or a lot.  You can chop them small, but I like them whole and little less than one fourth the amount of prunes as chicken.  Simmer everything until you are confident it is all cooked, and the potatoes are soft, and the prunes are kind of falling apart.  Add a swig of cream.  Stir it around.  Simmer again for a bit.  Serve over rice.

Park yourself in front of the television and watch whatever you like to watch.  For me that would be the best show on television, I Shouldn't Be Alive, which makes me feel less guilty that I am sitting in front of the tv in my comfy pants eating curry, and not out trying to sail around the world with my children or trek through the Amazon by myself, followed by Intervention which reminds me that even though I may be on my third vodka with LimeAid, at least I'm not drinking the Listerine.

Buy The Book TODAY!

Dear Reader,

Here is an example of a letter I receive from across this great nation on a daily basis:

Dear Heather,

I have been following the tantalizing morsels you have provided, and really want to get the book – when is it coming out?

Eating my feelings in Sheboygan,
Theresa


Well Theresa, the long wait is over! The book is on sale today! Personally I will be congratulating myself with a huge I Wrote A Book And It Is On Sale Today In Bookstores Everywhere Chicken Salad Sandwich on a Raisin Bagel With a Side of Tequila. Cheers!