Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Rice Pudding For American Idol Rejects

Dear Reader,

It's that time of year again!  Time for American Idol!  This year finds new faces, more excitement and the same painful performances by contestants seemingly culled from homes for the disturbed, degenerate and delusional.  If your dreams have just been shattered to the amusement and delight of twenty-five million people, this velvety treat is sure to soothe your broken ego.  Enjoy!

Rice Pudding for American Idol Rejects

You will need:

New look
1 cup white rice
1 cup sugar
2 Tbs. butter
1 tsp. vanilla
1/4 tsp. salt
2 eggs
New dreams
1 cup heavy cream
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/8 tsp. nutmeg

Begin by taking a long hard look in a full-length mirror.  It is time to rethink the body glitter, lace up gloves, purple cape and giant red Smurf boots.  Sorry.  None of these clothing items are salvageable, so just throw them in the garbage.  Also place in garbage capes that you wear on other days.  In a medium saucepan, bring to a boil milk, rice, sugar, vanilla, butter and salt.  Reduce heat the way that Kara reduced you to tears with her cavalier, "Thorry thweetie, you theem like a nithe kid.  Thith ith jutht not for you." Simmer the pudding for an hour while you fire all of your vocal coaches.  ALL OF THEM.  Even the one that drives from the big city to meet you at the rest area near Exit 22 and lets you pay him just by sitting in his lap.

Go to front lawn to retrieve any eggs that were unbroken when the neighbors threw them at your house.  Crack two of them into a bowl and whisk.  Mix a small amount of rice, perhaps equal to the size of Simon's balls, the outline of which are clearly visible through his European jeans (they don't show that on TV!) into the eggs.  Then mix eggs into the rest of the pudding and add the cream.  Wonder if Kara ever eats rice pudding.  Probably not.

Pour into a baking dish and sprinkle with cinnamon and nutmeg.  Place in refrigerator and recall with glee how cold Victoria Beckham was to Kara.  Ha! Kara was trying so hard to make friends and Posh was having none of it!  Decide to sing Wannabe for next year's audition.


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