Linguine alla Lindsay Lohan

Dear Reader,

Yesterday an article in the news was brought to my attention:

Never mind that the girl is still skinny, if Lindsay wants to eat her feelings - I'm the gal to help her!  So, Linds, have some more linguine!  Enjoy!

Linguine alla Lindsay Lohan

You will need:

linguine
vodka
AA sponsor
lip gloss
35 ounce can plum tomatoes
Matt Bernson KM Gladiator Sandals
sunscreen
1/4 cup heavy cream
1/4 cup olive oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 cup Parmigiano-Reggiano

Come inside, out of the sun for crying out loud!  Don't you have enough freckles?  You're like twenty-two years old and you look about thirty-five.  Slather on the sunscreen girlfriend!  Pour yourself a vodka to relax.  Phone AA sponsor and tell her you're doing just fine, but if she wants to stay on your payroll, she's going to have to do some light housework for you.

Don't try to cook the pasta in the hot tub again - it will clog the jets.  Do it on the stove.  While it is cooking, pour the olive oil into a large pan and toss in the garlic.  Open the can of tomatoes and squeeze them between your hands - wait! Wash your hands first or the whole thing will taste like sunscreen, cocaine and Marlboro Lights!  Then squeeze in the tomatoes and their juice to break them up.  Season with salt and crushed red pepper and leave it on the stove to simmer while you reapply the lip gloss.  Make sure paparazzi are outside.  If they are not, call AA sponsor again and tell her to get her act together and call some.  When photographers arrive, puff up lips and put on your Matt Bernson KM Gladiator sandals.

Matt Bernson KM Gladiator sandals.

Again.

And... again.  Super cute!

Go outside and take off your clothes or enjoy a walk on the beach with one of those dudes that have been hanging around since November.

Go back inside - the sun!!! Pour two glasses of vodka - one for yourself just to calm your nerves, and one for the sauce.  Next add the cream to the sauce and drain the pasta.  The strands of linguine will bring to mind your scraggy ex-girlfriend so have a nervous breakdown right there on the kitchen floor.  When you're done, have another vodka and dump the pasta into the sauce.  Put it all into a large tureen and top with Parmigiano-Reggiano.  Take tureen into closet, sauna or other dark place and eat entirety.  Wonder where it all went wrong.