Last night America crowned a new queen, and our new Miss America is a lovely lady from Virginia. The pageant last night offered many entertainments, particularly in the talent portion of the competition. Miss Nebraska memorably jazz-danced to Legally Blonde in underpants that matched her purse, and you're never going to guess what Miss Hawaii did for her talent. Hula dancing! For real! Seriously, is there any way to determine good hula dancing from average hula dancing? I can't tell. My five year old daughter could do what Miss Hawaii did last night, if I allowed her to watch it.
We all remember the controversy surrounding the question and answer portion of the Miss USA pageant, so I thought I would offer my answers for the questions put to our country's "brightest" young ladies.
1) Sports stars like Tiger Woods can get millions of dollars for endorsements. Do we have a right to expect them to be positive role models?
No. I think a big problem in society right now, particularly with kids, is that they put way too much emphasis on fame and celebrity, to the point that the pursuit of fame is a viable career path regardless of perceivable talent. I think the Tiger Woods saga offers the perfect opportunity to say to our children, "You see? That guy is really good at golf, but he's a total loser when it comes to everything else." I would rather my children look up to people like this as their heroes.
2) We live in an age where we are not only U.S. citizens, but members of the international community. Should learning foreign languages be emphasized in our schools?
Absolutely. Beginning in kindergarten children should learn Spanish, as it is much easier for kids to learn new languages than adults. Also learning languages improves math ability and we all know that most American kids could use some help in that area. Then in middle school kids should be able to choose a third language to master. Only a moron would not want their kids to be multi-lingual.
3) The Miss America Organization promotes healthy choices and fitness, yet teen obesity has become a growing health problem for our nation. What should be done to get our young people back on track?
This is a huge issue and very complicated, as the cheapest food choices are also the most unhealthy. But I think Miss Virginia had the right idea by telling parents to turn off the TV and video games, but more importantly don't feed your kids junk food. Duh. Anyway it's not just American youth that have an obesity problem. We are basically a country of lardasses.
4) Are social networks like Facebook a safe and healthy way for our young kids to engage socially?
Sort of. It's a great way to keep in touch with people that are far away, but it's also a great way for someone to post a photo of you doing naked keg stands and get you kicked off the track team.
5) Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol. Even when he's right his criticism can be very mean. When you're trying to help someone what's better - tough love or being gentle?
I don't particularly like it when Simon is mean to the kids that are on leave from the psych ward. But not everyone is good at everything, and sometimes, when I go to the theater for example, I wish that I could BOO.
6) The U.S. leads the international community in sending emergency aid to Haiti, why should we send money abroad when we're facing so many problems at home?
Because there are kids having their legs amputated with no anesthesia, you selfish woman. Donate here.
7) Mark McGuire and other athletes have admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. Should athelets who use drugs be banned from sports for life?
Yes. That's cheating, and a fine or suspension is clearly no deterrent. On the other hand, I think that kid, Shaun White, aka The Flying Tomato, should have been given an extra medal for kicking ass in snowboarding even though he was stoned out of his mind.
So that's it. Did I win? Oh my god! Oh my god! Thank you Jesus! This is NUTS!