Friday, November 20, 2009

Veal a la Volturi

Never mind the fact that New Moon has far too much of werewolves running around with their pants tied to their ankles with a little strap that they probably pee all over, today is November 20th!  Finally!  Women and their daughters have been waiting for this day for over a year, because today is the day we are reunited with our beloved Edward Cullen.  To endure the long wait on line at the movie theater, and build up your stamina for all the heart pounding, I offer you Veal a la Volturi.  Enjoy.

Veal a la Volturi

You will need:

Body glitter
1 large can tomatoes
Dried basil
1 Tbs. butter
3 Tbs. olive oil
2 veal chops
1 clove garlic, minced
1 onion, thinly sliced
Dried oregano
Dry red wine
Bay leaf
Diversion for boyfriend/ husband

Rub yourself all over with body glitter and stand in the sun.  When people start to stare, look longingly at them then abruptly leave.  Remove veal chops from refrigerator, or alternately, from small cow you have slaughtered to thwart temptation to feed on humans.  Pound chops thin with your amazing vampire muscles, cold as marble and strong as thunder.

In a skillet, heat butter and 1 Tbs. olive oil and saute onions until translucent as the skin of Aro, ancient Volturi who knows you are making this veal right now and planning on going to the movies later.  Add the tomatoes and simmer for two minutes.  Then take the dried herbs in your fingers and crush them easily into a powder, as you would a boulder.  Toss them into the pot with the minced garlic.

Get boyfriend/ husband out of the house and spend a little time on the computer looking at this, this, this and this.  Sigh.

Place remaining 2 Tbs. olive oil into another skillet and brown chops all over.  Then lay them gently, as if laying in a misty flowering meadow, and cover with red wine.  Let the wine pour all over them, running down the supple flesh.  Drink some wine yourself, feeling the rush of it burning past your throat, satisfying an overwhelming urge deep inside you and feeding you with life itself.  Add a bay leaf.

Simmer until most of the wine has reduced and enjoy while looking at this.


  1. Finally, someone who knows that it's okay to be sarcastic about Twilight.

    Of course, the recipe also looks delicious. Can't wait to break out my body glitter.

  2. I really like Twilight, I admit it! Reading this made me giggle. I'd love to give this a try, I just need to use a butter substitute since I'm lactose intolerant.

    Great fun!

  3. Love this! Vampire approved. I mean, why am I leaving a comment about something to do with Twilight. I don't even know what the hell it is. And no, I haven't read the books (those books on my night table are just decorative) and I haven't seen the movies (who the heck is RPatz?).

  4. I think that the whole vampire theme is getting old, that new moon movie is like a soap opera of vampires, next one is going to be a movie of racing vampires, all with super cars, nitrous, etc.

  5. hahaha very funny, is amazing how stuff like this spread very fast in young people, specially in women, some of them just go the movies to watch this guy playing his role of a vampire that shines under the light...


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