Edward Cullen's Pumpkin Pie

Dear Reader,

As I finish the preparations for Thanksgiving, I am of course wondering, what would Edward Cullen enjoy in the way of desserts?  Of course, Edward hasn't eaten anything since 1918, but we are all nostagic for the food of our youth, so I turned to The Century Cookbook, published the very year Edward was born, 1901, to bring you this tasty treat.

Edward Cullen's Pumpkin Pie

Ingredients

• 1 pumpkin
• 2 cupfuls of milk
• 1 teaspoonful of salt
• 1 teaspoonful of butter
• 1 teaspoonful of cinnamon
• 1 teaspoonful of ginger
• 1 tablespoonful of molasses
• 2 eggs
• sugar

Instructions

Cut a pumpkin into small pieces; remove the soft part and seeds. Cover and cook it slowly in its own steam until tender; then remove the cover and reduce it almost to dryness, using care that it does not burn. Press it through a colander. To two and one half cupfuls of pulp add the milk, salt, butter, cinnamon, ginger, molasses, eggs, and sugar to taste. Add the beaten eggs last and after the mixture is cold. Pour it into an open crust and bake slowly forty to fifty minutes. Squash pies are made in the same way, but are not the same in flavor, although they are often given the name of pumpkin pies.

You can serve this after Thanksgiving dinner, and nobody has to know that you are fantasizing about Edward Cullen eating your pie.

Veal a la Volturi

Never mind the fact that New Moon has far too much of werewolves running around with their pants tied to their ankles with a little strap that they probably pee all over, today is November 20th!  Finally!  Women and their daughters have been waiting for this day for over a year, because today is the day we are reunited with our beloved Edward Cullen.  To endure the long wait on line at the movie theater, and build up your stamina for all the heart pounding, I offer you Veal a la Volturi.  Enjoy.

Veal a la Volturi

You will need:

Body glitter

1 large can tomatoes

Dried basil

1 Tbs. butter

3 Tbs. olive oil

2 veal chops

1 clove garlic, minced

1 onion, thinly sliced

Dried oregano

Dry red wine

Bay leaf

Diversion for boyfriend/ husband

Rub yourself all over with body glitter and stand in the sun.  When people start to stare, look longingly at them then abruptly leave.  Remove veal chops from refrigerator, or alternately, from small cow you have slaughtered to thwart temptation to feed on humans.  Pound chops thin with your amazing vampire muscles, cold as marble and strong as thunder.

In a skillet, heat butter and 1 Tbs. olive oil and saute onions until translucent as the skin of Aro, ancient Volturi who knows you are making this veal right now and planning on going to the movies later.  Add the tomatoes and simmer for two minutes.  Then take the dried herbs in your fingers and crush them easily into a powder, as you would a boulder.  Toss them into the pot with the minced garlic.

Get boyfriend/ husband out of the house and spend a little time on the computer looking at this, this, this and this.  Sigh.

Place remaining 2 Tbs. olive oil into another skillet and brown chops all over.  Then lay them gently, as if laying in a misty flowering meadow, and cover with red wine.  Let the wine pour all over them, running down the supple flesh.  Drink some wine yourself, feeling the rush of it burning past your throat, satisfying an overwhelming urge deep inside you and feeding you with life itself.  Add a bay leaf.

Simmer until most of the wine has reduced and enjoy while looking at this.

Salade de Tomate

Dear Reader,

This week has been a doozy for me! I came down with the most dreadful cold and could do nothing but lie in my bed all day surrounded by Theraflu and Puffs Plus, with nobody to take care of me as my husband was out of town “on business.” What’s a girl to do in those circumstances but order up a good movie on demand? My choice was Twilight. And, oh what a can of worms did I open! I watched the movie straight through ten times in twenty-four hours switching to Day-Quil shots and diet Red Bull chasers to keep me from falling asleep before the movie expired. In the morning, I had no choice but to venture out and buy the whole ridiculous and addictive teen-aged romance saga, and also a copy of the DVD to keep for my very own. Needless to say, all this worked up quite an appetite, so I whipped up this Salade for lunch. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. And now I must get back to the books.

Yours most sincerely,

Heather

Salade de Tomate for Frustrated Grown Ups Obsessed with Fictional Teen-age Vampires

You will need:

Tomatoes
Youtube
The complete Twilight series (book two optional as concerns mostly werewolves, bo-ring)
DVD of Twilight

When husband/ wife or significant other and any children you may have collected leave house, begin by coating face with a thick layer of white pancake makeup. Stick head in freezer for ten minutes to make it nice and icy like Edward Cullen’s. Take in hand one firm, ripe, blood red tomato. Raise it to your icy face and give it a good sniff, inhaling its scent. Then gently caress the tomato with just your fingertips the way that Edward Cullen does to Bella for one thousand sexually frustrating pages. Resist urge to bite tomato and instead, do a search on YouTube for Edward Cullen + sexy. Watch three of the many photomontages set to the music of Josh Groban, Kanye West and Miley Cyrus.

By this time your face has probably warmed up, so stick it back in the freezer for a few minutes, then fire up the DVD player and pop in your copy of the newly released Twilight. Fast forward to the meadow scene. Watch this three or four times as desired, then move on to the scene in her bedroom when Edward tries to kiss her and says in his icy-breath-teen-idol-vampire-that-can-dazzle-you-with-his-smouldering-eyes voice, “Don’t move-“ for fear he may devour her whole. Watch this scene at least six times, but no more then twelve or else extreme sexual frustration will ensue. Now quickly skip ahead to the prom scene. Not the whole thing, just the part in the gazebo where you think that maybe Edward and Bella are finally going to get it on – if it’s not gonna be in the sack, couldn’t he at least bite her, for crying out loud. Watch this as many times as you like.

Refreeze face and, while prom scene is playing, follow through where teenage vampire spawned from the imagination of a Mormon author cannot. Hold tomato to your icy lips and, with your teeth, pierce the skin. Bury your face in the tomato (harder to do if all you have on hand is cherry tomatoes) as you suck all the juice from its flesh. Clean yourself up, and try to act your age. And in future, if you are going to read racy novels, make sure the characters are adults and that they like to get craaaaaaazy.