Monday, November 23, 2009

Drunken Grandma Cranberry Sauce

Dear Reader,

It's that time of year again!  If your family is anything like mine, the holidays mean many things- coming together, family and that Grandma is hitting the sauce pretty hard.  This year, hit her back - not literally  - a broken hip is expensive!  But with a little sauce of the cranberry variety.

Drunken Grandma Cranberry Sauce

You will need:

1 bag fresh cranberries
3/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
Orange peel
Robert Goulet records

First, figure out where she has hidden the vodka.  Check the garage, the bathroom and her socks.  If you can't find it, try to remove Cosmo from Grandma's hand.  Be careful because the arthritis has made her fist into a pretty tight claw, and those fingers are brittle!  If it is not possible to remove tumbler, lure her over to the stove by asking to hear her stories about how much fun they had during the war.  When she is not expecting it, knock into her so the Cosmo in her glass tips into a measuring cup.

Grandma's yelling is going to frighten the children, so tell them Grandma just heard that some of them have been naughty, and she's going to get them if they don't sit quietly and wait for dinner.

In a sauce pot, heat cranberries with a half cup of water and the sugar.  Bring to a boil like Grandma's temper.  Play some Robert Goulet records and offer to dance with her to calm her down.  To get her out of your hair, spin her around really quickly so that she needs to go lie on the couch.  Lower the heat and simmer for 15 minutes while she "closes her eyes."

Pour sauce into a mixing bowl to cool.  Conspire with other family members while Grandma is sleeping.  A fun game is to switch names!  And calling Grandma "Jack" is sure to lead to hours of confusing fun after dinner!

When sauce is cool, stir in Grandma's Cosmo and garnish with orange peel.  To keep children from eating this sauce, stick a Brussels Sprout on top.  Enjoy with turkey, stuffing or a beer chaser.


  1. Ahahah this seriously made me laugh. Great post for pre-Thanksgiving! I'll have to try it!

  2. So. Appropriate. Can't wait to make for Grandma...hehe.

  3. So hilarious!!! I am not a huge fan of cooking but could really get into it with recipes that make me laugh. Brilliant!!
    Jennifer O'Brien

  4. This recipe looks great. can't wait to make it for Thanksgiving!

  5. I've never been good at sticking to the letter of the law on recipes. Is there anything that I could substitute Robert Goulet with? Perhaps a rerun of Lawrence Welk Show?

  6. Ray,

    Yes! I'm glad you asked! Feel free to substitute Robert Goulet with Wayne Newton, Anne Murray or, depending on age and agility of Grandma, Tom Jones. Happy Thanksgiving!


  7. MMM this looks very yummy. And I suppose it also applies to Dads and Uncles participating in the saucing as well.


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