I have had another letter that demands my attention! See for yourself:
Last summer I got engaged to my boyfriend
Oh, Denise. These feelings, the impatience with your boyfriend; your disgust at the way he eats; the utter disdain for his lack of intelligence and fascination with boyhood culture, are all completely normal. Unfortunately this knowledge usualy comes to a lady after five or six years of marriage. Your eyes have been opened too soon! Never fear, I can help. By the time your wedding date rolls around, Josh will have headed for the hills with his Sasquatch brethren. For you I offer:
Poached Eggs Brulee to Avoid a Terrible Mistake
You Will Need:
When fiance goes to bed at night, eat beets. Eat at least one pound of beets, some of them boiled and some raw, like an apple. If you start to feel sick, picture dressing your future children for their school pictures and combing their throat hair. Choke down those beets! In morning, when you begin to feel effects of beets in the form of visible gas rising in your abdomen, stand very near finace and let loose. When he wakes with a start in a cold sweat, terrified, wink at him and head to kitchen.
Heat a pan of water and get ready to boil his eggs. Add in a hefty glug of grapefruit juice and a generous pinch of turmeric. When the water is boiling, crack in his eggs. Don't try any chef tricks to keep them together in the pot - the messier the better! While his eggs boil you have a little time, so make yourself look as much like your mother as possible. For me this involves donning a blue suit with a matching blue pump on one foot and black loafer on the other, and always Loreal A La Mauve on the lips.
Down a Coca-Cola before he sits down to breakfast. Use phrases like, "Sooo glad I can just let it all hang out now that we're getting married," and, "It's such a relief to just be me!" and if you should have sex, "Sooo much better than masturbating," punctuated by belches from Coke.
Take his eggs out while the whites are still nauseatingly translucent. Place them on a plate and top with a good amount of sugar. If the turmeric hasn't make them yellow enough, drip a bit of green food coloring in the center of each. Turn on the blowtorch and stomp around the kitchen with it while you point out all of the projects he has started and not finished, with increasing anger, farting beets for added emphasis.
Go to bathroom and chug Ipecac. Vomit in center of kitchen. Burn the sugar on top of eggs to make a nice crust. Serve him this dish explaining that it is not part of a "diet plan" but a "lifestyle change." Wait.