Writer's Block Snackstravaganza

Writer’s Block Snackstravaganza

You will need:

Cupboard.

Writing implement

Refrigerator

To begin, go to cupboard.  Decide that you have far too many coffee mugs with silly sayings on them.  Throw them in the garbage.  Go to writing implement and sit, holding it in hand.

Put down writing implement.  Go to refrigerator.  Stand before the open fridge and survey its contents, looking perhaps for something left there by elves.  Hmmmm... Have one chocolate pudding cup.  Go back to writing implement, pick it up and put it on paper.  Tap against paper for 2 – 3 minutes, or until you want to jump out the window. 

Go to computer and try and look for inspiration by surfing celebrity gossip and photo websites.  Consider writing something about Nicole Kidman.  Begin by writing, “Nicole was standing on line at the supermarket, just like regular folks…” tear paper off notebook, discard, and go to refrigerator.  Before refrigerator, look for something that may have appeared by magic since the last time you were there.  Nope, nothing.  Look in cupboard, grab handful of almonds and go back to writing implement.  Notice dull, incessant thumping of music coming from slacker neighbor’s apartment.

Go back to computer and visit www.LiftMagic.com.  Upload photo of yourself to see how you might look after various plastic surgeries, should you ever be able to afford plastic surgery.  Go to refrigerator; find one piece Swiss cheese, one piece bologna, salami or other lunchmeat, and one pickle.  Layer bologna on top of cheese and place pickle in center, spread a bit of mayo and a bit of mustard on either side of pickle, roll up and eat.  Return to writing implement, and begin, “Nicole held the Swiss cheese, limp and full of holes, just like she was beginning to feel about Johnny’s alibi for the night Mike the Fish was gunned down in cold blood outside Pizza Hut.”  Put down writing implement and go to refrigerator.

Pour one glass root beer and return to writing implement, but do not pick up.  Instead, remove atlas from nearby shelf, and hurl against neighbor’s wall.  Pick up atlas and flip through while waiting to think of something to write about.  Pick up writing implement and begin, “Nicole lived in the High Tatra Mountains which lie in Poland and Slovakia and form part of the Carpathian Mountains.  The tallest peak is 8,710 feet high, which sometimes left Nicole dizzy and gasping for air…” Go back to cupboard and find container microwavable Beefaroni.  Prepare according to package directions and eat.  Return to writing implement.

Put down writing implement, go to computer and visit www.sothebysrealty.com.  Browse homes in exotic locations that would surely provide more inspiration for your projects.  Rethink decision to abandon coffee mugs.  Fish the one with all the Presidents on it out of the garbage as it comes in handy when doing crossword puzzles.  Return to refrigerator and eat four baby carrots dipped in jar of black bean dip.  Put writing implement away, go to couch, comfy chair or floor, lie flat on your back and sleep six to eight hours, as desired.

Before.

After.

Something cool

Thanks to Anna for alerting me to The Geometry of Pasta.  There aren't many things I love more than pasta.  Super cool website, and looks like a good book.  Enjoy!

Drink Your Feelings

Dear Reader,
I have had another letter, this time from Samantha in Portland, Maine.

"...I quit my job when I had kids, thinking it was best for them that I stay home. But now they're in school and I'm home by myself with nothing to do but housework. Am I really going to spend my life cleaning? I need something to take away my boredom."

Samantha, you are certainly not alone, the tediousness of taking care of children (and husbands) has led many women to turn to Mommy's Little Helper, aka Vodka. Cheers.

Bored Housewife

You will need:

Swiffers

Vodka

Duct tape

Dance Music

Pickled Onions

After dropping kids at school, swing by liquor store for a quart of vodka. Make sure to say, “It’s for later,” at the checkout. Say it at least three times, loudly, so that everyone in the store will hear you. Once home, pour three jiggers vodka in a large tumbler. Put on dance music from the 80’s such as Duran Duran, Soft Cell or Dexy's Midnight Runners.

Place two Swiffers on floor and use duct tape to fashion into shoes. Drop several pickled onions into vodka and, if desired, a small amount of brine. Drink while dancing around house cleaning floors. If you should catch sight of yourself in mirrors, add two more jiggers vodka to glass before calling stay-at-home dad next door over for a game of seven minutes in heaven.

Martha Stewart Boozily Reminisces About Mad Men, Bikinis and Fried Chicken

Dear Reader,
I have made no secret of my adoration of Martha Stewart.  But if there is one thing I love even more than uber bakers, it is snarky drunks.  Who knew that Martha was such a sassy saucer?!  Watch from the 3:30 mark.

Extreme Makeover: Husband Edition

Dear Reader,

I have had a letter from Grosse Point:

Dear Heather,
My husband and I have a sex life that can only be called lackluster.  He just doesn't seem interested and when I try and talk to him about it he just sits in front of the television watching Desperate Housewives.  It is really frustrating!  Last night I tried to ignite some romance with candles and a sexy nightie and he had a huge fit and said that he couldn't stand for one more minute to look at our ugly duvet which didn't even match the sham.  All he ever wants to do is tidy up the house.  What can I do?
Thank you,
Sue Ann

Oh, Sue Ann.  Here is the problem.  Your husband is gay.  He is not going to want to have sex with you ever.  But why not let him pick out some modern bedding for your boudoir?  Think of him as your own personal Nate Berkus.  I'm sure many many women would gladly trade in their husbands for one of those.  Cook up a big pot of my Mom's Old Fashioned Chicken Soup For Closet Cases to enjoy in your stylish new home!

The Great Big Fat New York State Fair

Dear Reader,

Last week my husband and I took the kids to upstate New York to visit family and spend a little time at the GREAT NEW YORK STATE FAIR.  Oh, what a time we had!

We were greeted not only by this large sign, but by people who gave us free tickets! Nice!

First stop the Time Warner Cable exhibit?

Here my kids pretend to read the weather forecast.  According to them the weather was "a lovely day, although it might rain.  But basically a lovely day."

Everyone knows that the State Fair offers many culinary delights.  This one features Tootsies, which if I am not mistaken, is toes.

These dancers were surely not the best New York State has to offer.  Whoever booked them needs to look a little harder next year.  I wouldn't even give them a blue ribbon for effort, as by the way they kept giggling and rolling their eyes, they seemed to think they looked pretty silly, too.

Finally some real entertainment!  Over the loudspeaker we heard that this giant rat consumes pounds and pounds of food and gallons of water each day!  Also we were warned of the terror and chaos that would ensue if the giant rat were to escape!

It's HUGE!

But it's not a rat.  It is a Capybara, which is a furry little pig-like thing, a rodent, but not a rat.  This led to a near argument, because someone was under the impression the Capybara was extinct.  They are not.  Clearly.

All that rat talk made us hungry!  First up, this creamy, tangy coleslaw that was topped by a mysterious brown powder of dubious origins.

What could this gentleman be waiting on line for?

A delicious Chardonnay!  Whoever was supposed to inflate that Labatt's bottle did not give it their best effort.

This New Yorker proudly shows us her disgusting candy.

Someone stole all the cows!  They didn't clean up after the missing bovines, as evidenced by the turds all over our shoes.  Not a day for flip flops.

"Never miss an opportunity to stick your head in a hole." That is the motto my children live by.

Humongous pig balls caused quite a stir.

Sweet mommy pig and her piglets kind of make you want to pet them!

Doh!  Perhaps they underestimate that pig by saying she doesn't know any better.  Perhaps the pig can read the other signs posted above her pen:

 

This child was warned, "Don't get the snot on your sleeve."

"It feels good to them, just like when you go to a wedding, and you got all the hairspray up in your hair, and you go to sleep after and wake up in the morning, and it is crusty and like it's got gunk in it, and you give it a wash."  Exactly.

Time to walk the Alpaca!

  

Disappointing fries.  They cut that potato right in front of us, but should have fried it longer.  Soggy. Bleh.

 

Call me a snob, but I think Candy Apples should only be one flavor: red.  He could not be discouraged.

 

Nor could he be discouraged from participating in the magic show, even though his participation involved the donning of a filthy cap and goggles, and the magician smelled like vinegar.

 

Proud gay parents.

 

Congratulations Taylor on your prize winning pickles!

 

Blue ribbon pickles are fine, but this was deemed a "valuable work of art."

 

Another work of art depicting a man giving birth to a watermelon.

 

Next we picked up chicks.

 

Second place?!  I would like to see the winning peppers.

 

Sleepy 4H-er.

 

Surely this is against the law.

 

The "Fun Shoot" photo display.  They shot something, then they ate it.  Fun!

 

This is the creepiest thing I saw all day.

 

Kristin Chenoweth look out!  This spunky kid belted out New York, New York with lots of emotion and jazzy moves.

 

This was by far, the most tasty thing eaten at the State Fair.  We had gone to get baked potatoes, but found the line snaking all through the Horticulture Building, while nobody at all was waiting at the stand featuring tomato products.  We ordered up the sandwich to end all sandwiches.  Two slices of perfectly toasted, thick white bread slathered with pesto mayonnaise, crisp chunky slices of Vidalia onion, lettuce, and perfectly ripe tomatoes sprinkled with sea salt and fresh pepper.  Simple, yes, but oh so tasty.  We had two.  Each.

 

Sadly our time at the State Fair had come to an end and it was time to get back on the bus that would take us to New Hampshire, where the parking lot was located.  Someone tried to cut in front of us saying she, "had to be in the PARADE!" But we kicked her to the back of the line.  Our apologies if anyone was really looking forward to her participation in the parade.

New Product!

Dear Reader,

I am on vacation, driving around upstate New York listening to XM Radio, and have been bombarded by advertisements for this product.  What is it? A cream? A powder? Why, why why?