Ham Souffle for a High School Reunion

Dear Reader,

Apologies, but it has taken me some time to process this whole high school reunion thing.  First off, it was completely overwhelming.  The first hour was spent having the same two minute conversation thirty times.  And then one thing became painfully evident - people don't change.  If you were a douchebag in high school, chances are you're still a douchebag.  A fat, balding douchebag.  The one exception to this rule is nerds.  Nerds are great.  If you were a dorky nerd in high school, chances are good that you look better than ever - perhaps due to high earning potential resulting from proficiency in math and computer science, and chances are even better that you've got a winning personality, having honed your wit to prevent being stuffed in a locker.  Whatever stereotype you fit into in high school, I offer you not only something delicious to eat, but also some tips should you attend your own reunion.  Enjoy.

Ham Souffle for a High School Reunion

You will need:

Honesty

Parmesan cheese

1 cup milk

2 1/2 Tbs. butter

3 Tbs. flour

1/2 tsp. salt

4 egg yolks

Facial 

5 egg whites

1 cup shredded Gruyere cheese

1 cup diced Prosciutto

Limo

Photographer

Look yourself in the eye, either by standing in front of a mirror or by staring at a recent photo of yourself, and honestly answer the question, "Have I ever been happier than I was in high school?"  If the answer is, "Are you kidding?  Of course I have!  High school was alright, but kind of a nightmare sometimes."  You'll be fine.  If you answer,  "Of course not.  High school was the absolute most best time of my life.  Everybody loved me.  I ruled the school and all those dorks wished they could be just like me," get ready, because your upcoming reunion is going to be a very BIG NIGHT for  you, and you've got work to do.

Begin with your body.  It's true that nobody looks the same as they did in high school, but trust me, some of these stay-at-home moms have been doing non-stop Pilates instead of rooting around in the fridge like you have.  Spare no expense and put yourself on a juice fast starting right after you eat the delicious souffle that is as full of ham as your campaign for Student Council President.  Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Call old high school friends to see who is planning on attending, and most important - what they will be wearing!  Grease a souffle dish with butter, dabbing a little bit around the eyes to soften your crow's feet.  Pour Parmesan cheese into the dish and tilt to coat all over.  Speaking of coats, do an assessment of your marriage.  If it is falling apart before your eyes, purchase a gigantic jewel or great big fur coat to distract from your evident loneliness.  Warm the milk in a pot.

In a large saucepan, melt the butter over low heat and stir in the flour.  Whisk vigorously for two or three minutes to tighten and tone your wobbly triceps, then pour in the milk and keep whisking until as thick as your high school boyfriend's skull.  Season with salt and add the yolks one at a time as you remember all your greatest moments - when three boys on the lacrosse team asked you to the prom; the talent show where you received a standing ovation for your hilarious send up of Principal Foster; the graduation party your parents threw - 4 kegs!  Set saucepan aside to cool.

Whip the egg whites until stiff, then fold into the yolk mixture alternately with Gruyere and Prosciutto.  Pour into the prepared dish and decide what to wear.  Obviously this will be determined by your household income and your sense of self-worth.  If you are fortunate to have come from a wealthy family, make a list of all that your wealth has allowed you to accomplish for yourself and the world.  If you spend part of the year, say, handing out mosquito nets in Uganda, then it really won't matter to you.  However, if you spend part of the year in St. Barths and the other part hanging around the house and shopping, what you wear makes a big difference!  Keep it understated, to minimize your selfishness.

Pop souffle into oven and turn the heat down to 375.  Bake until golden brown and puffed up like your high school boyfriend is now.  Eat entirety while reading old yearbooks and crying.  Do not forget the old adage: The less you have to offer, the more you have to prove!  Depending on how sloppy drunk and slutty you acted the last time you saw these people, the more time you are going to want to spend with your hot rollers.  Book daily sessions with a personal trainer, a facial and hire a limo to take you to the prom, I mean reunion.  Also book a professional photographer, because this is going to be the last great night of your life.  Well, for the next ten years anyway.

Survival Guide

Dear Reader,

Many of you will be forced in the coming months to endure one of the most difficult trials of a person’s life. Events so tragic and memories so horrific that will be burned forever onto your psyche and require years of therapy and prescription drugs to absorb. I am speaking of course of the dreaded Family Reunion. These procedures are fraught with tension and conflict; it helps to have low expectations and to know what you are getting into beforehand. Don’t make the mistake of thinking the reunion is going to be a vacation, a party, or indeed, any fun at all. Oh, no. It will be none of these, my friend. I have created a sample timeline of a day in the life of a family reunion to help you arm yourself for the event.

The Family Reunion: Day 1

7:30 AM Wake to niece and nephew dive bombing you and screaming something about a canoe.

8:00 AM Depart for worst canoe trip ever. Niece and nephew scream and fight over who gets to help paddle, causing the canoe to tip over and you to dive in and rescue drowning children under the scornful watch of older sister who didn’t trust you to take them canoeing in the first place.

9:00 AM Suddenly get urge to take up jogging just to get out of the house for a bit. Run four miles or until you throw up.

11:00 AM Dementia-addled Grandma doesn’t know your name. Tell her that you are the lesbian lover of your brother’s wife. When she asks who your brother is, tell her that he is Charles Lindbergh.

12:00 LUNCH! Finally. Make sure to provide only vegetarian food so that everyone will stay home next year.

1:45 PM Accidentally walk in on awkward tween cousin Bart holding a photo of Hannah Montana with his pants down in the bathroom. Mutter something – anything! And get out quick.

2:00 PM Uncle Fred leaves to go “find things in the garage from last year.” Do NOT, under any circumstances, go with him.

2:45 PM Catch Tara, your 13 year-old second cousin (or something) reading Breaking Dawn. Bond with her over Edward Cullen obsession. Try on her t-shirt with the Cullen Family Crest on it. Show her the photos of Robert Pattinson you have downloaded to your iPhone. Catch glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Next to her taut and dewy face, yours looks like an old leather bag.

3:30 PM Start drinking. Drinking at a family reunion can be a steady all day event that passes totally unnoticed if planned right. The older folks probably start earlier as they go to bed early, so have a cocktail when they do. Your parents will start with a drink around dinner, so switch to whatever they are drinking at that time. After dinner everyone has a drink, so you’re safe then. When the others go to bed, the teenagers will be shot gunning beers in the basement. As long as you promise to buy them more tomorrow, they won’t mind you joining in.

6:00 PM Dinner. Without making eye contact, be sure Bart has washed his hands. Gorge yourself on potato salad, cole slaw and hot dogs. If you are challenged to a hot dog eating contest, have on hand plenty of water to dunk the buns in. Disgusting, yes, but it gets them down faster.

7:00 PM Your father’s cousin Teddy confronts you in the kitchen about your lack of faith in the lord and how it will send you to a fiery hell for all eternity. Calmly remind him that if it isn’t your lack of faith that does it, surely it’s the slutty drunken blur that was your twenties. Not to mention the car you stole on spring break in the Bahamas.

8:00 PM Bart is in the bathroom again. Use the other one, or just go in the woods. He’s going to be awhile.

9:00 PM Someone will want to play charades. Just go along with it because a fight is going to break out soon anyway.

9:30 PM Loud arguing from the porch draws your attention. It’s up to you if you want to investigate because your father is getting in a fist fight with his Jesus-loving cousin Teddy, and your father rolling around in a headlock will be a memory hard to get rid of without the use of painful and costly electric shock therapy. If you do choose to watch, don’t get involved. Teddy’s daughter weighs in at an easy 250 and can crush you with just one of her massive arms should the row evolve into tag-team.

10:30 PM Now that you’re pretty drunk, it’s a good time to air your grievances with your siblings. Some topics for spewing might include:

• The PTSD you suffer as a result of your brother playing his favorite childhood game “Close Call” which involved hurtling toward you on his bike at top speed, only to veer off at the last minute.
• In tenth grade your tramp sister stole your boyfriend because she was willing to go all the way with him and you weren’t.
• Your sister in law’s need to constantly correct your grammar. That is not something with which it is easy to deal. Hah!
• Chastise brother for having a career in banking, proving that he a selfish, greedy, no-talent materialist. (*Note: do not open this can of worms if you will be needing a loan any time soon)
• Tell boorish brother-in-law that he scared off your last boyfriend by constantly farting in front of him.

11:00 PM Bed time. If you have to get up in the middle of the night, be careful as you are on the top bunk and it’s a long way down to the cold basement floor.