You Ate All the Halloween Candy After the Kids Went to Bed Linguini with Peanut Sauce

Dear Reader,

This one speaks for itself.  Oof.

 You Ate All the Halloween Candy After the Kids Went to Bed Linguini with Peanut Sauce

You will need:

Candy
Linguini
Peanut Butter
Apple cider vinegar
Garlic
Soy sauce
Crushed Red Pepper
Weight Watchers Membership
Broccoli florets
Cherry tomatoes
Scallions

First things first, you need to hide the evidence. Toss all wrappers and sweep up all crumbs before innocent children, still reeling from hauling in so much candy, realize you've eaten it all.  In future, remember the Mommy Tax on Halloween candy is 10%.  No more.  You've got to replace all of it, so head out to the store. Realize you'll have to buy one of every kind of bag, even disgusting circus peanuts, because your child has written a complete inventory of their loot and will know exactly what is missing.  This is going to leave you with a lot of leftover candy, so eat some in the car.

Start with the peanut butter cups, and nibble around the chocolate, saving the peanut butter centers.  Do this enough times until you have one half cup of peanut butter.  Put it in a bowl. Add two teaspoons of soy sauce, three minced cloves of garlic, three tablespoons of cider vinegar, don't use the rancid cider you bought when pumpkin picking now festering in the back of the fridge, it's not the same thing.  Sprinkle in some crushed red pepper.

Boil some salted water and put some linguini in to cook.  Log in to WeightWatchers.com and sign yourself up for a membership, because you've got a lot of candy in the house and you can not be trusted with it, lady.  Scoop half a cup of the pasta water out, and mix it with the peanut sauce.  When the pasta has about a minute left to cook, drop in your broccoli florets.  Drain the pasta and broccoli, mix it with the sauce and top with halved cherry tomatoes, scallions and candy corn.

No Friends on Halloween Evil Spirit Pumpkin Bombe

Dear Reader,

Halloween, like New Year's Eve, your birthday, and basically every other holiday, can be a real bummer.  Especially if nobody has invited you to a party because you don't have any friends. Loneliness is scarier by far than zombies, vampires, and girls who wear normal clothes but stupid cat ear headbands. This Evil Spirit Pumpkin Bombe can help ease the pain.

No Friends on Halloween Evil Spirit Pumpkin Bombe

You will need:

8 inch bowl
2 pints pumpkin ice cream
1 pint maple walnut ice cream
1 pound cake
Brandy
Oreos
Television

Check mailbox to see if any bars or restaurants are hosting singles nights within a 50 mile radius of your house.  They are not, of course, because Halloween is a night to get dressed up and drunk with your besties, of which you have none.  Place ice creams on the counter to soften.  Move large bird cage containing your prized cockatoo, Janice, to get to your crafting trunk.  Underneath the patterns for the adorable overalls you made out of gingham denim, and the wool you dyed and boiled yourself, find the costume you have been working on for seven months.  Lament that nobody will get to appreciate the fine needlework on your Mary Todd Lincoln Inaugural gown.  Spoon pumpkin ice cream into the bowl, spreading it out so that it forms an even layer the shape of the bowl, and place in the freezer.  Put on the Mary Todd Lincoln gown and stand in front of the mirror to have a conversation with yourself about the merits of Mary Todd Lincoln, how she supported her husband in spite of having brothers in the Confederate Army, how she suffered from raging headaches and debilitating depression, how she tried to leap out of a window to escape from an imaginary fire, how she always dressed like a little baby even when she was a grown woman!  Take off the costume when the pain of never being able to share how fun it is to talk about Mary Todd Lincoln with anybody becomes unbearable.

Slice a pound cake into half inch layers, and pour on the brandy, as if you were Mary Todd, oh never mind, just poor it on like it's gasoline and you're going to set the house on fire.  Squash the pound cake into the bowl so that it makes a layer just inside the pumpkin ice cream, like the layer under your skin where your scabies live.  Now scoop the maple walnut ice cream into the middle of the bowl, packing it in tight like you do your cankles into your Timberland work boots.  Place in the freezer.  Make a list of the reasons why people should want to be friends with you, starting with your collection of heirloom beans and seeds, and ending with how you have committed the entirety of James Fenimore Cooper's Leatherstocking Tales to memory, with puppets to match.  Remove bombe from freezer, dip bowl in hot water to loosen, and tip onto a plate.  Break Oreos into triangle shapes to fashion the bombe into a jack-o-lantern.  Realize he looks like he's laughing at you.  Eat him whole while making growling and groaning noises.  Watch television with Janice, like always.