This one speaks for itself. Oof.
You Ate All the Halloween Candy After the Kids Went to Bed Linguini with Peanut Sauce
You will need:
Apple cider vinegar
Crushed Red Pepper
Weight Watchers Membership
First things first, you need to hide the evidence. Toss all wrappers and sweep up all crumbs before innocent children, still reeling from hauling in so much candy, realize you've eaten it all. In future, remember the Mommy Tax on Halloween candy is 10%. No more. You've got to replace all of it, so head out to the store. Realize you'll have to buy one of every kind of bag, even disgusting circus peanuts, because your child has written a complete inventory of their loot and will know exactly what is missing. This is going to leave you with a lot of leftover candy, so eat some in the car.
Start with the peanut butter cups, and nibble around the chocolate, saving the peanut butter centers. Do this enough times until you have one half cup of peanut butter. Put it in a bowl. Add two teaspoons of soy sauce, three minced cloves of garlic, three tablespoons of cider vinegar, don't use the rancid cider you bought when pumpkin picking now festering in the back of the fridge, it's not the same thing. Sprinkle in some crushed red pepper.
Boil some salted water and put some linguini in to cook. Log in to WeightWatchers.com and sign yourself up for a membership, because you've got a lot of candy in the house and you can not be trusted with it, lady. Scoop half a cup of the pasta water out, and mix it with the peanut sauce. When the pasta has about a minute left to cook, drop in your broccoli florets. Drain the pasta and broccoli, mix it with the sauce and top with halved cherry tomatoes, scallions and candy corn.