Monday, October 24, 2011

No Friends on Halloween Evil Spirit Pumpkin Bombe

Dear Reader,

Halloween, like New Year's Eve, your birthday, and basically every other holiday, can be a real bummer.  Especially if nobody has invited you to a party because you don't have any friends. Loneliness is scarier by far than zombies, vampires, and girls who wear normal clothes but stupid cat ear headbands. This Evil Spirit Pumpkin Bombe can help ease the pain.



No Friends on Halloween Evil Spirit Pumpkin Bombe

You will need:

8 inch bowl
2 pints pumpkin ice cream
1 pint maple walnut ice cream
1 pound cake
Brandy
Oreos
Television

Check mailbox to see if any bars or restaurants are hosting singles nights within a 50 mile radius of your house.  They are not, of course, because Halloween is a night to get dressed up and drunk with your besties, of which you have none.  Place ice creams on the counter to soften.  Move large bird cage containing your prized cockatoo, Janice, to get to your crafting trunk.  Underneath the patterns for the adorable overalls you made out of gingham denim, and the wool you dyed and boiled yourself, find the costume you have been working on for seven months.  Lament that nobody will get to appreciate the fine needlework on your Mary Todd Lincoln Inaugural gown.  Spoon pumpkin ice cream into the bowl, spreading it out so that it forms an even layer the shape of the bowl, and place in the freezer.  Put on the Mary Todd Lincoln gown and stand in front of the mirror to have a conversation with yourself about the merits of Mary Todd Lincoln, how she supported her husband in spite of having brothers in the Confederate Army, how she suffered from raging headaches and debilitating depression, how she tried to leap out of a window to escape from an imaginary fire, how she always dressed like a little baby even when she was a grown woman!  Take off the costume when the pain of never being able to share how fun it is to talk about Mary Todd Lincoln with anybody becomes unbearable.

Slice a pound cake into half inch layers, and pour on the brandy, as if you were Mary Todd, oh never mind, just poor it on like it's gasoline and you're going to set the house on fire.  Squash the pound cake into the bowl so that it makes a layer just inside the pumpkin ice cream, like the layer under your skin where your scabies live.  Now scoop the maple walnut ice cream into the middle of the bowl, packing it in tight like you do your cankles into your Timberland work boots.  Place in the freezer.  Make a list of the reasons why people should want to be friends with you, starting with your collection of heirloom beans and seeds, and ending with how you have committed the entirety of James Fenimore Cooper's Leatherstocking Tales to memory, with puppets to match.  Remove bombe from freezer, dip bowl in hot water to loosen, and tip onto a plate.  Break Oreos into triangle shapes to fashion the bombe into a jack-o-lantern.  Realize he looks like he's laughing at you.  Eat him whole while making growling and groaning noises.  Watch television with Janice, like always.

8 comments:

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