Estranged Family Cranberry Sauce

Dear Reader,

In every family there exists one person that someone else isn't speaking to for one reason or another.  Perhaps that person stole their boyfriend, cut up their prom dress, or just never repaid that $5.47 they borrowed for a milk shake at the beach back in 1998.  Maybe you are the person who is harboring the grudge.  Maybe you stormed out of their house, never looked back, and can't remember why you were mad in the first place, but now so much time has passed that even though they are no longer really upset, you have manufactured in your mind an injustice done to you which justifies your anger, even though the longer you go on not speaking the more awkward it is for your entire family.  Whatever.  Everyone needs cranberry sauce.

Estranged Family Cranberry Sauce

You will need:

12 oz. cranberries
2 oranges
1 cinnamon stick
2/3 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup sugar
Apple Jack or other brandy

Remove zest from oranges using the handy zester that sits patiently in your drawer all year waiting for Thanksgiving.  If you don't have a zester, wish that you were speaking to your sister because she has one and would probably let you borrow it if only you were talking to her.  Squeeze oranges over a bowl to extract juice and release some of the tension that sits between your shoulders from carrying grudges.  Pour juice, zest and cranberries into a saucepan over medium heat.  Add one cinnamon stick to the pot - do not use the stick that's been up your ass.  That one should go in the garbage.  Add sugars, both brown and white, which can live side by side harmoniously in your cupboard in spite of their differences.  Add a swig of Apple Jack to the pot, and then have a swig yourself.  Stir until all cranberries have popped, and the sauce is glistening and gooey like families are supposed to be at the holidays.