Friday, June 24, 2011

Anxiety Pancakes

Dear Reader,

Just because it is officially summer, doesn't mean you won't suffer the occasional bout of anxiety. After all, summer offers a lot to feel anxious about, skin cancer, bikinis, ice cream melting all over your hands when you aren't near a suitable place to wash them.  These pancakes can help.

Anxiety Pancakes

You will need:
1 cup flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 large egg
1 cup buttermilk

Wake at 5 AM to the feeling of dread and terror sitting on your chest like that thing from Paranormal Activity. Close your eyes, willing yourself to go back to sleep, and then open them to stare at the ceiling. Imagine all the horrible things that can ruin your life. This can range from illness, car accidents, dentistry, someone breaking in and holding you prisoner, someone abducting you and locking you in a ROOM for seven years, or locking you in their basement dungeon. You know the drill. Tell yourself that if you haven't gone back to sleep by 6 AM, you will get up and go for a run. Wonder who is out on the street at 6 AM and if it is safe to run at that hour. Picture yourself being hit on the back of the head by a brick wielding maniac.

Fall asleep and dream that you are running on the street where you grew up, and it is very dark out. You can see the road far ahead of you, and it is totally deserted. Become aware that you don't have a cellphone, because in your dream it is 1987 and cellphones haven't been invented. Wonder if you will be able to see inside your house, which is just around that corner up there, and if your younger self will be home. Turn the corner and see that your childhood home has been replaced by an ice rink.  Why is it so warm in the ice rink?

Wake to stare at the ceiling until you eventually get up and put some flour into a bowl with baking soda and salt.  Take some apples and peel them, but make sure you check that the door is still locked from the night before. Also look in the closet and under the sofa. Chop the apples and put them in a pan with some butter and a lot of maple syrup. Crack an egg into the flour, just like your head would crack if that maniac got you with his brick, had you foolishly gone for a run instead of making pancakes. Pour in buttermilk and stir. Heat butter in a pan and spoon in circles of batter.  Cook them until they are brown and crispy then flip them over. Cook until done and serve with apples in syrup. Have a little vodka. Not a lot, just enough to calm your nerves and make you not care so much if all that stuff happens. I mean, we don't live in a rubber world, right? Sometimes you get whacked on the head. Sometimes you don't. So what? Right? Right?

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