Sex and Food Night at the In The Flesh Erotic Reading Series (bow chicka bow wow)

Dear Reader,

You may not know this about me, but I am absurdly prudish when it comes to discussing matters of the flesh.  I do not talk about sex often, and I especially don't want to hear about yours.  Mind you I'm not a total prude - I read the Anne Rice books with all the spanking, and once wrote an actual porn story to try and sell for money, which was a lot more fun than the three months I spent as a telemarketer selling skin care products over the phone, and significantly less demoralizing than waiting tables.  I just don't like to talk about the real stuff.  So it is with some irony that I have been asked to participate in the Sex and Food night for the In The Flesh Erotic Reading Series.  At first the prospect terrified me.  But now, with a little perspective and the whole "New Year New Me" thing, I am good to go, so to speak.  And truth be told, I have a lot of good stories in that genre.  I hope to see you on January 21st!

No, that's not me.

IN THE FLESH EROTIC READING SERIES

SEX AND FOOD NIGHT
January 21 at 8:00 PM (doors at 7)
AT HAPPY ENDING LOUNGE, 302 BROOME STREET, NYC
(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey or F/V to 2nd Avenue, http://www.happyendinglounge.com)
Between Forsyth & Eldridge. Look for the hot pink awning that says "XIE HE Health Club."
Admission: Free
Happy Ending Lounge: 212-334-9676
http://www.inthefleshreadingseries.com

Salade de Tomate

Dear Reader,

This week has been a doozy for me! I came down with the most dreadful cold and could do nothing but lie in my bed all day surrounded by Theraflu and Puffs Plus, with nobody to take care of me as my husband was out of town “on business.” What’s a girl to do in those circumstances but order up a good movie on demand? My choice was Twilight. And, oh what a can of worms did I open! I watched the movie straight through ten times in twenty-four hours switching to Day-Quil shots and diet Red Bull chasers to keep me from falling asleep before the movie expired. In the morning, I had no choice but to venture out and buy the whole ridiculous and addictive teen-aged romance saga, and also a copy of the DVD to keep for my very own. Needless to say, all this worked up quite an appetite, so I whipped up this Salade for lunch. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. And now I must get back to the books.

Yours most sincerely,

Heather

Salade de Tomate for Frustrated Grown Ups Obsessed with Fictional Teen-age Vampires

You will need:

Tomatoes
Youtube
The complete Twilight series (book two optional as concerns mostly werewolves, bo-ring)
DVD of Twilight

When husband/ wife or significant other and any children you may have collected leave house, begin by coating face with a thick layer of white pancake makeup. Stick head in freezer for ten minutes to make it nice and icy like Edward Cullen’s. Take in hand one firm, ripe, blood red tomato. Raise it to your icy face and give it a good sniff, inhaling its scent. Then gently caress the tomato with just your fingertips the way that Edward Cullen does to Bella for one thousand sexually frustrating pages. Resist urge to bite tomato and instead, do a search on YouTube for Edward Cullen + sexy. Watch three of the many photomontages set to the music of Josh Groban, Kanye West and Miley Cyrus.

By this time your face has probably warmed up, so stick it back in the freezer for a few minutes, then fire up the DVD player and pop in your copy of the newly released Twilight. Fast forward to the meadow scene. Watch this three or four times as desired, then move on to the scene in her bedroom when Edward tries to kiss her and says in his icy-breath-teen-idol-vampire-that-can-dazzle-you-with-his-smouldering-eyes voice, “Don’t move-“ for fear he may devour her whole. Watch this scene at least six times, but no more then twelve or else extreme sexual frustration will ensue. Now quickly skip ahead to the prom scene. Not the whole thing, just the part in the gazebo where you think that maybe Edward and Bella are finally going to get it on – if it’s not gonna be in the sack, couldn’t he at least bite her, for crying out loud. Watch this as many times as you like.

Refreeze face and, while prom scene is playing, follow through where teenage vampire spawned from the imagination of a Mormon author cannot. Hold tomato to your icy lips and, with your teeth, pierce the skin. Bury your face in the tomato (harder to do if all you have on hand is cherry tomatoes) as you suck all the juice from its flesh. Clean yourself up, and try to act your age. And in future, if you are going to read racy novels, make sure the characters are adults and that they like to get craaaaaaazy.