I would like to share with you a little story about my friend Sheila. This girl is not only gorgeous, but also works in a high-paying creative job where she gets a clothing allowance and travel vouchers, so you know she’s a big deal. For the past four years she has lived with her boyfriend who is in the music industry – I won’t tell you his name, because he is a lying scumbag and doesn’t need the publicity, but suffice it to say that if you are a living breathing person, you know who he is.
Anyhoo, on Saturday I received a call that he had left her. To be exact, Sheila had come home to find another woman sitting on the sofa, snuggled up to her man, wearing her favorite sable robe. Oh, was Shelia distraught! Of course she launched herself at the new girl, tearing off the robe. The girl had the nerve to grab Sheila by the hair – tearing out her very expensive and expertly highlighted extensions until they lay on the floor like so many worms. Shelia did the only thing possible in that situation- she grabbed the nearest thing she could find, which happened to be a nine inch steel pipe wrench left by the plumber, and swung it at the younger girl’s head. The poor thing was immediately arrested and charged with assault.
As for the other girl, let’s just hope that there is nothing like ten hours in the emergency room and fourteen staples to the head to make you feel like a real jerk.
Of course I told Sheila that she could stay with me for one night after she paid her bail. We sat in my kitchen and she told me the whole, very painful sounding story. What a day! She needed something to calm her down and boost her up at the same time, so I made for her my famous Chicken with Mushrooms for when the Bitch Deserved It. You can find the recipe below. I know you must be worried about how Sheila is doing, and I am happy to report that she was sentenced to a mere two months of anger management classes! Easy peasy! Enjoy the chicken!
Till next time,
With deepest sympathy,
PS Also check out the video of my fun afternoon making
Hamburger Casserole for When Nobody Loves You and Never Will
with my depressed friend Zak!
You will need:
2 chicken breasts
1 package crimini mushrooms
prim and proper suit or other attire
Heat olive oil in a sauté pan over medium high heat. Add the mushrooms and cook until all liquid has evaporated and mushrooms are brown. Dump in a few slugs of brandy – as many slugs as you would have liked to empty into that bitch’s head if you had a firearm handy. Cook the mushrooms until they are caramelized then turn onto a plate.
Add more oil to the pan and toss in the chicken breasts, jabbing them around like you jabbed your fingers into that bitch’s eye sockets, until they are cooked on one side, them flip them over the way she flipped you over the couch giving you a nasty bruise. Season with salt and pepper.
When the chicken is almost cooked, take a long pull off the brandy to calm yourself down and pour some into the pan. Then throw in the mushrooms. Phone attorney and pick out outfit to wear to court date, being mindful that as the defendant, you are the star of the show! And also that the jury is going to convict you based entirely on first impressions just to be done with jury duty faster.
When everything is nice and cooked, put it on a plate and squeeze on some lemon juice being careful not to get any in the large scratches she put into you with those nasty long fingernails.
This pairs well with a crisp red wine such as Pinot Noir or with more brandy, or a combination of both, as desired.