NRA Cookies

Dear Reader,

I apologize for my absence.  My time has been taken over by matters of politics and persuasion.  You can read about it here if you like.  One of my new activities has included spending time with members of the NRA.  Being a decent person, who likes to fix things in the kitchen, occasionally I make a little treat to bring along to these meetings.  It turns out that everyone, Radical Lefties and NRA members alike, LOVE cookies.  So today I am sharing with you my never fail NRA Cookies.  These aren't going to win you any friends among those who ideologically oppose you, but I have personally seen at least one pistol packing paranoid patriot double fisting these bad boys.  Enjoy.

NRA Cookies

You will need:

Ill-fitting jeans
2 cups flour
2 tsp salt
3/4 tsp baking soda
Carhartt Jacket
1 cup unsalted butter at room temperature
1 cup sugar
Concealed Carry Permit
2/3 cup brown sugar
2 tsp vanilla
2 eggs
12 ounces best dark or bittersweet chocolate

Preheat oven to 375.  Dump the flour, baking soda and salt into a bowl and stir it around.  Do not use your rifle or pistol for this task, as can result in clumps forming in barrel.  Beat butter until smooth, add vanilla.  For avid bakers, vanilla may be carried on your person at all times, for easy access and cookie defense, with no permit required.  Add eggs one by one, first breaking them against the side of the bowl or on the tip of a .223 - if you can find one!  Beat the eggs into the butter.  Mix the dry ingredients into the butter (have a personal aversion to calling this mixture the "wet" ingredients) then add in the chocolate.  Spoon the dough onto baking sheets in sizable chunks to make either skeet-sized cookies, or itty-bitty buckshot-sized guys.  Bake for about 10 minutes, depending on size and how chewy you like them.  Store cookies in a securely locked cookie-safe until needed to defend your home from the zombie hoard.

Ribollita for Rabble Rousers

Dear Reader,

I apologize for not having posted in so long.  I've gotten swept away by this movement for reasonable gun laws.  Here is a video I made using some local kids.  Please share it with everyone, everywhere.  And for your trouble I offer some Ribollita for Rabble Rousers.

Ribollita for Rabble Rousers

You will need:

Righteous Indignation
2 can Cannellini Beans
2 onions
3 carrots
Facebook account
3 celery stalks
3 cloves garlic
Thick skin
2 cups shredded cabbage
2 cups shredded escarole
2 cups shredded spinach
1 28 oz can plum tomatoes
Shamelessness
Fistful basil
6 cups stock
1 baguette, cubed

First, check Facebook to see what poorly spelled insults the right wing conspiracy loonies have posted on your wall.  Wonder why they don't teach grammar in bunker schools.  Place onions, carrots, celery, and garlic in food processor and chop.  Pour a healthy glug of olive oil into a large pot, and toss in vegetables.  Throw tomatoes in the processor and whiz those up, too.  When they have begun to soften, as people who underestimate you expect you to do also, add in the stock, greens, and tomatoes.  Email everyone you know to make sure they have found out who represents them in congress, that they have their phone number and email address.  Encourage- no require they call/write/email immediately or face wrath of no soup.  Add beans to pot and cook 20 minutes more.  Add bread and basil, cook ten minutes more, or just enough time to post the above video to your Facebook, Twitter, Tumbler, and then email to your entire contact list.  Eat soup.  Thank you.

Happy New Year

Dear Reader,

Happy New Year!  I've been absent for a while, busy with the holidays and unable to speak for the obscene amount of cookies being shoveled by the fistful into my mouth at all times.  I have for you, tonight, the night after New Year's Eve, the perfect cocktail to take the edge off the bummer of the end of holidays, to warm the cold toes of winter, to grow the heart of even the most devout Grinch.  And it's easy to make.  All you need is some ice, or snow.  That will do in a pinch.  And some vodka.  Pour it over the ice, wait fifteen seconds.  Be patient!  Pour in some tea, left over from breakfast perhaps.  Not hot, mind you, just some regular old tea that you brewed some time ago.  Squeeze a lemon over it.  Perhaps a sprig of mint.  Or just forgo the tea, the lemon, and the mint and drink the damn vodka.  It's a New Year, kid.  Enjoy it.

Here is something else I wrote, not food related, but definitely related to all the drinking and cookie binging.

Something Else.

xo
Heather

2012 Holiday Gift Guide

Dear Reader,

As the holidays approach we all become a bit busy, a bit overtaxed, generally a bit panicked about finding just the right gift for the people on our lists.  Many of us turn to online gift giving guides compiled by tastemakers to ensure your friends and loved ones get exactly what they want.  I've perused these lists myself and while overpriced used tablecloths and granny-style wallets that cost more than you've actually got in the wallet may be your thing, they're not mine.  But don't fear.  I will be happy with almost anything you get for me.  Almost.  Here is a list of things I do not want for Christmas this year, just in case you've got them in your cart and are threatening to push the trigger and click "Order Now."  I think I can speak not only for me, but for all of us when I say that these gifts will not be appreciated, rather promptly handed back to you with a shove toward the door and a "see you next year."

2012 Holiday Gift Guide

This is not an appropriate stocking stuffer.  Nor is it an appropriate food source.  What's it for?  

Hot Dogs?  Yuck.

This ruffled table runner from Pottery Barn can double as a petticoat.  You know, for all the Colonial Times reenactments you like to do in your free time.  Plus, it's got wings.

Hopefully this "Row Boat Salad Bowl" aka "Pi Patel's Fantasy Lifeboat" doesn't float, so when I throw it in the lake I won't have to see it anymore.

Now I know you are thinking, Heather you've gone too far.  Nobody in their right mind would give you a snake for Christmas!  That's absurd.  Well, as a matter of fact this is exactly what a friend gave me one year for my birthday.  Okay fine, it was a ribbon snake and not a boa constrictor as pictured, but really, what's the difference?

Alpaca Hot Water Bottle Cover?  No thanks.  I'd prefer the $96.00 this thing costs.

I don't work at a desk, and this "Tabletop Zen Rock Garden" would look pretty strange on my kitchen table.  The worst part about this gift is that I gave it to my father one year.

Oh sure, I'd love to hang this calendar on my wall for an entire year so that every day I could not only see what the date is, but also be reminded of how lonely and sad is my life, and how those hot royals would probably be mean, or worse, totally indifferent to me if I were to meet them, say at the grocery store, or while waiting for the school bus.

What DO I want for Christmas you ask?  I am desperate for some linen hand towels.  Plain, white linen hand towels with nothing printed on them, onto which I can print something of my own choosing.  Should be easy enough, right?  If you can find them, or even just send me a link to where I can buy them for myself, I will be your absolute best friend.

Get Ready

 Nuff said.  Cheers!

Gimme Shelter on the Rocks

Dear Reader,

You might have heard we had some weather in these parts.  I'm not going to try and say anything funny about Hurricane Sandy, because there's really nothing funny about it.  However, when you are talking about secondary effects of a storm, and primary effects of being the only one in your family with a generator, hilarity ensues.  Or hysteria in any case.  Here is something to calm the nerves left raw and frazzled by family members camping out in your home.  Enjoy.

Gimme Shelter on the Rocks

You will need:

Generator
Spare bed/ sleeping bags
Ice
Patience
Tequila


First, place all perishables into a chest full of ice, reserving ice to be used in this cocktail.  Then place any elderly relatives in areas near a bathroom if they are functioning, or near the door if they are not, to encourage them to go by themselves.  Leave a trowel by the door to prevent piles in the yard.  Crush the ice using a hammer or other blunt instrument.  Do not crush by bashing your head on the ice - even though it may provide some numbing now, it will hurt like a mofo in an hour.  Likewise do not use size D batteries to crush the ice as you will need these for portable radios, flashlights, or to sell to neighbors who do not have generators and didn't buy enough batteries.  Throw some mint in the bottom of a large glass, and smash it around with anything but the trowel.  Place crushed ice into the glass and top with six ounces of tequila and two ounces of lemonade, limeaid, orange juice, or whatever juice your have on hand.  If your mother-in-law is staying with you, chances are she brought some juice, so take some when she's not looking.  Swirl the whole drink around a bit and find a quiet place where you can be alone, such as a closet, cupboard, or inside the dryer.  Take a deep, cleansing breath and drink with a straw.  Repeat.




To Donate to the American Red Cross relief effort for those affected by Hurricane Sandy,
CLICK HERE.

Mind-Blowing Mac and Cheese

Dear Reader,

Here is how I spent a recent Saturday afternoon.  A brief warning, this was an activity done with the help of children, so excuse the shaky creative camera work.  Also a note:  My son, the resident food police, was horrified at the amount of fat involved in this macaroni and cheese, but what he didn't know is that the cheese, or some of the cheese I used was of the lower fat variety, and the milk was 2%.  I was trying to make a lighter version of a gooey, crunchy-topped mac and cheese, and I have to say, it was divine. I've listed the ingredients below.  Enjoy!

Mind-Blowing Mac and Cheese

You will need

1 baguette (most of one)
4 Tbs. butter
1 box elbows (noodles - not actual elbows, bleh)
1/2 cup flour
6 Tbs. butter
5 1/2 cups 2% milk
1 tsp. dry mustard
1/4 tsp. cayenne
salt and pepper
1 8 oz pkg. Cabot Extra Sharp 75% fat Cheddar
1 8 oz. pkg. Cabot Extra Sharp Cheddar
8 oz. Gruyere


For Pickle Deliciousness:

1 shallot
Handful parsley
Handful chives
Handful tarragon
Half of a jalapeño (I removed seeds for benefit of wimpy kids who didn't try it anyway)
Handful cornichons (otherwise known in my house as, "snack")
Splash Sherry vinegar