Mother of a Meatball for Marathon Moms

Dear Reader,

The leaves are just beginning to appear on the trees, I am woken early each morning by the cacophony of birds newly returned to town, and my blood is already 22% rosé, which can mean only one thing - it's time for everyone to start running marathons. You think I'm joking? 

Each spring, mommies emerge from their winter hibernation, shed their yoga pants, squeeze themselves into running tights and hit the road. I never understood this phenomenon, indeed I used to boast that I never ran unless being chased, but then I had kids. Running long distances requires dedication, perseverance, decent shoes, and a great deal of time - time ALONE. You see where I'm going? 

Making the commitment to train for even a half-marathon enables you to strap on your sneakers, pop in your headphones, and blast Cher for an hour or two - or three if you are really really slow - and nobody is going to complain! Personally I have run a full marathon, three half-marathons, and this Sunday I'm running another half. Judging from the pain in my glutes (I can call them that because, as I said, I'm a marathon runner) this might be my last. So I'm going to go out with a bang, and am serving up the perfect post-race repast.

Enjoy.

Mother of a Meatball for Marathon Moms

You will need:

Meatballs
Tomato sauce
Olive Oil
Garlic, thinly sliced
Fennel Seed
Oregano
Crushed Red Pepper
Sugar
Beer
Parmesan
Ciabatta Roll


First of all, get yourself some meatballs the day before your race. You can make them yourself, buy them ready made, who gives a shit, you're running a marathon. You're going to be really tired tomorrow, and you're not going to want to be cooking, so in addition to packing your race gear, you're making one hell of a sandwich, whose image and aroma you can think about on those long miles instead of thinking about how much your feet hurt from kicking so much ass. 

Prepare the meatballs. I like to get vegetarian meatballs and brown them in some olive oil. You are a big girl, you can decide what kind of balls you like. Into a sauce pan, pour a few glugs of olive oil. When it's heated, add the garlic. I like to add four cloves because I'm like that. Don't cook it for too long, and add a half teaspoon of fennel seed which you've used your massive muscles to grind in your mortar and pestle. Also add a teaspoon of oregano, a pinch of crushed red pepper, and a pinch of salt. Then pour in a can of tomato sauce. Let this all simmer for about thirty minutes, then add a pinch of sugar. Pour this on top of the meatballs. In the morning, slice up your ciabatta, drizzle on some olive oil, and put the meatballs and sauce in the slow cooker to warm. 

After the race, don't even stop to shower, unless you've soiled yourself, in which case by all means, shower, but leave on your medal so that everyone can see what a champion you are. Dump as many meatballs as you can fit into the ciabatta roll, top with a fistful of Parmesan, and enjoy with a cold beer, before registering for your next race. You deserve it.

Mind Blowing Eggs for Smarty Pants Teenagers

Dear Reader,

Last week as I was polishing off the last of the chocolate eggs, I was wondering aloud why the Easter holiday even features eggs. It's really kind of creepy when you think about a giant rabbit sneaking around and hiding eggs all over your house. I mean, if a person were doing that, they'd likely get shot. Well lucky me, I have a smarty pants in the family, in the person of one teenage son, who told me that eggs are featured in Easter celebrations because the holiday is derivative of pagan fertility rituals, and eggs are, duh, all about fertility. Then he went on to tell me about gender fluidity, and that our universe began as a singularity and is expanding in all directions at the same time, and therefore has no center. I tried really hard, but I can't get my mind around that, and did you guys even know about gender fluidity? I needed a drink.

All of a sudden it was time to make dinner, and I wasn't in the mood to go to the grocery store to buy food stuffs for cookery, because like I said, I had been drinking. I opened my cupboards and did a quick inventory, and found the perfect solution in the form of the almighty egg.  I present to you, the ultimate food for any meal. Seriously - breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, late night snack, second dinner, it's perfect

Enjoy.

Mind Blowing Eggs for Smarty Pants Teenagers

You will need:
Olive oil
Onion, chopped fine
Garlic, minced
Paprika
White wine
1 can crushed tomatoes
Eggs
Cheeses
Chives
Baguette

First up, preheat the oven to 425. Pour some olive oil into a sauce pan, and when it gets glossy, add in the onion. Saute for five minutes or so, then add the garlic. Give it a stir, then add a half teaspoon of paprika. If you like, you can also add a pinch of crushed red pepper. I skipped this because I was making this for my family, and if I make something that is at all spicy, I have to sit across the table from people who are gasping, clutching their throats, gulping down water, and sometimes trying to wipe off their tongues with a napkin. So I left it out. If you like it, toss it in. Next up, mommy's little helper, aka white wine. Pour in a glug and stir everything around. My buzz was starting to wear off, so I also poured a few glugs into a glass for my enjoyment. Then I added the tomatoes and some salt and pepper. I let it simmer for about twenty minutes, you can let it simmer for longer, but I was hungry.

I greased the inside of my ramekins with a little butter, then ladled in some of the tomato sauce. Then I cracked an egg into a small bowl and tipped it into the ramekin. NOTE: I did not simply crack the egg into the ramekin itself, as this might result in shells in the dish, and subsequent micro-inspection of food by fellow diners, nor did I hide the whole egg under the sauce, as that would be disgusting. Once the egg is inside, sprinkle on some salt and pepper.

I placed my ramekins on a baking sheet and also threw on some sliced baguette that I had brushed with olive oil. I kept a close eye on the whole affair once it went into the oven, so I could remove the baguette once nicely toasted. When the egg whites were almost set, I sprinkled grated cheeses over the ramekins. One of us wanted Cheddar, two wanted Parmesan, one wanted Gruyere. No problem for me, as I had all three. If you have to choose, I'd go for the Parmesan. Back into the oven until the whites were set, the cheese melted, and the yolks still runny. Snip, snip, snip, went the chives on top, and are you freaking kidding me?!? This was so delicious I made it again two nights later, and nobody even complained. In fact, they were delighted. Mind blown.

Super Tuesday Souper Supper

Apologies. It was my intention to post something on Monday to ease you gently into the week, but you know how sometimes on Sunday night you open a bottle of wine to share with someone, and then you accidentally drink the whole thing? And then you totally forget you drank the whole bottle, and you open another because your short-term memory has also forgotten that it's a school night?

Needless to say, I woke yesterday with a foggy head and a queasy stomach, so I thought I would just wait till today, but guess what? This morning my head was POUNDING and my stomach was in REVOLT, and no, the glass of Chateau de Flaugergues had nothing to do with it. That's right. It's SUPER TUESDAY.

Like most Americans - hell, like most of the citizens of the entire planet, I've had it with this presidential election. Here's the worst part - it hasn't even really started yet! Even the most die hard political junkies are lining up at the political methadone clinic to get off this roller coaster. And I mean roller coaster literally, because for all the insanity we've witnessed lo these many months, all the highs, and all the lows, we are exactly where we were when we started. At first it seemed fun, but now it's just genuinely depressing. 

So, for this particular Tuesday, I have something nourishing and comforting, which I will eat while browsing real estate listings in Australia, Canada, France, or any other country which limits the amount of time their local blowhards can barrage the people with their political campaigns. Maybe I'll get lucky and be deported back to where my grandparents came from. In that case future posts will be via the UK or Croatia. Either one is fine with me. Enjoy (after you've voted, FFS please vote).

Super Tuesday Souper Supper

You will need:

A book
Crimini mushrooms, 1 lb
Two red peppers
Five carrots
Six shallots
Fresh thyme
Four cloves garlic
Bay leaf
Olive oil
Parsley
Crushed tomatoes
White wine
Butter
Barley

Turn off the television, turn off the radio, put your phone in your sock drawer, and preheat the oven to 425. Don't give in to temptation to put your phone in the oven, undoubtedly you will want it tomorrow. Peel and chop carrots. Do not shove carrots in ears. That could hurt. Chop mushrooms and peppers, and place all on a rimmed baking sheet with unpeeled garlic and shallots. Drizzle olive oil all over until the veggies are as slimy as a politician from (take your pick). 

Toss with a couple of thyme sprigs, some parsley sprigs and a bay leaf or two. Roast until everything is as golden brown as the spray tan on Donald Trump, and your house smells like it's the first Thanksgiving. Think about that day, and wonder where we'd be if the settlers had just gone to live with the indigenous peoples. Decide to build a long hut, you know, when it's warmer out. 

Set half the vegetables aside, peeling set-aside garlic and shallots, and place the rest in a large pot. Over the stove, heat the baking pan with white wine, and scrape up the browned bits of veggies, dump this into the pot along with half a cup of crushed tomatoes and four cups of water. Bring to a boil and simmer for 45 minutes.

Meanwhile, pour another glass of wine and drink that quick, because if you wait till the kids are home from school they will hassle you about day drinking and they just don't understand about Super Tuesday.  Discard bay leaf and thyme, then add barley, and pass everything through a sieve, taking a moment to visualize your mind as a sieve, retaining only the pulpy fiber of what you hear in the media, and letting all the bullshit just pass through. Flush the bullshit away. Mentally, I mean.

Put a healthy dollop of butter into the pot and toss in half a cup of barley, stirring it around till it's coated in fat like I'm going to be when all this is over. Add stock, bring to a boil, and simmer until barley is tender, about one hour. Add vegetables you've set aside. Serve this with some crusty bread, a nice sharp cheese, and something bracing because it's going to be a long nine months. Read a good book to take your mind off things.

EXTRAORDINARY BURRITO FOR ASTONISHING PEOPLES

To be honest, I never thought I'd be back here. Or rather, I never thought I'd be gone for so long. But sometimes life pulls the rug out from under you like my little sister used to do to the family dog, and just like Duncan, you go sprawling. Sometimes you're flat on your face for so long that your cheeks bear the imprint of the hardwood floor, or shag carpeting, whatever the case may be. But life goes on, and at some point you realize you've been lying there for so long that your muscles have atrophied, and you've gotten fat, and you don't recognize yourself. Suddenly instead of creating recipes for you lot, people are asking you to go into politics or something, and that my friends, is when you drag your ass up, pull up your Spanx, kick off those Uggs, and put on some actual shoes. 

Two things have happened recently which have led me back here. Well, two and then a third. One involves a work proposal which has given me an actual reason to revisit Eat Your Feelings. The second is a letter I received from a member of a rebel group either in the planet Corelia or in the American Southeast. Take your pick. 

Dear Heather,

I have accomplished many things in my time in this universe. I have helped defeat the Galactic Emperor, completed the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs, I rescued a princess, destroyed a superweapon that would have obliterated us all, I've been frozen in carbonite, made friends with muppets, comanded the Pathfinders, I am in fact a General, and on top of that I attended medical school, am an actual doctor and a mother. The problem is that lately in my current place of employment, I am inundated by those who demand of me menial tasks, trivial nuisances beneath my station, my rank, my education and my intellect. It has rendered me physically too exhausted to complete my PX90, and that can not do. To make matters worse, when I travel to and from work I am bombarded with the most horrendous vitriol imaginable, delivered via car radio. I wonder, has this planet slipped into a black hole? The collective peoples of earth, and mainly the United States where I am now, have lost their fucking minds! When I arrive home as depleted as a mylar balloon clogging  a landfill five thousand years from now, am I met with warmth and comfort! Nay! Rather my home has been overrun by small peoples who need - no - demand of me absolutely everything. I don't get it. I can see myself in the mirror. I look fucking amazing (have you tried P90X?) I know I AM fucking amazing, so why doesn't everybody else know that, too?

Help me Heather. You're my only hope.

Yours,
Totally Fucked

You see what I'm talking about? How am I to ignore a plea like the one from TF? I mean, I totally get it. TF, for you I have the perfect tonic to your troubles. Enjoy.

EXTRAORDINARY BURRITO FOR ASTONISHING PEOPLES

You will need:

One hour
Whole wheat tortilla
Black beans
Garlic
Onion
Tomatoes, three
Sweet Potato, chopped
Pineapple, chopped
Rice
Vegetable broth
Green and red pepper
Tomato Paste
Oregano
Orange Juice
Cumin
Cilantro
Olive Oil
Avocados

First things first, this mofo has a lot of steps, but they're all easy, and really a monkey could make this with minimal supervision, so don't freak out. 

Step one, after work take the long way home. Go somewhere, anywhere, just for a little bit, even if you just drive once around the block, nothing is going to collapse, at least not to the point of disrepair. Once home, take deep cleansing breaths, making sure they're loud enough to both drown out the whining of small persons, and to scare them into thinking you might be about to keel over or explode. 

Once the coast is clear, go in for the pineapple. Throw it into a roasting pan along with the sweet potato. How much? However much you want. You're in control here, the last thing you need is some lady telling you how much freaking pineapple to eat. Toss both with a little olive oil and some brown sugar if you like, and roast at about 425 degrees until the edges are crispy. 

Meanwhile, put a couple of onions into the food processor, whiz them up and put them into a bowl, then chop the green and red peppers in the processor, then chop up tomatoes with a knife, that's a lot of chopping, but you've got those insane P90X arms, so should be no problem. Place some onion and tomato into a bowl with minced cilantro, squeeze lime juice over it, and add some salt.  Keep the lime handy in case someone comes to ask you for something, and then accidentally squirt it in the direction of the eyeballs. 

Place some onion and minced garlic into a saucepan with some olive oil. When the onions are soft, add some cumin, then add the black beans and some orange juice. Not too much. You're making black beans, not the world's most revolting smoothie. Season with salt and pepper and let this simmer.

Now on to the rice. Not actually "ON TO" the rice - don't sit on it for crying out loud. In another saucepan, heat some olive oil, then add some of that onion you chopped, and some garlic, and the green and red pepper. When it's all nice and soft add cumin, oregano, and tomato paste. Cook for 30 seconds, then add one cup of rice. Stir it all around then pour on 1 3/4 cup of broth. Bring to a boil and yadda yadda, cook the rice. 

Next mash some avocado, add the remaining onion and tomato, some lime and salt. Don't give in to the temptation to just eat this out of the bowl. It would be good, but will be so much better later. Wait and see!

Now comes the fun part. On your tortilla, place some rice, some black beans, some of that Pico de Gallo (the onion and tomato, dummy), some roasted sweet potato and pineapple, and finally some guacamole. Roll the damn thing up like you swaddled your babies before they could talk and drive you up the wall. Find a room, a closet, anywhere you can be alone because this is going to be so good you might start making out with it, and nobody wants to see someone making out with a burrito. Eat in it's entirety, filling yourself with this awesome creation, because you are what you eat. Awesome. 


The third thing that happened recently? I made this for my family, and my teenage son said, "This is so good you should put it on Eat your feelings at blogspot dot com." Voila.