Monday, February 22, 2016

EXTRAORDINARY BURRITO FOR ASTONISHING PEOPLES

To be honest, I never thought I'd be back here. Or rather, I never thought I'd be gone for so long. But sometimes life pulls the rug out from under you like my little sister used to do to the family dog, and just like Duncan, you go sprawling. Sometimes you're flat on your face for so long that your cheeks bear the imprint of the hardwood floor, or shag carpeting, whatever the case may be. But life goes on, and at some point you realize you've been lying there for so long that your muscles have atrophied, and you've gotten fat, and you don't recognize yourself. Suddenly instead of creating recipes for you lot, people are asking you to go into politics or something, and that my friends, is when you drag your ass up, pull up your Spanx, kick off those Uggs, and put on some actual shoes. 

Two things have happened recently which have led me back here. Well, two and then a third. One involves a work proposal which has given me an actual reason to revisit Eat Your Feelings. The second is a letter I received from a member of a rebel group either in the planet Corelia or in the American Southeast. Take your pick. 

Dear Heather,

I have accomplished many things in my time in this universe. I have helped defeat the Galactic Emperor, completed the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs, I rescued a princess, destroyed a superweapon that would have obliterated us all, I've been frozen in carbonite, made friends with muppets, comanded the Pathfinders, I am in fact a General, and on top of that I attended medical school, am an actual doctor and a mother. The problem is that lately in my current place of employment, I am inundated by those who demand of me menial tasks, trivial nuisances beneath my station, my rank, my education and my intellect. It has rendered me physically too exhausted to complete my PX90, and that can not do. To make matters worse, when I travel to and from work I am bombarded with the most horrendous vitriol imaginable, delivered via car radio. I wonder, has this planet slipped into a black hole? The collective peoples of earth, and mainly the United States where I am now, have lost their fucking minds! When I arrive home as depleted as a mylar balloon clogging  a landfill five thousand years from now, am I met with warmth and comfort! Nay! Rather my home has been overrun by small peoples who need - no - demand of me absolutely everything. I don't get it. I can see myself in the mirror. I look fucking amazing (have you tried P90X?) I know I AM fucking amazing, so why doesn't everybody else know that, too?

Help me Heather. You're my only hope.

Yours,
Totally Fucked

You see what I'm talking about? How am I to ignore a plea like the one from TF? I mean, I totally get it. TF, for you I have the perfect tonic to your troubles. Enjoy.





EXTRAORDINARY BURRITO FOR ASTONISHING PEOPLES

You will need:

One hour
Whole wheat tortilla
Black beans
Garlic
Onion
Tomatoes, three
Sweet Potato, chopped
Pineapple, chopped
Rice
Vegetable broth
Green and red pepper
Tomato Paste
Oregano
Orange Juice
Cumin
Cilantro
Olive Oil
Avocados

First things first, this mofo has a lot of steps, but they're all easy, and really a monkey could make this with minimal supervision, so don't freak out. 

Step one, after work take the long way home. Go somewhere, anywhere, just for a little bit, even if you just drive once around the block, nothing is going to collapse, at least not to the point of disrepair. Once home, take deep cleansing breaths, making sure they're loud enough to both drown out the whining of small persons, and to scare them into thinking you might be about to keel over or explode. 

Once the coast is clear, go in for the pineapple. Throw it into a roasting pan along with the sweet potato. How much? However much you want. You're in control here, the last thing you need is some lady telling you how much freaking pineapple to eat. Toss both with a little olive oil and some brown sugar if you like, and roast at about 425 degrees until the edges are crispy. 

Meanwhile, put a couple of onions into the food processor, whiz them up and put them into a bowl, then chop the green and red peppers in the processor, then chop up tomatoes with a knife, that's a lot of chopping, but you've got those insane P90X arms, so should be no problem. Place some onion and tomato into a bowl with minced cilantro, squeeze lime juice over it, and add some salt.  Keep the lime handy in case someone comes to ask you for something, and then accidentally squirt it in the direction of the eyeballs. 

Place some onion and minced garlic into a saucepan with some olive oil. When the onions are soft, add some cumin, then add the black beans and some orange juice. Not too much. You're making black beans, not the world's most revolting smoothie. Season with salt and pepper and let this simmer.

Now on to the rice. Not actually "ON TO" the rice - don't sit on it for crying out loud. In another saucepan, heat some olive oil, then add some of that onion you chopped, and some garlic, and the green and red pepper. When it's all nice and soft add cumin, oregano, and tomato paste. Cook for 30 seconds, then add one cup of rice. Stir it all around then pour on 1 3/4 cup of broth. Bring to a boil and yadda yadda, cook the rice. 

Next mash some avocado, add the remaining onion and tomato, some lime and salt. Don't give in to the temptation to just eat this out of the bowl. It would be good, but will be so much better later. Wait and see!

Now comes the fun part. On your tortilla, place some rice, some black beans, some of that Pico de Gallo (the onion and tomato, dummy), some roasted sweet potato and pineapple, and finally some guacamole. Roll the damn thing up like you swaddled your babies before they could talk and drive you up the wall. Find a room, a closet, anywhere you can be alone because this is going to be so good you might start making out with it, and nobody wants to see someone making out with a burrito. Eat in it's entirety, filling yourself with this awesome creation, because you are what you eat. Awesome. 


The third thing that happened recently? I made this for my family, and my teenage son said, "This is so good you should put it on Eat your feelings at blogspot dot com." Voila.

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