Monday, April 13, 2009

Crock Pot Meatloaf

Dear Reader,

I can’t tell you what an overwhelming response I have had to this blog. So many of you have written expressing your emotions in very powerful language! Some have raved about the delicious chicken with mushrooms. Some have confessed their most secret (and disgusting) fantasies. Others have more practical concerns:

Debbie from Twin Falls writes:

Dear Heather,

…This shit box where I live doesn’t even have a real kitchen. Just one lousy cupboard stuck on the stinkin’ wall near the front door, over where I keep my crock pot. How the hell am I supposed to make food and stuff if I can’t even fit all those goddamn pots and pans and things in my cupboard? What am I supposed to do? Just keep ‘em on the floor with my shoes and underwear?


Ah, Debbie, I feel your pain. A small kitchen is most certainly frustrating. But I have an idea for you! Duct tape is useful for more than sealing up your windows and doors in the event of a bio-terror attack! See the photo below for instructions on how to make the most of one tiny cupboard.


With a little duct tape, your cupboard will fit all you need for your culinary creations. Be sure to check out this week’s recipe inspired by Debbie. Enjoy!

With deepest sympathy,

Heather

My House Is A Shitbox Crock Pot Meatloaf



You will need:

1 pound ground beef
1 pound ground pork
3 small onions, diced
½ cup chopped parsley
Ketchup
1 cup breadcrumbs
1 egg
Bullhorn
Vacuum

Begin by using vacuum to pick up left over food and cigarettes strewn about the floor. Then in a large bowl, left over shoebox or bathroom sink, mix together beef, pork, onions and parsley. Crack in an egg, trying not to drip the whites onto the carpeting, but if you do, just rub it in with your shoe. Next mix in the breadcrumbs. Take note of the neighbors arguing again, clearly audible through the thin, crumbling walls. As their yelling gets louder, use bullhorn to tell them to keep it down.

Squeeze in some ketchup – or use packets stolen from employee cafeteria. Form the whole thing into a round shape and dump it into your crock pot. Cook on high for three hours as you listen to the neighbors taking a bath while listening to the Thompson Twins and practicing their routine.

Drain out the fat – either outside, or into the toilet. Nobody will notice a greasy ring in
that bowl. Ask crack heads hanging around outside if they would like some meatloaf - chances are they won't, but it's nice to ask, and will make them less likely to rob you in the future. Enjoy meatloaf with a nice Zinfandel or Colt 45.


7 comments:

  1. Meg Wrenn HollingsworthApril 14, 2009 at 12:38 AM

    I love this site!! Strong work. Can't wait to read more. And a book - wow - one autographed copy for me please! You know, I don't lend my name to just anything, so I thought long and hard before leaving this comment. I rarely lend my name to anything actually, since I learned that tip from Kelly Bensimon.
    You would be glad to know that I do not think those bug-eyed ladies in the NYC represent anything close to a real NYC housewife such as yourself. I think I have a problem b/c I cannot stop watching them. And I almost peed myself at the thought of the Real Housewives of NJ. Can. Not. Wait.
    Hope you are well!

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  2. Oh, honey. You had me at "bullhorn." I will be reading you; oh yes, I will!

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  4. wow hahaha thanks a lot for the moving tips haha anyway i guess that sometimes is very funny but a lot of times is tired to move on, thanks good luck

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  5. It is really a good idea! This is really good article very useful an informative. Keep up the nice work, I'll make sure to come across and find out really your page!

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