I'm in Business!

Dear Reader,

How adorable is Claire in her Dorothy Parker Onesie?!?!  Doesn't it make you want to buy one?  Look at me getting all crafty and selling shit on Etsy!  Is there a better baby gift available?  I doubt it.  ;) 

Click here to see my new shop on Etsy!

Iranian Insanity Kabab

Dear Reader,

The country of Iran has been in the news quite a bit this week. First they released those hikers, which was good news. I have always wondered about those kids, not that they were spies, but just sort of stupid, because there are so very many beautiful places for hiking, like

Yellowstone National Park

 

 Lucerne, Switzeraland

Bled, Slovenia

I just simply can not fathom why, when there are so many beautiful places in the world, you would choose to hike along the

Iran/ Iraq border.

Nevertheless, I am glad those crazy kids are coming home! Then there's this crazy kid:

I mean, he's nuts, right?  For most people, if they spoke in front of the U.N. - or any other audience, and that audience collectively stood and walked out, it would be a nightmare! But he loves it.

I will tell you something, Iran may be a dangerous place for a vacation, and their leader is a madman, but their food is delicious. I should know, having lived there as a child. My school notebooks were filled with doodles of chelo kebab, which looks an awful lot like poop. So today, not exactly in honor of Iran, but in spite of it, I offer you Chelo Kabab. Yum.

You will need:

1 lb. ground lamb

1/2 large onion

Small pinch saffron

Butter

Puree the onion in a food processor and push through a strainer. What you're trying to do is make onion juice. Onion juice should not be confused with orange juice and served as a breakfast drink, but might taste delicious if included gingerly in a martini. Grind up the saffron and dissolve it in the onion juice. Mix all this with the meat and cover with plastic wrap to marinate in the fridge for at least one hour. Pack lamb onto skewers in the shape of poop, and grill, brushing with butter as the kababs cook. Serve with grilled onions and tomatoes and Iranian rice, which you can learn to make by watching this guy's video, which is the simplest way I've ever seen of making it, that does not involve a delivery menu.

Overextended Carrots

Dear Reader,

Now that we're fully back into the swing of things with the cooler weather, the after school activities, the homework, and all the other nonsense and annoyances which seem to comprise my life these days, it's hard to be creative at dinner time.  Right?  Also I'm so frazzled that cooking up some elaborate side dish seems totally beyond the scope of my super powers.  But don't worry, because I have for you a recipe which can go on the side of just about anything.  It's delicious, it's inexpensive, you've probably got all the ingredients already, and even my kids loved it.  People of the internet, I would like for you to meet my Overextended Carrots. Enjoy.

Overextended Carrots

You will need:

Baby carrots (1/2 bag)
Vegetable broth
Orange Juice
Cumin
Salt and Pepper
Butter

Root around in the back of the fridge, or empty out the kids' lunch boxes to find forgotten and passed over baby carrots.  Stick these in steamer basket in a pan of water and cover. Take the time to find a lid for the pot - do not use whatever is closest, as many things, (newspaper, towels, homework folders, laptops) are flammable or would otherwise not be able to stand up to the heat of a stove. In a small sauce pan, heat 1/2 cup vegetable broth, 1/4 cup orange juice, 1 tsp. ground cumin, or more if you are madly in love with cumin, as I am, salt and pepper. Let this simmer away until it is as syrupy as my favorite video on the YouTubes.  Prepare the rest of the meal, whatever that might be.  Roast chicken, grilled Tilapia, Hot Pockets, it's really no concern of mine, I'm just here for the carrots.  When the sauce has reduced, float in 1/2 tsp butter. Remove carrots from pan and put them in a bowl. Drizzle on sauce, and eat while sitting at a table, preferably with a napkin on your lap. Enjoy while not thinking about the fifteen million things you did not get done today that you will try (and most likely fail) to get done tomorrow.

Stupid Stories for Children: Three Little Pigs

This is how my daughter entertains us at dinner. Enjoy.

*#@!#*& Snack Week: Friday

Friday

So what do you eat when you make about a million raspberry bars and half the kids don't touch them? They'd rather have left-over pretzel rods? I'll tell you:  raspberry bars and a super large vodka tonic. I guess this answers my question as to whether my bars are as good as my friend's.  Cheers.

*#@!#*& Snack Week: Thursday

Thursday

I have a friend who makes the most delicious raspberry bars known to mankind. Yesterday I begged her for the recipe, knowing that I was going to bake something for my daughter's class. But even knowing how very much in love with her raspberry bars I am, she would not fork over her recipe. Well. I. Never. Actually I completely understand, however I took this as a CHALLENGE. I would make my own raspberry bars, goddammit. And that is what I did.

I started with a shortbread crust. I can make shortbread. My grandmother was from Scotland, and just about the only thing she could make was shortbread, so that's a cinch. In my food processor, I dumped 2 1/2 cups of flour, 2/3 cup sugar and 1/2 tsp (sort of heaping, almost). I blitzed for a few seconds, then dropped in two sticks of unsalted butter cut into cubes. I pulsed this for about 40 pulses until it was grainy, and able to be pinched together. I scooped out 1 1/4 cups of this sugary grainy flour and put it in a separate bowl. Next, I lined a 13x9 inch baking pan with foil, greased it up, and pressed the shortbread into the pan, and let her cook at 375 for about 17 minutes until she was nice and golden brown on the edges. Shortbread, done.

Here you see the shortbread crust mid-way through being pressed into the pan.

Then I mixed 3/4 cup raspberry jam with a half pint of fresh raspberries, and sort of squashed the fresh berries into the jam because nobody wants great big globs of fruit in their delicate raspberry bars. To this berry mush I added some fresh lime juice, squeezed from half of an extremely juicy lime. If you are using a dryish lime, then go for the whole thing, or taste it to see how limey you like it.

 This picture is not a badly drawn parallelogram. You can't tell, but that is my stove on the right.

Now for the crumb topping. Normally I like almonds in a crumb topping. Or pistachios, if I'm feeling fancy. And if I am being totally over the top, 'who does she think she is?!' I mix marzipan in there. Oh, I know. It's totally crazy. But there's this nut issue. So I used pumpkin seeds. I blitzed half a cup in the processor, then added them to the flour with 1/2 cup of oats (the old fashioned kind) and 1/4 cup of brown sugar. My mother used to call brown sugar "Brown Hoo Ha," and one of my earliest memories is of her standing on the counter, gnawing on a hardened piece of said Hoo Ha that she kept in a high cupboard so that my brother and I couldn't reach it. Chic c'est la vie!

 Pumpkin seeds to save the day!!! Since I used pumpkin seeds a.k.a. pepitas, and lime, can these bars be heretofore known as Mexican Raspberry Bars? Maybe not.

I mixed this stuff up, and when the shortbread was ready, slathered on the raspberries, then topped with the crumb mix. Baked for about 24 minutes, then let it rest for an hour, or as long as it took me to pick the kids up from school and take them to their after school activities. I swear, if I added up all the time I have spent waiting outside various ballet classes, swimming lessons, gymnastics and Kumon, it would total about four years. Anyhow, when I got home, I cut them into squares, and as I made two batches, we got to eat some!

The verdict? These bars are delicious. Do they match up to my friend's raspberry bars? It doesn't really matter, does it? The important thing is that I am no longer dependent on someone else to provide me with raspberry bars, cause I can make them my own self. Not that I wouldn't be really really really thrilled if my friend would make me some of hers soon. Real soon.

Will the kids like them tomorrow? My daughter assured me that they would - if I also sent in some whipped cream.

*#@!#*& Snack Week: Wednesday

Wednesday

Today the kids ate the rest of the yucky pretzel rods, and the cookies - nobody had to bust out their epi pen, so that's a good thing. This afternoon I really planned to bake something, I swear I did. But I hurt my back and am trying very hard not to move too much, so that's not happening. Don't worry I didn't hurt my back so badly that I won't be able to lift the magnum of vodka out of the freezer and pour myself a large cocktail now that the kids are in bed. I bought the snack for tomorrow, and it is a healthy one to make up for the cookies that I'm sure the teacher was not exactly thrilled about (sorry Caitlin). Tomorrow is hummus, carrots, and I was thinking to buy pitas and chop them into cute little triangles, but I found these, which are super cute all on their own!

I'm sure the kids would like them more if they were stuffed with M&M's, but they're going to have to settle for chick peas.

Here is something else that's cute: