No Friends on Halloween Evil Spirit Pumpkin Bombe

Dear Reader,

Halloween, like New Year's Eve, your birthday, and basically every other holiday, can be a real bummer.  Especially if nobody has invited you to a party because you don't have any friends. Loneliness is scarier by far than zombies, vampires, and girls who wear normal clothes but stupid cat ear headbands. This Evil Spirit Pumpkin Bombe can help ease the pain.

No Friends on Halloween Evil Spirit Pumpkin Bombe

You will need:

8 inch bowl
2 pints pumpkin ice cream
1 pint maple walnut ice cream
1 pound cake
Brandy
Oreos
Television

Check mailbox to see if any bars or restaurants are hosting singles nights within a 50 mile radius of your house.  They are not, of course, because Halloween is a night to get dressed up and drunk with your besties, of which you have none.  Place ice creams on the counter to soften.  Move large bird cage containing your prized cockatoo, Janice, to get to your crafting trunk.  Underneath the patterns for the adorable overalls you made out of gingham denim, and the wool you dyed and boiled yourself, find the costume you have been working on for seven months.  Lament that nobody will get to appreciate the fine needlework on your Mary Todd Lincoln Inaugural gown.  Spoon pumpkin ice cream into the bowl, spreading it out so that it forms an even layer the shape of the bowl, and place in the freezer.  Put on the Mary Todd Lincoln gown and stand in front of the mirror to have a conversation with yourself about the merits of Mary Todd Lincoln, how she supported her husband in spite of having brothers in the Confederate Army, how she suffered from raging headaches and debilitating depression, how she tried to leap out of a window to escape from an imaginary fire, how she always dressed like a little baby even when she was a grown woman!  Take off the costume when the pain of never being able to share how fun it is to talk about Mary Todd Lincoln with anybody becomes unbearable.

Slice a pound cake into half inch layers, and pour on the brandy, as if you were Mary Todd, oh never mind, just poor it on like it's gasoline and you're going to set the house on fire.  Squash the pound cake into the bowl so that it makes a layer just inside the pumpkin ice cream, like the layer under your skin where your scabies live.  Now scoop the maple walnut ice cream into the middle of the bowl, packing it in tight like you do your cankles into your Timberland work boots.  Place in the freezer.  Make a list of the reasons why people should want to be friends with you, starting with your collection of heirloom beans and seeds, and ending with how you have committed the entirety of James Fenimore Cooper's Leatherstocking Tales to memory, with puppets to match.  Remove bombe from freezer, dip bowl in hot water to loosen, and tip onto a plate.  Break Oreos into triangle shapes to fashion the bombe into a jack-o-lantern.  Realize he looks like he's laughing at you.  Eat him whole while making growling and groaning noises.  Watch television with Janice, like always.

Something New and Exciting to do with Your Food

Dear Reader,

I'm always up for learning new tricks.  Here are two that will BLOW YOUR MIND.  Someone alert the MacArthur Foundation, cause these dudes are geniuses.

Here is something that I wrote.

You might want to wait till after lunch to read this piece on The Hairpin, written by me.

Adventures in Booty Holes: The Story of the Botched Colonic. 

99% Cavalcade of Cabbage

Dear Reader,

In these times of economic woe, it is good to take a cue from our grandparents and great grandparents - unless yours were very very wealthy, in which case you can suck it.  My great grandfather worked in a steel mill in Indiana. He lived, with his wife and four children, in a one bedroom apartment in what was called, "Company House," sort of like a dormitory for the steel workers. This was during the depression, and so my grandmother started working at age five to help support her family. She woke early to pick onions on a farm before school. When the farmer saw how industrious she was, he told her she could hire her sister to help out. Her sister, my great aunt Anne, was three. My grandmother let her sleep in the field and just hurried to pick more onions. There wasn't much food for them, but being Ukrainian, they had a deep appreciation for cabbage.  My grandmother could do as much with cabbage as Bubba could do with shrimp .  And one cabbage would sometimes feed them for several days. So I will here give you three uses for cabbage, besides the obvious stuffing your bra with the leaves to relieve engorged nipples.

Happy Happy Cole Slaw

This is a good one and can be varied. You can use any kind of cabbage you want for these. I love Savoy because it's so pretty, but I can't always find it. Basically shred your cabbage - not the whole thing unless you're feeding all the neighbors, use about one third. Add some sliced onion and diced pineapple. My grandmother used to use canned pineapple and it was fine. Toss it all together with simple white vinegar that you probably have left over from that time you wanted to dye Easter eggs, and some olive oil, salt and pepper. If you're feeling fancy you can add in some chopped jicama and some avocado. I love this cole slaw inside a taco or fajita, and in fact had exactly that last night for dinner. Yum.

Good Enough For Guests Cabbage

This will become one of your favorites, I promise. Unless it doesn't.  Shred another third of your cabbage.  In a large pan, melt some butter and toss in a handful of cumin seeds. You can also use caraway, but as you must know by now, I love cumin. When you can smell the cumin wafting from the pan, throw in the cabbage, salt and pepper, and saute until nice and soft. Squeeze on some lime and serve. This would go nicely with some sort of Germany sausage like Bratwurst, or plain ole hot dogs.

Post Modern Saurkraut 

My own grandma's recipe for saurkraut, not at all authentic, but really tasty.  Shred the last third of that cabbage and put it in a pot. Pour in a healthy squeeze of ketchup. Toss in some chopped apples, some onion, a small fistful of caraway seeds, and about two tablespoons of brown sugar and some salt.  Cover and cook over low heat until everything is soft and blended together. If it starts to stick to the pan, you can add water or if you have it, some cider.  This also goes well with hot dogs, but is perfect with kielbasa, which also comes in a not-too-bad vegetarian version, if that's your thing.

Erm...

Here's something funny I saw today, and in case you are wondering, I was absolutely looking for this recipe.  Linda T needs to find a better restaurant.

I'm in Business!

Dear Reader,

How adorable is Claire in her Dorothy Parker Onesie?!?!  Doesn't it make you want to buy one?  Look at me getting all crafty and selling shit on Etsy!  Is there a better baby gift available?  I doubt it.  ;) 

Click here to see my new shop on Etsy!