World Food Programme

Driving home from the beach, we listened to a program on the radio about the crisis in Somalia. The kids decided to have a lemonade stand to raise money for The World Food Programme, after they raised so much money for Doctors Without Boarders and Save the Children. I'm happy to report that they raised more money than ever - a whopping $273.63, thanks to the kindness and generosity of our neighbors and passersby. Coincidentally a gentleman who stopped by for some lemonade and a cookie actually works for The World Food Programme. He took a photo of the kids with their sign, and was kind enough to let me take a photo of him.  To donate to the WFP click HERE.

Unexpected Financial Windfall Watermelon Wahoo!

Dear Reader,

Sometimes you win the lottery.  Sometimes you are walking through an empty parking lot and find two hundred and forty dollars in twenties just lying on the ground. I once won one hundred dollars in a scratch off game. And sometimes you are at Staples, shopping for a new electric pencil sharpener, when out of the blue Mr. Moneybags Deeppockets calls from Twentieth Century Fox in Hollywoodland, USA, to tell you they want to option your book, Eat Your Feelings: Recipes for Self-Loathing, to make a T.V. show. Trust me, it happens. It did happen! Wahoo! This news deserves a drink, don't you think? And not my usual tall glass of vodka with a straw. For this, I'm whizzing up a delicious celebratory cocktail, and I hope you'll have one with me. Cheers!

Unexpected Financial Windfall Watermelon Wahoo!

You will need:
Frozen watermelon chunks
Limeaid
Mint
Vodka
Ice

Fill a blender with frozen watermelon.  Add equal parts vodka and Limeaid - or more of one or the other depending on taste, tolerance and alcoholism.  Toss in a sprig of mint, a few ice cubes and whiz. Pour into a glass, top with a an additional sprig of mint for added panache. Slurp. If you feel like dancing, go right ahead, nobody's watching.

Very Important Candy Update

Remember when Fun Dip was as complicated as candy got?  I don't know if you've noticed, but there's an awful lot of candy contraptions being manufactured these days, and thankfully my children keep me up to date on what is cool.  Right now my daughter is obsessed with Juicy Drop Pops, which are basically a lollipop, but they are contained inside a sleeve, or a sheath, and when you remove the lollipop, you notice a groove hollowed out on one side.  In the bottom of the sleeve is a container of sour juicy liquid, which you can see through two portholes in the side of the sleeve.  You are meant to drop this stuff, which is vile on its own, into the groove on the lollipop before each lick.  It's an awful lot of work for a piece of candy, and you may tire of the whole procedure before you finish the damn thing. Fortunately the liquid has a cap, so that you can top it up and stick the lollipop back into the sleeve if you are somewhere lollipops might be frowned upon, such as a fancy restaurant, the opera, or a funeral.  Just thought I would let you know.  By the way, they also make Blow Pop gum that comes with crushed up Blow Pops to be gradually added to the gum as it loses flavor. Genius.

What better to go with this super sweet confection than a super sweet video from these adorable boyz?
 **This post brought to you by ThingsMyKidsGoNutsOver.org

Consolation Pie

Dear Reader,

This weekend I had the good fortune to attend the Loudoun County Fair in beautiful Leesburg, VA.  I love a good fair, and the county variety is even better than the State Fair if you ask me.  See for yourself:

This was a big disappointment, obviously, but led to a lengthy discussion about whether they actually made cars out of outhouses or just picked them up and carried them, and whether they used modern Port-a-Potties or actual outhouses.  If anyone can enlighten, please do so!

I was all puckered up, but there were no pigs in sight, unless you count the man that was trying to sell me new gutters for my roof while staring at my breasts.

This boy bred and raised that dwarf goat on his farm all by himself, which is pretty awesome.  He's got seventeen of them, and this goat's name is William, so if you ever see him you can say hello.

Now you know.

The pig barn wasn't called "PORK BARN," and the chicken barn wasn't called, "NUGGET BARN."  Not fair.

Here my son is feeding a baby beef with a bottle.

Not sure what this is supposed to be, but I'm guessing there wasn't much competition.

Here is a slutty Barbie cake, I guess.

Yellow cake with Lego?  It is only fitting this cake got a yellow ribbon, because it is so extremely YELLOW.

 

These blueberries were massive.  In my opinion they were ROBBED. 

You should have seen the first place plate of dirt.  Amazing.

Prize winning photo of two old people in a car.  Clearly I know nothing about fine photography, because I wouldn't have even bothered to print this one.

Miss Loudoun County Fair was in the bathroom putting on some eyeliner.  She was mad at her boyfriend for missing her crowning, which is totally justified.  She was talking to her friend whose cake didn't win any ribbons.  The friend didn't realize that the judges were actually going to taste the cake, which inspired the following recipe, because whether it's a game show, bake off or the Miss America pageant, someone has to be number two.  For those occasions when you are not the lucky winner, I offer you this delicious Consolation Pie. Enjoy.

Consolation Pie

You will need:
3 1/2 cups flour
1 cup Confectioner's Sugar
1 cup + 2 Tbs. cold butter, cut into cubes
zest of one lemon
2 eggs
Splash of milk
Nectarines, lots of them
Blueberries
More flour
Brown Sugar
Cinnamon

First off, you are NOT a loser, do you hear me?  Unless of course you were dead last, in which case you are absolutely a loser.  In a food processor, whiz up the flour, powdered sugar, butter, lemon zest, eggs and milk until coarse crumbs have formed the way they form in your bed when you eat cookies late at night when nobody can see you. Form into a ball, or the shape of the trophy you will never win, cover with plastic wrap and stick it in the fridge for a bit.

Meanwhile, peel the nectarines and cut them into eighths or quarters if you're really lazy, while you contemplate the fact that if you weren't so lazy you might have actually won whatever it was you were trying to win.  Mix them in a bowl with blueberries and throw in some flour, brown sugar and cinnamon.  Get out a pie plate and smoosh half of the dough into the bottom of the pan, not bothering to make it look pretty, because nobody really expects perfection from you.  Dump the fruit in the pie dish.  Roll out the rest of the dough, or just sit on it to make it flat.  Whatever.  Who cares?  Put the dough on top of the fruit, brush it with an egg wash, sprinkle on some more sugar, and stick it in the oven at 300 degrees for about 45 minutes.  Either eat the pie, or stick your own face in it to save others the trouble.  Time yourself while eating, because it is never too late to enter pie eating contests.

Hey Tucson! Wassup?

I got a little love from a chap named Larry Cox in Tucson. Not THAT kind of love, you dirty bird... even though it is implied in his name... See for yourself!

CLICK HERE

Anxiety Pancakes

Dear Reader,

Just because it is officially summer, doesn't mean you won't suffer the occasional bout of anxiety. After all, summer offers a lot to feel anxious about, skin cancer, bikinis, ice cream melting all over your hands when you aren't near a suitable place to wash them.  These pancakes can help.

Anxiety Pancakes

You will need:
1 cup flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 large egg
1 cup buttermilk
butter
syrup
apples
vodka

Wake at 5 AM to the feeling of dread and terror sitting on your chest like that thing from Paranormal Activity. Close your eyes, willing yourself to go back to sleep, and then open them to stare at the ceiling. Imagine all the horrible things that can ruin your life. This can range from illness, car accidents, dentistry, someone breaking in and holding you prisoner, someone abducting you and locking you in a ROOM for seven years, or locking you in their basement dungeon. You know the drill. Tell yourself that if you haven't gone back to sleep by 6 AM, you will get up and go for a run. Wonder who is out on the street at 6 AM and if it is safe to run at that hour. Picture yourself being hit on the back of the head by a brick wielding maniac.

Fall asleep and dream that you are running on the street where you grew up, and it is very dark out. You can see the road far ahead of you, and it is totally deserted. Become aware that you don't have a cellphone, because in your dream it is 1987 and cellphones haven't been invented. Wonder if you will be able to see inside your house, which is just around that corner up there, and if your younger self will be home. Turn the corner and see that your childhood home has been replaced by an ice rink.  Why is it so warm in the ice rink?

Wake to stare at the ceiling until you eventually get up and put some flour into a bowl with baking soda and salt.  Take some apples and peel them, but make sure you check that the door is still locked from the night before. Also look in the closet and under the sofa. Chop the apples and put them in a pan with some butter and a lot of maple syrup. Crack an egg into the flour, just like your head would crack if that maniac got you with his brick, had you foolishly gone for a run instead of making pancakes. Pour in buttermilk and stir. Heat butter in a pan and spoon in circles of batter.  Cook them until they are brown and crispy then flip them over. Cook until done and serve with apples in syrup. Have a little vodka. Not a lot, just enough to calm your nerves and make you not care so much if all that stuff happens. I mean, we don't live in a rubber world, right? Sometimes you get whacked on the head. Sometimes you don't. So what? Right? Right?

Music for Motivation

Dear Reader,

I got a new phone a few weeks ago, and it has changed my life. First, I've taken to running outside rather than at the gym, and I was under the impression that my runs were not very far or very fast, but I downloaded this thing called "AllSport" on my phone, and it tracks my run using GPS. GPS is something that I find astonishing in the first place. When you think about it, something in space can pinpoint exactly where you are at any given moment. Insane! Well, it turns out that I've been running much farther and faster than I thought. Good news all around for me! I thought I would share with you some of my favorite music that I listen to when I run. It is also quite good to accompany housework, a morning commute, or other times when you might be listening to music. Enjoy.

My Pandora is on the Kate Nash station most of the time, and this might be my favorite song of hers. After watching this, I feel compelled to put on some eyeliner.

I also love The National.

I still have not given up hope that someday Simon LeBon will realize he made a big mistake marrying Yasmin and not me.

I borrowed this from my daughter. Totally addictive and again, feeling desperately eyeliner deficient. The leotard I can do without. Am I the only one who remembers pants?