Rainy Day Cookies

BIG EXCITING NEWS!!!

Dear Reader,

I have big, exciting news! Not only is my book Eat Your Feelings: Recipes for Self-Loathing in stores September 17^th but you are also invited to join me for two spectacular events in NYC.

On September 24th I will be dramatically and enthusiastically reading from my book at the BARNES & NOBLE near Lincoln Center. And join me on September 30^th at 7 PM for a SUPER FUN PARTY and COOK-OFF.

POWERHOUSE ARENA in Brooklyn is hosting this extraordinary event that will feature a conversation with the author (ME) and JOHN DELUCIE the marvelous chef from THE WAVERLY INN, a celebrity packed restaurant you’ve probably never been to. Also there will be a cook-off featuring three recipes from the book. So pick one, two or all of the recipes to enter and you may win FABULOUS PRIZES! And if you play your cards right you just might sweet talk your way to a table at the Waverly to boot.

If you don’t want to put your culinary skills on display, do not fear! It’s always fun to sit in judgment of others and you can help vote for the audience award. I look forward to seeing you all there and tasting your feelings! Oh, and there will be wine for drowning your sorrows if nobody likes your food.

Powerhouse Arena

37 Main Street in DUMBO

September 30^th 7-9 PM

www.powerhousearena.com

The recipes for the cook-off are:

Foreclosure Fiesta

You Will Need:

Spare change

6 avocadoes

1 lime

1 clove garlic, halved

1 small onion, chopped

small bunch cilantro, chopped

1 tomato, chopped

salt

Arrange 4 chairs, you know, the ones that have yet to be repossessed, in a semi-circle for the few friends who haven't abandoned you. Take jar of change to nearest Coinstar machine, use proceeds ($56.34) to buy ingredients and rent frozen margarita machine. (Note: In parts of the Western United States, limes and avocadoes grow on trees and may be procured by shimmying up trunk and self-picking.)

Use extra long extension cord to siphon electricity from neighbor for margarita machine. Soak onion in juice of one lime. Mash avocado into a bowl that has been rubbed with garlic. Add onions and all other ingredients and season with salt.

Should repo man arrive for chairs, invite him in and serve guacamole with chips. The more the merrier! When party is over, do not feel despondant; look on the bright side - no more annoying mortgage payments or nosy neighbors to worry about and there is no need to clean up. Simply pack leftovers in a cooler and go sit in the park.

Hamburger Casserole For When Nobody Loves You And Never Will

You will need:

½ lb. ground beef

2 cans condensed tomato soup

½ box egg noodles

DVD of motion picture 'Kramer vs. Kramer' or 'Terms of Endearment'

1 onion, chopped

American cheese slices, orange variety

Salt and pepper

Go to the video store and rent something sad. 'Terms of Endearment' is a good one. Or 'Kramer vs. Kramer.'

Once home, preheat the oven to 400° F. Brown beef in a pan. Add onions and sauté until beef is cooked and onions translucent. Boil noodles. (Duh.) After you drain noodles, change into your fanciest outfit since you are unlikely to ever get an opportunity to wear it in public.

In a large bowl, combine condensed soup, beef and onion mix, add noodles and season with salt and pepper. Pour into a baking dish and top with cheese singles. Bake until cheese is melted and bubbly. Eat. Cry. Eat more while watching 'Kramer vs. Kramer.' Cry some more. Eat the rest. Repeat for next 50-70 years depending on age and life expectancy.

Drunk and Disorderly Donut Pudding

You will need:

1 box donuts, any variety

2 cups milk

1/4 tsp. salt

3 egg yolks

1/3 cup sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

Once released from lockup, stop by donut store. Do not take donuts from the station house, as police tend to be territorial about their pastries. When home, preheat oven to 350° F.

Break donuts into large chunks. Warm milk together with salt in a small pot. Vow, with absolute sincerity, that you will never ever drink again. Place donut chunks in baking dish. Check fridge to see if you have any beer. You do. Natch. Have one.

Beat egg yolks, sugar and vanilla. (Don't bother with the electric mixer, a fork will do.) Drizzle into milk, then pour egg mixture over donuts. Put baking dish in a water bath (a larger dish filled part-way with water) and bake for 45 minutes.

While it's cooking, enjoy three or four more beers, as desired. Then, prank call officers who busted you last night, tell them you found Mike Oxlong's wallet. Hang up. Enjoy more beer, as available. Take donut pudding out of oven; eat directly from baking dish. Pass out.

When you wake up, go down to precinct and tell arresting officers in person what they can do with their warrants.

Repeat.

Survival Guide

Dear Reader,

Many of you will be forced in the coming months to endure one of the most difficult trials of a person’s life. Events so tragic and memories so horrific that will be burned forever onto your psyche and require years of therapy and prescription drugs to absorb. I am speaking of course of the dreaded Family Reunion. These procedures are fraught with tension and conflict; it helps to have low expectations and to know what you are getting into beforehand. Don’t make the mistake of thinking the reunion is going to be a vacation, a party, or indeed, any fun at all. Oh, no. It will be none of these, my friend. I have created a sample timeline of a day in the life of a family reunion to help you arm yourself for the event.

The Family Reunion: Day 1

7:30 AM Wake to niece and nephew dive bombing you and screaming something about a canoe.

8:00 AM Depart for worst canoe trip ever. Niece and nephew scream and fight over who gets to help paddle, causing the canoe to tip over and you to dive in and rescue drowning children under the scornful watch of older sister who didn’t trust you to take them canoeing in the first place.

9:00 AM Suddenly get urge to take up jogging just to get out of the house for a bit. Run four miles or until you throw up.

11:00 AM Dementia-addled Grandma doesn’t know your name. Tell her that you are the lesbian lover of your brother’s wife. When she asks who your brother is, tell her that he is Charles Lindbergh.

12:00 LUNCH! Finally. Make sure to provide only vegetarian food so that everyone will stay home next year.

1:45 PM Accidentally walk in on awkward tween cousin Bart holding a photo of Hannah Montana with his pants down in the bathroom. Mutter something – anything! And get out quick.

2:00 PM Uncle Fred leaves to go “find things in the garage from last year.” Do NOT, under any circumstances, go with him.

2:45 PM Catch Tara, your 13 year-old second cousin (or something) reading Breaking Dawn. Bond with her over Edward Cullen obsession. Try on her t-shirt with the Cullen Family Crest on it. Show her the photos of Robert Pattinson you have downloaded to your iPhone. Catch glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Next to her taut and dewy face, yours looks like an old leather bag.

3:30 PM Start drinking. Drinking at a family reunion can be a steady all day event that passes totally unnoticed if planned right. The older folks probably start earlier as they go to bed early, so have a cocktail when they do. Your parents will start with a drink around dinner, so switch to whatever they are drinking at that time. After dinner everyone has a drink, so you’re safe then. When the others go to bed, the teenagers will be shot gunning beers in the basement. As long as you promise to buy them more tomorrow, they won’t mind you joining in.

6:00 PM Dinner. Without making eye contact, be sure Bart has washed his hands. Gorge yourself on potato salad, cole slaw and hot dogs. If you are challenged to a hot dog eating contest, have on hand plenty of water to dunk the buns in. Disgusting, yes, but it gets them down faster.

7:00 PM Your father’s cousin Teddy confronts you in the kitchen about your lack of faith in the lord and how it will send you to a fiery hell for all eternity. Calmly remind him that if it isn’t your lack of faith that does it, surely it’s the slutty drunken blur that was your twenties. Not to mention the car you stole on spring break in the Bahamas.

8:00 PM Bart is in the bathroom again. Use the other one, or just go in the woods. He’s going to be awhile.

9:00 PM Someone will want to play charades. Just go along with it because a fight is going to break out soon anyway.

9:30 PM Loud arguing from the porch draws your attention. It’s up to you if you want to investigate because your father is getting in a fist fight with his Jesus-loving cousin Teddy, and your father rolling around in a headlock will be a memory hard to get rid of without the use of painful and costly electric shock therapy. If you do choose to watch, don’t get involved. Teddy’s daughter weighs in at an easy 250 and can crush you with just one of her massive arms should the row evolve into tag-team.

10:30 PM Now that you’re pretty drunk, it’s a good time to air your grievances with your siblings. Some topics for spewing might include:

• The PTSD you suffer as a result of your brother playing his favorite childhood game “Close Call” which involved hurtling toward you on his bike at top speed, only to veer off at the last minute.
• In tenth grade your tramp sister stole your boyfriend because she was willing to go all the way with him and you weren’t.
• Your sister in law’s need to constantly correct your grammar. That is not something with which it is easy to deal. Hah!
• Chastise brother for having a career in banking, proving that he a selfish, greedy, no-talent materialist. (*Note: do not open this can of worms if you will be needing a loan any time soon)
• Tell boorish brother-in-law that he scared off your last boyfriend by constantly farting in front of him.

11:00 PM Bed time. If you have to get up in the middle of the night, be careful as you are on the top bunk and it’s a long way down to the cold basement floor.

Pizza for the Worst Day of the Year

Dear Reader,

Oh the sadness that overwhelms me on this day! I am full of melancholy and malaise. It is as though a dark curtain has descended upon the nation and there is no sunshine in sight. I’m not talking about the death of Michael Jackson, nor poor overshadowed Farrah and Ed McWhatshisname. I’m talking about the actual worst day of the year. Yes, today is the last day of school.

Of course my children are overjoyed that summer vacation is beginning. I’m sure there exist parents that are also thrilled, but my guess is that their kids go to sleep away camp. Mine will be here. Every day. For seventy six days.

And so, I offer you today a super delicious pizza just for grown ups to enjoy on their last day of freedom. Enjoy.

Pizza for the Worst Day of the Year

You will need:

Wine
Pizza Dough
Taleggio cheese – a lot
2 cups sliced mushrooms
Butter
Brandy
White Truffle Oil
Grated Parmesan cheese – one handful
Activities

Drop kids off at school with huge bags to fill with stuff that you will throw away later when they are not looking. Once home, pour yourself a glass of wine to relax yourself for the endless bickering that will begin come 3:00 and end at 8 AM September 8th. Heat a skillet over medium high heat. About the temperature it is inside their classrooms right now. Toss in the mushrooms. When they are soft, pour in a swig or two of brandy. Don’t drink the brandy, as you still have to pick the kids up later and you don’t want to smell too strongly of booze! Not again! Cook mushrooms until all liquid is absorbed and set aside.

Turn the oven all the way up to as hot as it is going to be in August when your air conditioner breaks. Stretch pizza dough and place on an oiled cookie sheet or pizza pan. Brush the entire top of pizza with white truffle oil and top with globs of Taleggio. Sprinkle on the mushrooms and Parmesan cheese. Dab a little white truffle oil behind your ears because it just smells so damn good.

Cook on lowest oven rack until crust is crisp and cheese melted. Enjoy, listening to the beautiful sound of a quiet house, and coming up with eighty or so activities that will occupy your kids until tomorrow afternoon.

Went To Bed Angry Cheese Strata

Dear Reader,

I had such an amazing response from all of you! Bad marriages, slutty mothers and inappropriate groping at the workplace, it was hard to choose just one trouble to help with. But one letter in particular stood out to me because it highlights a problem that so many of us have had.

Dear Heather,

Please help me!!! My wife and I have been arguing a lot lately, usually late at night. Well, I know you’re not supposed to go to bed angry and all that, but I just get so damn sleepy! What can I do for the awkward and angry silence the next day?

Yours,
Kevin

Kevin, I’m with you! I think people that want to stay up and fight are just plain belligerent. No argument is worth precious sleeping hours, especially when you are in the wrong. Here I have provided you with just the right breakfast for those horrid mornings when you just want the whole thing to blow over.

Went To Bed Angry Cheese Strata

You will need:
6 eggs
1 lb. asparagus
1 ¼ cups milk
½ stick unsalted butter
Humility
¼ cup minced onion
4 slices good quality white bread, cubed
¾ cup crumbled Boursin cheese (any variety)

Wake before spouse and sneak down to kitchen. Very quietly snap off the ends of the asparagus the way your spouse is dreaming of snapping off the ends of your fingers at this very moment. Cut into bite-sized pieces and stick them in a microwavable bowl with a bit of water, cover and nuke for 2 minutes or the length of time you said, “Nananananananana” with your fingers in your ears last night while she was telling you her “feelings.” Drain.

Whisk together eggs, milk salt and pepper in a large bowl. Take out the skillet from behind the sofa where it was hurled the night before. Melt the butter over medium-high heat and throw in the onions. Don’t worry that they will make you cry as you used all your tears in the “You Don’t Love Me Anymore” monologue you performed. When the onions are soft, put in the bread and cook three minutes longer. Remove from heat.

Pour eggs in skillet, poking at bread like she poked you in the chest over and over as if you needed a physical reminder of where the blame lay. Scatter the asparagus into the eggs then top with cheese. Pop into oven until set – about 15 minutes. Be careful to use oven mitt when removing strata, as you will illogically blame any burn on your wife who is still sleeping. Cut her a large piece, and serve it to her with a big smile and even bigger apology.

Cookies for Beleaguered Parents

Dear Reader,

There comes a time in the life of every parent who loves to cook that they want to share that love with their children. However, cooking with your children is fraught with peril. Here I have devised a perfect recipe to prepare you for the task.

Cookies for Beleaguered Parents

You will need:

Patience
6 cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
3 tsp. salt
Water
1 ½ cup butter, softened
1 cup sugar
2 cups brown sugar
1 bottle vanilla extract
6 eggs (or more)
2 bags chocolate chips
Swiffers
Television

Preheat oven to 375° F. Ask Timmy to measure out 1 cup flour. When he dumps it on floor, show him how to use the measuring cup. When he dumps that on floor, show him again, using best patience. Repeat this process until you have 2 ¼ cups flour in a bowl. Add baking soda to the mix and ask Sally to measure 1 tsp. salt. When she mistakes salt for sugar and eats two spoonfuls, give her water to drink. A lot of water. Put 1 tsp. salt into the flour.

Notice out of the corner of your eye that Sally is now gagging and glistening for some reason. Deduce from the stick of butter in Timmy’s hand that he has greased his sister. Remove butter from his hands and put 1 cup into a separate bowl. Try to wash butter off Sally, wiping and smearing and causing much shouting and anger on her part. Give up and let her put the sugar into the bowl. Now DUCK! because she’s about to hurl a handful of sugar at her brother. Show her, again using indoor voice, that she can use the measuring cup to put ¾ cup into the butter.

Add 1 tsp. vanilla to the butter, then drink remainder of bottle. When you realize that kids have found spoons and are eating the brown sugar, grab a spoon for yourself, because brown sugar is good! Make sure to leave ¾ cup to put into butter.

It is very important that you make sure there are no little fingers in the bowl when you turn on the electric mixer! Don’t make that mistake again! Cream butter, vanilla and sugars until as fluffy as the butter/flour mixture in your hair. Ask each child to crack one egg into a bowl. Again, DUCK! Repeat as needed until you have two eggs ready to go. Put them in with the butter and keep mixing then add flour stuff.

Tear open bag of chocolate chips and eat. Don’t share with children, as that much chocolate will make them hyper. Open second bag, allot three chips per child and put the rest into the mix.

Drop onto cookie sheet and bake eight minutes. Enjoy with satisfaction that comes from self-righteous parenting. Make sure to turn off oven and turn on Noggin before falling asleep on couch.

Up next: reader mail! Tell me your troubles and I’ll tell you what to eat to fix ‘em!
Leave a message or send an email!

Noisy Neighbor Porn Again Panini

Dear Reader,

Everyone knows that New York is one of the most diverse cities in the world, and it is my home. In my building alone we have people representing seven countries. There is a doctor, two architects, a single mother, a creepy man downstairs who hangs out in the storage room, a couple of drunks and my next door neighbor is an adult film star. I’m sure many of you are familiar with his work, as he tells me he is the best in the business.

He’s all in all a good neighbor, except that sometimes he works from home and that can be a tad noisy. Last night he and his colleagues kept me up till 3 am. So today I am tired, cranky and in need of a good sandwich. I hope you enjoy my Noisy Neighbor Porn Again Panini as much as I did!

Noisy Neighbor Porn Again Panini

You will need:

1 small ciabatta bread
4 slices Emmenthaler
Sliced tomato
Butter
Diced cornichons
Dijon mustard
Tape recorder.


Split ciabatta in half. Spread Dijon mustard on the top half of the bread, and lather on the butter on the bottom, like the swarthy gentleman you saw in the elevator earlier is no doubt doing to your neighbor’s bottom. Layer cheese slices, tomato and diced cornichons on the bread being sure to tiptoe around kitchen so as not to arouse suspicion that you are trying to hear what is going on. Place a large skillet on the stove and turn up the heat, just as the heat is going up next door. Slide sandwich into pan just like the swarthy guy… You get the picture. (If not, this and many other pictures are for sale on the neighbor’s website.)

Press down on top side of the bread to toast bottom, then flip over and do the other side. Wink wink. When panini is done, bring it to where noise is loudest – in my house this is the top shelf of my closet, behind all my clothes that no longer fit, next to the fax machine that is never used. Eat while making quick recording of the screaming and moaning coming from Apt. 7C to be played back at full volume the next time you’re feeling lonely.