Moving Day Mozzarella Panini

Dear Reader,

I received an emergency message from my friend Wendy:

I just finished packing up my SUV to be shipped cross country-- ready to relax before a flight in the AM-- then I got a call from the shipper saying NO PERSONAL ITEMS IN THE VEHICLE.  I am now sitting amongst them in my dining room... WaahHHHHHHHHH! Heather, what do you suggest I eat for my being cranky, exhausted and mmmmaaaad!!?

Oh boy Wendy! I feel your pain.  Moving is fraught with pain, both physical and emotional.  Especially if you are moving an entire family, and doubly so if you are the sole person orchestrating this move. While I am not moving any time soon, the threat of a potential move at some point in my distant future prevents me from collecting too much crap in my house and in my life.  I am a fan of throwing stuff out.  Of course I am talking about things and not people.  People should only be thrown out if they really deserve it.  Wendy, for you I prescribe a Moving Day Mozzarella Panini.  Enjoy!

Moving Day Mozzarella Panini

You will need:

mozzarella
tomato
tapenade
arugula
balsamic vinegar
dumpster
40 oz. beer of your choice.
ciabatta bread

Begin by sorting personal items into piles according to how necessary they are to your life.  Birth certificates would be very necessary, whereas the year's worth of your subscription to The New Yorker would not.  Don't kid yourself, you're never going to read those old issues and you only ordered it so people would think you're smarter than you really are.

Slice mozzarella to fit nicely onto your bread.  Spread one side with tapenade the way you tried to spread some twenties on the movers to let you pack all that stuff in the car.  Place cheese over tapenade.  Thinly slice tomatoes and dry them off on a paper towel so as not to create a soggy sandwich, which, as you have packed away all your plates, would be a big pain.

Drizzle balsamic vinegar over tomatoes and top with arugula and other slice of bread.  Fire up the panini press your sister-in-law got you for Secret Santa and which has been idling on Craigslist since January.  When it is nice and hot, place sandwich inside and squeeze the way you squeezed your entire houseful of furniture into one truck for the cross-country move.  Cook until cheese is melted and bread is toasty.  Enjoy with icy cold beer, then toss everything in the dumpster and walk away.

Eat Your Feelings Party at Mom's house!

Dear Reader,

Last week I was in the good old town of Kansas City for some book events and was fortunate enough to spend a little time with Mom, on account of that's where she lives.  Mom thought it would be a fun idea to invite some of the neighborhood ladies over for an Eat Your Feelings Party and she was right!  We had a blast and I have the photos to prove it!  She served Valentine's Day Party Ryes for Divorcees, Hamburger Casserole For When Nobody Loves You And Never Will, and Manic Depressive Brownies. Yum!

The essentials of good snack food:  pork products and cheese, await assembly.

Aforementioned cheese and sausage will soon find a home atop these tasty party ryes for the:

 Divorcees!  Okay, so they're not all divorcees, but they liked them anyway.

Paula from Rainy Day Books in Kansas City was on hand to sell books.  Hi Paula!

And it wouldn't be Mom's house without a great big bottle of wine.

These ladies were having so much fun their photo was all blurry. Or maybe the photographer had dipped into the wine.

 

Here I am distracted by the-

Rowdy bunch in the corner.

And voila les Manic Depressive Brownies.  Bravo, Mom!

If you spotted your mother in these photos I know what you're getting for Christmas!

It's My Birthday Puff Pastry With Love and Affection and Brie

Dear Reader,

That's right!  Today is my birthday!  To celebrate, I am going to spend a little time with my very best friend, Puff Pastry.  Then, before the kids get home, I'm going to sit in a dark movie theater with all the other dirty old ladies and watch New Moon again.  I can if I want, cause like I said, it's my birthday!

Enjoy.

It's My Birthday Puff Pastry With Love and Affection and Brie

You will need:

Love

Affection

Puff Pastry

Brie

Egg

Fruits

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.  Hug the puff pastry tightly, whispering affectionate words until it is thaw.  Place the brie on the pastry and give it a kiss.  Then wrap the pastry around the brie like a little present.  Place on a baking sheet into the oven that is as warm as the love in your heart, on this day, my birthday!  Crack an egg into a bowl and paint the pastry all over.  Any leftover pastry can be cut into letters to spell out, "Happy Birthday Heather!  Enjoy the cheese!"  Pop into the oven for about 20 minutes and then bring to my house for me to enjoy.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Dear Reader,

For me the best part of Thanksgiving, aside from the stuffing, is that it is socially acceptable to drink early in the day.  No matter what sort of holiday you are planning for today, from my family to yours - Cheers.

Warm regards,

Heather

Don't Give A Damn Yams

Dear Reader,

I have received another letter, this time from a gentleman that is truly in need of my help.  Please read:

Dear Heather,

I want a divorce!  Don't hate me, but my wife is a total nag constantly flirting with my friends.  Problem is, I'm not a total jerk and I don't want to leave her right before the holidays, right?  But we're going to her sister's house for Thanksgiving and they asked me to make the sweet potatoes.  I really couldn't care less and don't even like the stupid things.  Can you help me figure out what to make?

Fed up in Flagstaff,

Ted

Ted, you sound like a good guy and I would be happy to help!  For you, a recipe with a negative degree of difficulty is in order.  Enjoy!

Don't Give A Damn Yams

You will need:

3 cans yams

1 bag mini-marshmallows

Bourbon

Splash orange juice

Open up the canned yams.  If you can't find them at your grocery store, check the dollar store, as they are not an in-demand item, yet perfect for your needs.  Dump contents into some sort of dish.  Mash them down with a fork and have a shot of bourbon.  Spit some of bourbon over yams in the dish.  Stir with your finger.  Pour a glass of orange juice and stick your hand in it.  Then flick orange juice all over yams.  Eat some marshmallows because they are soft and yummy.  Scatter some on top of yams.  If you are feeling crafty, spell out "You People Suck" in marshmallow, then stick in the oven at 350 degrees until marshmallows are gooey and brown and as done as your marriage.

Ultimate Family Fight Apple Sausage Stuffing

Dear Reader,

Get out your boxing gloves, put on your cloak of indignation and get ready to hurl some insults and air some grievances.  Thanksgiving is coming!  Here's a delicious stuffing to serve to your ungrateful and insensitive family.  Enjoy!

Ultimate Family Fight Apple Sausage Stuffing

You will need:

Pencil

Paper

2 Tbs. olive oil

1 lb. sausage

2 celery stalks, chopped

1 onion, diced

2 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored and chopped

1 shallot, diced

1 Tbs. chopped parsley

2 tsp. fresh sage, minced

1 bay leaf

1 lb. loaf French bread

1 cup milk

1 cup chicken broth

3 Tbs. butter, melted

3 eggs, beaten

1 cup cooked chestnuts

Escape plan

The day before Thanksgiving, make a list of guests who will be dining with you.  Included should be the usual unpleasant cast of characters, but their spouses and children as well.  Leave plenty of room between each name to write down the myriad ways they have belittled, embarrassed and taken advantage of you over the past year.

Heat oil in a large skillet and brown sausage.  Transfer sausage to another plate and consider asking for a transfer at work so that next year you can have a nice holiday spent either alone or with friends rather than family.  Note how sausage smells exactly like your cousin Jared, and plan to sit at other end of table from him this year.  Add celery, onions, apples, shallots and herbs to pan and cook until vegetables soften like the jowls on your manic depressive sister who totally denied putting a huge dent in the side of your car even though she was the only one driving it because your other sister was, once again, too drunk and needed a safe ride home, and neither of them have a job and so can't afford a car of their own.  Add sausage to vegetables.

Remembering the fistfight that broke out between your father and your brother at your high school graduation, tear bread into cubes with your bare hands and your anger.  Throw it in with the sausage like your mom threw out all of your old yearbooks and everything else that ever mattered to you in the whole world when she selfishly moved into that condo.  Crumble in the chestnuts, recalling that in the sixth grade your brother used to refer to your burgeoning breasts as "chestnuts" in front of the whole school bus.

Heat milk, butter and broth in a pot and pour over stuffing.  Crack eggs like you would the skulls of your idiot cousins who prank call you at work every day and mix it into the stuffing.  Season with salt and pepper.

Smear butter all over a large baking dish, the way your drunken sister apparently did with your Marc Jacobs pants she borrowed when she said she was going on a job interview but really was just going out with the guy who sells cell phones at the kiosk in the mall.  The guy that you saw first.

Throw everything in the pan and cook at 350 degrees for about 50 minutes or until golden brown.  Remove from oven and realize that the best part of Thanksgiving is the stuffing. The ultimate revenge would be to not bring it to dinner and eat it all yourself.  Turn off phone, lights and oven.  Enjoy stuffing with peace and quiet.

Drunken Grandma Cranberry Sauce

Dear Reader,

It's that time of year again!  If your family is anything like mine, the holidays mean many things- coming together, family and that Grandma is hitting the sauce pretty hard.  This year, hit her back - not literally  - a broken hip is expensive!  But with a little sauce of the cranberry variety.

Drunken Grandma Cranberry Sauce

You will need:

1 bag fresh cranberries

3/4 cup sugar

1/4 cup brown sugar

Vodka

Cointreau

Orange peel

Robert Goulet records

First, figure out where she has hidden the vodka.  Check the garage, the bathroom and her socks.  If you can't find it, try to remove Cosmo from Grandma's hand.  Be careful because the arthritis has made her fist into a pretty tight claw, and those fingers are brittle!  If it is not possible to remove tumbler, lure her over to the stove by asking to hear her stories about how much fun they had during the war.  When she is not expecting it, knock into her so the Cosmo in her glass tips into a measuring cup.

Grandma's yelling is going to frighten the children, so tell them Grandma just heard that some of them have been naughty, and she's going to get them if they don't sit quietly and wait for dinner.

In a sauce pot, heat cranberries with a half cup of water and the sugar.  Bring to a boil like Grandma's temper.  Play some Robert Goulet records and offer to dance with her to calm her down.  To get her out of your hair, spin her around really quickly so that she needs to go lie on the couch.  Lower the heat and simmer for 15 minutes while she "closes her eyes."

Pour sauce into a mixing bowl to cool.  Conspire with other family members while Grandma is sleeping.  A fun game is to switch names!  And calling Grandma "Jack" is sure to lead to hours of confusing fun after dinner!

When sauce is cool, stir in Grandma's Cosmo and garnish with orange peel.  To keep children from eating this sauce, stick a Brussels Sprout on top.  Enjoy with turkey, stuffing or a beer chaser.