Monday, February 22, 2010

Angelina Jolie, Sarah Jessica Parker, Alan Cumming and Stuff.

Dear Reader,

I apologize for having taken a leave of absence.  I wish I had been someplace fabulous or just too busy to tend to this blog, but truth be told, I have just been cranky.  Crankier than usual, with kids off from school and both of them having the stomach flu at different times, and my husband working on a play so he is gone every night and I have nobody to watch TV with.  Not real problems, per se, but enough to make me feel like not writing here.  So today, to celebrate all this crankiness I am going to tell you about something that pisses me off.

I hate it when actors play a role and then they become the character - or take on significant attributes of that character for the REST OF THEIR LIFE.  Here are some examples:

Sarah Jessica Parker

We all know that SJP is  a FASHIONISTA - how could we not know that when her face is here and here and here.  But she wasn't always that way.  She became this way as a result of playing Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City.  Before Carrie she dressed like this:

Escaped from the harem with no time to grab a shirt!

and this:
Even the guy behind her (Don Draper?) does not approve of this ensemble.

and who could forget this OUTFIT:
This looks like what Blossom might wear to a fancy dinner at a dude ranch, but is actually what the new creative director of Halston once wore for an evening out.

Alan Cumming

The role Mr. Cumming has gotten stuck in is that of the Emcee in Cabaret.  Take a look:

Here we see Mr. Cumming in his Tony award winning portrayal of the Emcee.

and here he is now, after hours:

Angelina Jolie

Ugh.  Does nobody remember the girl before she played activist globe-trotting mommy Mariane Pearl:

How does the horse taste Angelina?  Better than your brother?

And here she is now:
"I am so sorry for your pain.  I once played a woman who had similar pain.  Did you see that movie? Don't worry, nobody did."

Lots of other stuff makes me cranky, too.  Lots.  I just thought I would share this for today.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Here it is... ugly story for Valentine's Day and a contest WINNER!

The first Valentine's Day that I remember was in kindergarten.  I was living with my family (obviously) in Iran and I went to an international school that is probably not there anymore, called Piruzi School.  There was a boy in my class named Tyler.  Ty and I used to lay our mats next to each other during rest time.  There was a big chart on the wall with everyone's name on it.  If you were quiet during rest time, you would get a shiny star next to your name.  One girl, Peggy, had about a million stars.  Ty and I had none.  Valentine's Day was Peggy's birthday, so when our teacher, Miss Penny, handed out Valentine's crowns, hers had two hearts instead of one which was infuriating.

The playground of Piruzi School had a little playhouse and a sort of triangular jungle gym thing.  At recess that day, Ty and I and Peg and some other kid I don't remember all decided to get "married." The ceremony took place under the jungle gym.  Then we played family in the playhouse.  When recess was over it was time to go back to class where Miss Penny handed out the Valentine's cards to everyone.  My mother never got me the cards that had lollipops on them, and that stunk.  Some of the kids were sitting on chairs and some were sitting on the floor.  I had a chair.  I looked across the circle and my new husband Ty was motioning for me to come sit next to him on his chair.  To share.  He was sticking his lower lip out in a pouty kind of way.  It might be really cute to think about now, but at the time I was indignant.  Share his chair?  What was he, nuts?  I had my own chair.  All to myself!  Why would I give that up to have half of his chair?  I told him I wanted a divorce.

Not an auspicious start to my romantic life, to be sure, but the worst break up of my life came years later, after college.  I think I was really in love with my college boyfriend.  It is tough to say because when we broke up I had graduated, moved to New York City, was totally broke, depressed and terrified.  So I'm not sure if it was that I was actually in love with him, or just that he was (I thought) the only thing in my life that was not adrift.

People joke about being broken up with via text message or email, and I'm sure someone has been dumped on Twitter by now.  But what this guy did was worse.  He came to visit me in NYC and then went back to school (he had taken time off and had one more year) and then... he just didn't call.  He never even gave me his new phone number.  Nobody really had a cell phone then, or even email, which makes me feel really really old.  In any case, I didn't hear from him for a month.  When he did eventually call, he was evasive, and weak and in general, a total pussy.  He wasn't going to say anything about it, but when I pointed out to him that we hadn't spoken in a month, he got really flustered and then we broke up.  He made me drag it out of him.  Ugh.

My friend Ned - thank God for NED! - was working as a production assistant for SNL that day and had gotten me hired to drive around in a van with him running errands.  My job was to just sit there making sure we didn't get a ticket while he fetched stuff like Kevin Nealon's wig.   Every time he got out of the van I started to cry.  We blew all the petty cash on Twinkies and Marlboro Lights.  That's what friends are for.

I found out later that the boyfriend had cheated on me.  A lot.  I didn't say anything to him because he wasn't in my life anymore anyway.  But he called once when he was in NYC.  He had just graduated and found himself in the same awkward limbo I had been in the year before.  We had lunch.  After lunch he asked if I wanted to get a beer.  I declined.  I also declined to pay the check.  I think the reason it was such a bad break up was not necessarily that he was a wonderful guy - clearly he was not.  But it was because I was in such a precarious place emotionally anyway.

There were other breakups, of course.  Many tears were shed at the loss of a later boyfriend but mainly because his drinking problem had rubbed off on me and I was angry with myself that I had ever gone out with him in the first place.  And after one breakup I lost about fifteen pounds, so I can't say that was really horrible, because I had never looked better.  The loss of the college boyfriend just came at the wrong time.  Or maybe, in hindsight, it was exactly the right time.

And with that I congratulate Claire for her story she sent me.  I will not recount the gory details here, but suffice it to say that "Don" from Palo Alto is a total douche bag and should give Claire back her iPod and also you owe her $3500.  Jerk.  Claire, your copy of Eat Your Feelings is in the mail.  You deserve it.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

In the Flesh and on the You Tube!

Dear Reader,

As you may recall last week I took part in the Sex and Food night for the In the Flesh reading series.  And now the results are up on the youtubes!  A word of warning - if you are easily offended, or if you are my mom or my dad or my older brother Jason, you may want to skip this.

Monday, February 1, 2010


Dear Reader,

This Valentine's season (yes, it is an entire season) I am feeling generous.  And so I offer you a chance to win a copy of my book Eat Your Feelings: Recipes for Self-Loathing, for your very own.  I will even sign it for you or your Valentine with whatever you would like inscribed, in whatever medium you desire, short of my own blood.

Here's what you have to do:

Follow me on this blog:  just click on the little button to the right that says "Follow." Duh.

Follow me on TWITTER.

and here is the fun part:

Send me the story of your or your "friend's" worst breakup EVER.  I'll tell you mine, too.  You can send it to

Whoever has the best worst story will win a copy of my book (valued at $25.95) of their very own!  What could be better than that?  Nothing, that's what!